Days 172 to 177 – Death Is To Be Contemplated – Looking Love In The Eyes

“The more joy you have, the more perfect you are.” ~ Spinoza

Last night I couldn’t sleep. I started to worry about getting cancer again. Why? Probably because everything is going so well. And when things go really well, sometimes I worry about something really bad happening. And for many people, the worse thing they could think of is to get cancer. For me, that’s already happened – twice – so then I worry it will come back. It is very annoying.

In my coaching practice, I often remind clients that our life lessons are revisited over and over again. We look at our challenges like a spiral, where we pass through something again but in a different place, at a slightly – or radically – different vibration or perspective. This is one of mine. And this is where I walk my talk.

But what is this challenge, exactly? I think it is fear that life isn’t as perfect as I know it really is. A doubt that I may not be right. That perfection in all things isn’t possible. That I don’t have the right to be so happy or feel so perfect.

Then I do what I do with my clients in this space, “ So ‘What if,’ Ana? What if you got cancer again and it didn’t get better this time. What would you do differently?”

Know what was cool?

 I would do nothing differently. Well, maybe hang out with my mom more, but she’s coming up next month so I feel OK about that.

When I had this same scare a little over a year ago, I completely freaked out because I was not living my life to the fullest. To others it certainly looked like it. But for MY standards, for what I wanted, I knew I was selling myself short.

I changed a lot in my life since then – how much I work, how I spent my time, who I gave my love to. That whole scare is why I started my Full On 365 blog: to commit to living fully every day. No regrets. And it worked.

Now, with this same scare, I at least have a sense of peace that I am living fully, loving fully, feeling fully.

 It is priceless.

But it is still scary. The thought of leaving all I love before I feel ready (otherwise known as “dying”) is deeply scary.

I drop into memories of my deepest meditations, when I could feel in my cells that every being is timeless, that this limited “I” in this body, onto which I grasp so firmly, is an illusion, and that I am so much more than I even know; that even if I die, there is a wisdom and peace with it and a realization that there is no end. Like one of my fave teachers said, “Rejoice for those around you who transform into the force.” (Yoda;)

But the thought of not spending time with my partner and actualizing all our dreams, of my mother crying as she never fathomed life without me…these things bring tears to my eyes as I write this. Sometimes I don’t want to think about it. Yet, I know I need to. if anything, because it ensures I don’t waste my precious life. Or that I don’t take this beautiful planet we live on for granted.

Death is to be contemplated. To avoid thinking about it is to avoid looking love in the eyes. I say this because there is a certain realization brought about only by REALLY understanding you are going to die and that you don’t know when – that life and love are precious, and that you dare not waste another minute of your precious life energy on anything but living and loving fully. Until you realize this, sure – you can love, and even feel it is full-on…But there’s another, deeper, more rich level there. Trust me.

Do you have a hard time contemplating death? Do you have a practice of thinking about it regularly? Let me know what you do below – I’d love to hear from you!
Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

4 Comments on Days 172 to 177 – Death Is To Be Contemplated – Looking Love In The Eyes

  1. Savitha balasubramanyam
    July 26, 2012 at 9:35 pm (7 years ago)

    I have been following your full on journey ever since I received your first email. To write with so much truth requires courage and guess what every cell in your body is already smiling as I say it 🙂 even before you acknowledge or give me that verbal nod 🙂 A few days ago I wrote something similar…of course not on a blog but my personal diary…just for my pair of eyes , which I feel ready to share here today. When I travelled non stop for a year and my feet traversed me through unknown magnificence which felt known…I suddenly felt “Is this a fast module crash course because it’s limited shelf life for me?” I wonder where that thought even creeped in? No I did not suffer from any illness in the past…but just the sheer fact that one can be happy for so long…..makes us put brakes to analyse that happyness …although at a subconscious level…saying are you permitted to be happy for this long? Because perennially we are taught to believe that life throws shit and to be in a different state meaning HAPPYNESS for a great length of time even makes us fear if this state will really last.

    A few days ago…a friend of mine created a fake pregnancy in her mind so much so that her pregnancy test came positive. This is the power of ones thinking.

    Well we all know one day the clock would stop and the knowledge of it should help each of us weave our stories the way we would want them to be told; when the clock does stop. But for today! I think the larger life and it’s expanse tells me…give yourself the FREEDOM to feel happy…because You deserve it! And the underlying truth that you won’t live your life any different is that measure of your contentment ….so turnaround and pat your back gurl 🙂 How many of us can even answer the same question in the same tone???? Just a handful…so be bindasssssssss…badassss girl 🙂

    • Ana Neff
      July 27, 2012 at 12:29 pm (7 years ago)

      Ah Savi, your words are so refreshing and moving. Thank you for taking the time to share your journey as well. Aren’t we blessed little beings? It’s all so magnificent. I toast to your happiness and sustained bindass;) Let’s carry on this movement of helping others know they deserve to be authentically happy, and that it is indeed possible to feel it for so much of this precious life! To Your Freedom of Happiness – Ana

  2. Joy Resor
    July 27, 2012 at 12:22 pm (7 years ago)

    Blessings, Ana!

    Thank you for being YOU.

    May you find lots and lots more years of loving and living fully with tons of joy, serving others with wisdom and grace.

    My partner and I will say occasionally, today is a good day to die. I love my life, and I know this body is temporary and will turn to dust when it needs to, or when my Spirit needs to leave it, I suspect. .

    Anyway….here’s to chasing fear away (egoic thoughts) and living our bigger truth of our Highest Selves.


    • Ana Neff
      July 27, 2012 at 12:31 pm (7 years ago)

      Amen, sistah! Yes, here is to eliminating the obscurations that our ego throws our way. Thank you for sharing those moments you have with your husband (“today is a good day to die”). That is so powerful, and exactly what I am speaking about. You are being brave and living Full-On by being open to those truths – so badass;) happy happy joy joy!!!!


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