“Try not. Do or Do Not. There is No Try” Yoda

Dean Potter on a slackline in Yosemite. Trying, or doing? (photo from Prana blog)

I was just climbing in Yosemite. The towering granite always manages to make me–and my problems–feel oh so small. I love it! This story is not new to any climber, but I just have to share about why I am tingling from my days in the mountains. I was lie-backing a crack on a new route my friend Bob Steed had just put up (How lucky was I?! A second ascent in Yosemite! And Go Bob!). It was a very physical climb, and my muscles were getting totally pumped out–I felt I had nothing left. The lactic acid building up burned, and I felt I had little control over my arms and hands. “Watch me, Bob! I think I’m going to pump out!” (aka FALL!). I then realized that I had a choice–either pop off thinking I had nothing left, or keep going until my body decided on its own that it had nothing left. The first would be giving up based on an assumption. The latter would be having given it my best. The consequence of both would be a fall. A consequence of the first would be that I would have not known if I indeed had nothing left. A consequence of the latter would be that I would have learned my true limits.

This is one of the reasons I love to climb. You get put into these situations that are so real, and your choices are so clear. In a split second you decide. And I decided to keep going and to let my body tell me what it knew.

I was shocked as I progressed further and further up the crack, actually amazed that I hadn’t fallen yet. “Nice!” Bob said as I then moved beyond the roof and onto the next vertical portion of the crack.” Shocked again that I was still moving up, I just put one hand in front of the other, panting like I hadn’t in a LONG time, trying to place my feet deliberately despite my fatigue and sweat. I was in awe as high-speed swifts would dive into the narrow crack above me and then shoot out at amazing speeds with a loud swish…I’d have to contemplate that one later…How DO they do that into and out of such a small crack? Next thing I knew I saw the anchors, and I was standing at the belay! Once again, shocked. And so freakin’ happy!!!! The view was spectacular, with the skyline of The Rostrum shooting up in the distance, the clearest blue sky, relaxing safely above the mosquitoes, the pumping Merced River at high flow below–the deep green of its flatwater blending in with the trees, the white foam of its rapids standing out in a deep contrasting line. I took long, deep breaths and inhaled the familiar Yosemite air.

I was so glad I didn’t just give up and let go. I was so glad I didn’t just assume I had nothing left. How often we convince ourselves we can’t take any more in all aspects of our lives. We are CONVINCED of it–we think we KNOW we are DONE. Yet climbing has taught me time and time again the tricks that the mind can play to keep us seemingly “safe.” But in reality, these mind trips of our self-imposed limits keep us small in the most stifling way.

This, of course, means I need to climb something harder next. To know my limits and to know–really know–what I’m made of. Ironically, I will only know that when I fall. So, in the end, I guess if I want to grow, I set out to fall (even though I’d never admit that at the base of the climb!). Then I set out to learn more and more so I can push past that limit, and the next, and the next. After all, that limit is only temporary. It tells me where I need to focus my energies to grow, and improve. Each time we do that for ourselves–when we stop thinking we’ll “”just try” and instead we DO and go for it–we offer ourselves the opportunity for growth. Sometimes we fall and sometimes we don’t–but when it is a surprise, that is very tingly nonetheless!

So, this weekend, take a leap of sorts, and go for it. Don’t just “try.” Go for it! You can even be afraid of falling–just don’t let go assuming you’ll fall. Wondering “what if” is way less fun. Surprise yourself! And watch out for that sneaky little mind of yours that tries to convince you that you are anything less than the great being you ARE.

Knock Kock-It’s Time to Wake Up!

Living Wild Awake in Kauai

As you may or may not know, I have a history of cancer (twice! and all clear for several years now), and I probably think about living fully, death, dying and such more than the average person. I got a pretty clear message the other day, and thought I had to share. I get annual MRIs to make sure all is good, and so far it has always been “All is good! Thank you, and see you next year!” THIS time, however, I got the call at 4:55pm on a Friday and a message was left on my machine: “Hi, Ana! Dr. not-being-aware-of-how-people-can-work-themselves-up-with-anxiety-over-a-few-words here. I am leaving the office now and won’t be back in until Tuesday, so try to call me then and we’ll get you those results.”

Now I have to wait 4 days????? Why didn’t he just say all was good? So, of course I can tell myself it is nothing…if it was urgent I would have gotten a call earlier. I listened to the message multiple times to catch subtleties in his tone. I had my close friends and partner listen to it as well. All said he sounded, in effect, jolly, and how could a doctor possibly sound jolly if something indeed was very, very wrong?

