Days 91 to 95 – Stop Comparing

I have spent the last few days camping at the Cal-Salmon River (yup, that’s in California;). Gorgeous! We came here because Thai is a great paddler and there was a river race of sorts. I hung out with a ton of Badasses. I am badass in my own way (and in case you are wondering, so are YOU!) but we were amongst serious badass water dogs. Having almost drowned twice as a child, a “water dog,” I am not. But I’m kind of a water puppy;)

I had a great time hanging with the peeps, especially my old college friend, Haven, who happened to be parked right next to us when we rolled into town (she had also just read a recent FullOn365.com post!). We hadn’t seen each other for over 15 years). Dozens of peeps played on the water (I even went down a river with a guy in a whitewater canoe!), howled at the moon (well, mostly I did that), and did a little ruckus-raising. No one got hurt during the Class V race, and all was groovy.

I enjoyed myself, even though I am not a good whitewater boater. Suffice it to say, the ability to do that has taken some time to cultivate.

I realized how far I’ve come with minimizing comparisons in my life, and it thrills me! They still happen, of course, but I have to say: I am feeling that all the work I’ve done around recognizing my own unique self-worth has paid off. A few years ago, I would have obsessed all day and night about how I might be able to be as good a kayaker as everyone else, or how I could appear more badass in their eyes…on and on…

It would have been exhausting.

Instead, when I had one of my classic comparison thoughts that goes something like, “(Sigh) my boyfriend probably would love me more if I was a better kayaker,” (I KNOW…we humans are such strange creatures to torture ourselves like that!!!), I quickly had the “antidote” thought and feeling that I LOVE being me, that I need to continue to love life on my terms, being authentic in who I am… Oh yeah, and that my partner loves me lots right NOW, thank you very much. And if he didn’t…oh well. Life is too short to pretend you are someone you’re not. WAY too short.

It’s also too short to be boxing yourself into a limited idea about who you THINK you are…but that’s another post.

All you’re doing when you’re being authentic is calling in the people who will lift you up, and creating space between you and the people who won’t celebrate you, and being relaxed in your BEING and in being fully present to each moment.

So, why do we bother with pretending, or wishing to be someone we’re not? Comparing ourselves to others, and essentially attracting people who won’t celebrate us?! We do it all the time…usually because we don’t don’t believe that we are enough – so we don’t think anyone would celebrate the authentic ME anyway, or that because we fall into old patterns of trying to please or impress.

I know at first it can seem hard to trust that you are completely lovable and amazing as you ALREADY are, and that there are people who would celebrate you as you are (and who likely do already). But you know what? That is the truth.

I went through some serious crap to figure that out (you can check out my bio for a few details about how). And if you’d like, you can choose to go through more crap yourself to figure out how awesome you truly are, right here and right now. OR you can try to trust me on this one, OK? Trust that I am not bullshitting you when I say, “You are more than enough.”

It was awesome letting go of comparing, and I was able to have such a better time! And I found that when you stop comparing, you can more fully celebrate others as well, which was supah fun to do around so many talented people.

Plus, I got to show off my badass manifesting skills for some balance. See, I am really good at manifesting, and my boyfriend is still somewhat confused by it, so I like to show him every now and then.

He had been checking out this rescue best they were raffling off. I said, “Let’s buy a few tickets and I’ll win it for you.” we bought three tickets. I said, “Remind me what it is we’re trying to win, again? A PFD or something?” “Rescue vest he says. So they call numbers, and I get momentarily bummed when our number isn’t called for one of the other prizes. But I remind myself that is simply because our number was going to be called for the vest.

So they get down to the vest, and they say “0-5-2” and I jump up psyched! Our number! The irony of the only chick who didn’t paddle there winning the grand prize of a high-tech rescue vest wasn’t lost on me. I quickly handed it to my boyfriend to avoid bitter vibes;)

Oh, and while I was on a roll at doing things imperfectly and having a great time, we visited our friend John in Arcata and I painted my first oil painting! That’s a pic of it above. Doing things imperfectly is fun;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 78 to 82 – Confessions of a Perfectionist

Living Full-On Every DayI know you all have seen photos that I’ve posted about backcountry skiing trips in Alaska and Colorado etc. What you may not know is that I’m relatively new to skiing. I’ve owned skis for a long time…but actually using them on a regular basis has somehow eluded me. I think it is that “fear of falling on my face at high speeds” thing. But admittedly, there’s more.

This year, Alaska got dumped on (where as the lower 48 got barely anything for most of the winter), my partner is from Alaska, and he definitely skis. So, I strapped those boards on more than ever this year, and it was a true experience in being humbled, and getting over my perfectionism (which  had conveniently forgotten about).

You see, I’m actually used to big mountains. Lots of skiers, when they come to Alaska, are at least temporarily overwhelmed by the largess of what surrounds them. The largess, I am used to. I’ve guided in the Himalaya and even in Alaska itself. The massive glaciers and peaks are awe-inspiring, and at the same time, I am more accustomed to them than most outdoorsy peeps. But with slippery boards attached to my feet, I was freaked out to be in those big mountains, to put it mildly. And beyond that, if I were being truly honest, it wasn’t even fear that bothered me so much, because I adapt that way pretty quickly.

Getting ready for to head out from the Homer Spit for some sailing and skiing

What got to me was sucking at something.

I am all about growth. After all, Full On 365 is about me pushing myself to grow in every humanly way possible, not just through physical challenges, but spiritual ones as well. And Alaska – as big mountains often do – pushed me to stretch in both ways this winter.

I know how to climb (rock snow, and ice), I know how to carry big heavy packs and suffer for the inevitably epic reward at the end of the adventure, and for the amazing times to be had on the journey itself. I know how to assess mountain terrain and cross big rivers and manage being in grizzly territory and plan big adventures in foreign countries and how to stay warm with very little clothing.

But, my dears, I know not how to ski very well. And that fact has kept me from doing it – often.

I have often spoken with my clients about how perfectionism, and needing to do something uber well every time can keep you from actually experiencing life –  and more importantly, from enjoying it! Who cares if you don’t do it perfectly, right?

I do.

I’d like to not care, but I do. And it has taken me a lot of work to move through that, which is why I think I can speak about it so well to my clients, and help them through it as well. So when perfectionism reared its ugly head again on this recent trip, I was taken aback.

Pretty much every trip to Alaska this winter involved skiing. And not just every trip, but every day. And I went along, a somewhat reluctant adventurer this time around, wanting to learn and get better (the only way to get better is to DO it!) and hang out with my tribe in beautiful places having an awesome time, even if I did fall on my ass (and face) all day.

Getting ready to ski – ocean to mountaintop! – at Jakalof Bay

However, every one of my friends is a really good skier. I mean REALLY good. Some of them don’t even climb, but many have been skiing for the larger part of their lives, and telemarking at least several years. I was on tele skis as well, which are trickier that alpine skis because your heel isn’t locked down to the ski itself, and it involves a refined technique to make downhill turns. The tradeoff is that because your heel isn’t locked down, it allows you to strap skins on and hike uphill – to big mountaintops and to remote places. Sahweet, and totally worth it for me! Plus, making a good tele turn is a high in and of itself. But falling on your face when everyone else is rockin’ it seemingly effortlessly down the slopes doesn’t feel so awesome.

On this last trip, my partner and I happened to also go sailing – an absolutely stunning trip with incredible views and fortunate weather. We brought skis, too. We were going to be out for 2.5 days, and we skied for the first day above Jakalof Bay on Broken Knife. It was hard going uphill in funky snow for me (oh yeah, I forgot to mention – not only was skiing hard, but being out of shape hiking uphill in skis didn’t help either. I didn’t do much of that in Oregon the last few months). Then it was sketchy coming down in crusty heavy wet snow and I fell every two turns. We had to navigate through trees and gullies to get back to the road before hiking back down to the boat. But it was gorgeous at the top, and I felt satisfied back at the boat and relieved after having survived.

The next day, my partner suggested we go for a beach hike, or a sail into some other bays. I was pleased at this. To have a day when I wasn’t struggling up  – or down – a mountain was a lovely thought to me. It sounded so…relaxing.

Then, a boatload of people (literally) pulled up in skies at the dock we had slept at, and two of Thai’s friends (Thais is my partner – I always forget to just say his name) showed up inviting us to ski. He looked at me and said, “So what do you think?”

Just before falling on my face every two turns

And I wanted soooooo badly to shout back, “WTF do you think!!!!! NO I don’t want to ski. I’m tired of being stressed out and feeling lame and sucky at something. I am tired of struggling uphill and feeling out of shape and clumsy. I would like to do something I am fucking GOOD at today!”

But I didn’t yell that. I just said calmly, “The last thing I want to do right now is go backcountry skiing with a bunch of strangers.” And he understood.

But you see, I think I WOULD have liked to have gone. What I didn’t want was to feel all that incompetence and struggle and other icky feelings. And I realized that was ALL MY SHIT. Thai didn’t care if I was slow or if I fell. He loved being out there with me no matter what. And I felt a sadness that I was keeping myself from having another adventure. If I didn’t care what other people thought, if I didn’t compare myself to others, I would have gone, at my own pace, in my own way.