Well, if anyone can make up a story around that, a former cancer patient can! I thought “really? am i really going to have to do this AGAIN?” I blamed myself,

Oh, wait! This is more like it!

even making up a story like perhaps it was because I wasn’t living fully that I was being punished (being raised Catholic can be SUCH a pain around mindset sometimes!). I pictured all the things I wanted to do that might be put off if I had to deal with this, how sad I would be for a little while, then how warrior-like I’d be taking it all on, wondering which of my friends would show up for me, who would this filter out, would I be able to drop a day of work, what would I have done if I was self-employed and didn’t have health insurance, what might this cost to explore and possibly have to fix. That’s a lot of worry and drama. Such is the case when we aren’t in the present (notice how all that stuff wasn’t actually happening!). Wow, I was really going for it, working myself up like that! Or so I thought.

I then went off to a coaching course in San Francisco, and after the first day I somehow ended up putting myself into the loving hands of one of our powerful instructors that weekend, Sabina. To make a long, dramatic, and powerful story short (I know…those are supposed to be the long ones…) THIS was really going for it. She ended up helping me to allow my full range of feelings to manifest and I admitted I was afraid of dying (DUH! But say it: It is weird to say), that I wasn’t ready, that there were times in my life where I actually felt that it would be OK if I died at that moment and THIS wasn’t one of them. I realized that what I feared was not so much death itself, but the fact that I haven’t been living fully. There were things I was putting off, fears that I

allowed to hold me back…only hold me back 10-15%, but still, holding me back! This call wasn’t me getting punished, this was a WAKE UP call because I had let my lessons from my previous experiences drift away from my focus lately. And I was not going to let that happen anymore. I actually hadn’t realized that I had drifted off from my mission of living full-on because relative to many, it appears I am living full-on and I can convince myself of that too when I compare myself to others. But, only I know when that is true, and it wasn’t really true right now! I made the mindset shift, and my coach held me be accountable to live full-on DAILY for the next 21 days. Here I am doing it, and it feels fantastic. I am myself again!

I am writing this so that you don’t have to get the big slap in the face of the big C before you force yourself to look at your life and who you are being. Allow me to have done that for you, and heed the call. So, what have you been putting off doing, or saying? Do it! What grudge have you been holding? Let it GO! Most importantly, who have you been putting off BEING?  Be it now!

Knock knock. Who’s there? I am the tick tock of death’s clock here to tell you to WAKE UP NOW!

Damn, that’s heavy. Damn straight it IS!

“Car”ma, Community, and Connections

I’d been driving over the Siskiyou Pass towards San Francisco in my trusty 2008 Subaru Outback when I decided to christen her with the name “Rocinante.”  I hadn’t been inspired by a name until that drive. However, on this day, as I saw the volcanic valleys stretched before me and Mount Shasta boldly standing her ground, I was reminded of Don Quixote’s  companion horse (albeit a skinny one) named Rocinante, which happens to also be the namesake of Steinbeck’s camper truck in which he journeyed the country in Travels With Charley. I thought it fitting for the amazing adventures I’ve had–and was looking forward to having–with my earth-brown auto with “MIDWYF” plates.  Her trunk was perpetually filled with camping gear and toys for journeys into the mountains or to the ocean.

I don’t know if she took offense to the name, but Rocinante broke down suddenly and fiercely only a few days later on my way back to Oregon in Willows, CA, about an hour south of Chico. It was a dark and lonely night (really–it was!), and the gas station at which she blew two head gaskets was desolated and dimly lit with buzzing fluorescent lights. Many days later, we would discover she developed the auto-equivalent of a pulmonary embolism.  Her radiator suddenly and unexpectedly formed a plug that blocked all flow to the engine. Poor Rocinante…she sat steaming and gurgling at the Willows station until all that built up pressure and heat finally dissipated. When it did, the station seemed to slowly  fill with curious and chivalrous townsmen who hmmm’d and haaaa’d at her engine. The general consensus was that she was toast.

I managed to have her towed to the nearest Subaru dealer in Chico after a night at the Willows Holiday Inn Express. While the mechanics in Willows were kind and generous, they looked at her engine like it was made of laser beams and I had to bring her to the nearest qualified shop. I missed a day in clinic as I spent that Monday being told of the thousands of dollars I would have to pay if this ended up not being covered by Subaru or my insurance.

Later that day I rented a car, as loaner cars from the dealer could only go 100 miles from the shop (and Ashland was further than that!), the regional Subaru rep wasn’t going to cover a rental until they  decided what happened and who would pay for what, and my USAA auto insurance only covered car rental for incidents related to car accidents. My insurance rep did ask if a rodent had chewed through a hose or something. In that case, he said, it would be a covered condition (in addition to accidents). Hmmm. Sorry, no rodent. Just two blown head gaskets. I couldn’t wait for anyone to decide anything as I needed to get back to work,  so my trusty rental Ford Focus and I were introduced. I was afraid to name her lest she have the same reaction as Rocinante. We headed off, anonymously, into the night.

After ten days without Rocinante, I had to drive back down to Chico to drop off my rental car, as apparently the Enterprise rental company in Chico was too small to allow out-of-state drop-offs, and I was now granted a loaner car in Oregon (rental car still not covered…long story…). Rocinante was still in quarantine until the regional Subaru rep was able to examine her, and they hadn’t even started the repair, so I needed someone to come who would drive me back as well. Up for a ride, anyone? Anyone???????

In case you’re wondering, I recently found out Subaru is covering the whole repair as Rocinante was well-fed and cared for by Subaru here in Oregon, and the development of her condition remains a mystery. The things Subaru didn’t cover were finding people to drive back and forth with me to Chico to drop off rental cars and the like, finding people to lend me a car after driving back from Chico since I was on call that night and couldn’t pick up a loaner car until the next morning–but I still needed an emergency vehicle, and taking care of my sleep-deprivation from late nights far from home or while on call here delivering babies as the saga unfolded.

This is where I was reminded once again how misfortune can often open my eyes to the blessings in my life. Friends–people I’d known for years as well as those I’d only spent a few occasions with–rose to the terribly inconvenient situation and stepped up for me. Members of my community went out of their way to lend me their car, cook me a delicious home-made dinner after I arrived late from an 8-hour journey to Chico and back, and even drive with me (half the time by themselves!) on that 8 hour journey…and we weren’t even heading to Yosemite (which usually makes an 8-hour drive worth it). They woke up early to drop me off at the shop,  listened to me, supported me, rallied for me, laughed with me at the ridiculousness of all of it, and strategized the future of Rocinante. My partner, over 700 miles away, regularly kept track of my fiascoes and assured me all would be well. They helped me feel cared for.

To feel like a part of a community is a blessing, and one that has been relatively challenging to cultivate in my life as a part-time vagabond. I seem to be in and out of town with relative frequency (Ashland is the place I’ve lived the longest in my adult life!), and I often wonder what I can give back to people in my community during the often brief times we are able to share.

I’ve had far more serious challenges for which my friends have come forth: two diagnoses of cancer, a renal auto-transplant, my father’s passing to name a few, and I am reminded of the importance of offering true connection to the people in my life, because that is what was invaluable for me during those times. Not just pleasantries, but authentic connection. I think that as I write this, what I mean by connection is that the people we are interacting with feel seen and heard. And that means that we try to have to the wisdom to know what they need to feel that way–not just what we would need to feel that way in a similar moment.

My community grows deeper from shared connections. I have been gone a lot lately, and now that I’ll be around for the next couple of weeks, I am looking forward to helping those around me know what they mean to me…to feel cared for, seen and heard. We all deserve that, because each moment of this life is precious, and each one of us deserves to be uplifted and held by those close to us.

We humans love and live for connection–it’s not the  multiple superficial ones, but quality and authentic connections that truly sustain us. It would be unnecessary for someone we care about to feel taken for granted, so I encourage us all to set the intention to remember a little more often that the little connections matter, and to go out of our way to do something special for those in our lives. You can write a card and drop it off on the porch, make that phone call that seems there is no time for, buy them a copy of that book by the author they always talk about, have tea, send a funny photo, or simply–and perhaps most importantly–tell them authentically and with presence that they are important to you and why, and listen to them when they speak. Like the Tong-len meditations in Tibetan Buddhism, once we do that with the people close to us for which it might flow a little easier, we can then move on to help those with which we have seemingly brief and passing interactions to feel seen. We are all using our life force, in whatever we do and with whomever we are doing it with, and it is equally valuable to all of us. Let’s make it worthwhile!

Commitment to Do What it Takes

Mixed climbing in Ouray

“If you’re interested, you’ll do what’s convenient. If you’re committed, you’ll do whatever it takes.” – John Assara

This quote is about taking action and it has inspired me to do whatever it takes to continue to create a life in which I am fulfilled and feel balance. I was supposed to be going to Yosemite to meet up with old friends, do a bit of climbing, and check out the Telluride MountainFilm Festival that was on tour and showing at the Lee Vining Gas Mart (you should go if you get a chance). My partner in crime got called for jury duty…bummer? Could be…but it is also a blessing, as I have had so little time to put my energy towards the many other things that feed my soul. As a result, I am taking this opportunity to focus on planning my future workshops and taking the time to nourish my body and soul…perhaps some long hikes in the hills of Ashland, a spa day, and more yoga and meditation! My boyfriend and I have some family coming in from out of town, and it will be great to share this gem of a town with them, which I would have missed otherwise. I decided to put a picture of me doing my first “mixed climb” (which is climbing both rock and ice) because so often in climbing, you get stuck at a point where you wonder what to do next…and in the end, you just have to do whatever it takes to make it happen to get to the top! Here, I was in a totally new element climbing rock with ICE tools as I made my way towards the next ice fall, and I had to work with what I had to keep heading up. It was exhilarating!

What could you be doing today to move you towards a more balanced and fulfilled life? Perhaps take some time to reach out to that friend or family member you haven’t connected with in a while, or put your nose to the grindstone and get that project out of the way that you’ve been putting off for a while (it’s always easier than we think it will be, isn’t it?). Whatever you do, today, take action to make your life a little more whole…you deserve it!