Sigh.

So I took a walk to the end of the dock after everyone left for their kick-ass adventure, and I sat on the edge, looking at the mountains and at the reflections in the beautiful water, and I cried. I didn’t like feeling embarrassed or scared to do something. I didn’t like feeling like I was holding my partner back (I told him to catch up to them and go, while I hung out and read and went for a hike or something, but he wanted to stay with me). Whatever was going on, I didn’t like it. But I let it wash over me. It was so obvious to me that it was my shit, my deep feelings of self-worth and all that shtuff were getting their buttons pushed. So I opened to it all. I was surprised by it, but attentively watched it all move through me like a movie.

Views of distant volcanoes from Tutka Bay

Then I allowed myself to receive my partner’s hugs and words of love and encouragement, and we set sail. The water was stunning and perfect and we had porpoises playing around us, views of the marine volcanoes across the water, and watched sea otters and loons and it was just…life at its finest.

I felt better.

(Here’s a video of the porpoises playing ear the boat: http://youtu.be/f9hLElIRia8 )

The next day, we met some friends at a mountain cabin for a work party, and we almost didn’t ski because it was drizzling and there was a lot of work to be done on the cabin. But then it got a bit warmer, and it was decided that skiing was the thing to do. Ugh.

I had left my skis at the car for these last two days in Alaska. And I was going to continue to leave them there. I was with a group of guys, all of whom go backcountry skiing almost every day after a long day at work, when most people make dinner and go to bed. Hell no I was not going to ski again. Especially after my messed up epic falling every two turns at Broken Knife.

But these guys are convincing, and kind, and oh so sweet, and they repeatedly told me how it didn’t matter, that we wouldn’t be doing anything epic and that I could turn around whenever I wanted. But what really got me was when our friend Cliff said, “You have to get your skiing mojo back, You have to remember that skiing isn’t about the falling or the crappy snow. Come out and get your mojo back.”

Again, the reluctant skier, I went.

And IT WAS FREAKIN’ AMAZING!

We hiked up to this gorgeous broad face of snow, hung out at the top and shared some scooby snacks, then we skied down. I fell once, but before and after that, I linked beautiful turns in perfect spring snow, and took in the views and laughed and smiled a HUGE smile because it was so incredibly fun.

Mojo back.

So, I am not saying one should push themselves to being uncomfortable every day in order to grow. I am also not saying that wanting to just rest on the sailboat was in anyway “wrong” on my part. But what I do want to remind myself of is that I cannot let my desire to be good at something (let alone kick-ass at something) keep me from doing it imperfectly.

Do it imperfectly. The imperfect moments in life are TOO MUCH FUN.

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting Anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at Anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

Days 70 to 73 – Fall in Love With Yourself

Living Full-On Every DayI was beating myself up for multi-tasking today. Yesterday, I was in the middle of doing something with a dear friend when she told me her husband was just diagnosed with cancer. Now, I’ve had cancer twice, and I know how that affected my loved ones when they found out. And I was flat-out PISSED that I was having to finish this “thing” we were doing before I could be totally present with her. I was thinking, “WTF!? How can I keep having to do this without stopping and giving her a hug?!” It pained me.

Well, for starters, we were in a surgery, so yeah, I couldn’t hug her. But I put my forehead against hers and we waited until the end.

Then later I was checking email on my phone and my mom called so I answered and put her on speaker phone and kept checking my email and I thought, “Wait! This is your MOTHER! What if she dies tomorrow? And the last time you talk to her you were thinking about flight times?” (BTW in case you haven’t noticed, the thought of me or others dying doesn’t freak me out. It reminds me to “Wake The Fuck Up!”) Sorry for all the F-bombs;)

I have vowed to not multitask today. Not for the weekend – just for today. You see, I am addicted to getting shit done!

I was going to write more about this addiction of mine, when a recent email from a client popped up for some reason (OK Universe, I’m listening!), and it said, “Thank you…I am falling in love with myself again” (you know who you are – yay;). Then I opened another email from a FullOn365 reader that said, “I am focusing every day on my healing and letting go of the idea that I must be a mother at all costs. We are all spirits having a human experience and this is mine to have that with…I need to advance.”(you know who YOU are;) Yes. YES. YESSS!!!!!Then all these images came flooding in of the sistahs in my Ziji Up Mastery Program talking about how amazing it feels to start nurturing a sense of self-love again.

So I guess I’ll write about that, even though there is kind of no segue. There must be a reason, and you have to listen when it calls;) Maybe it means something particularly special for someone out there.

Here’s the take-home point ahead of time, in case you can’t read further:

We must all fall in love with ourselves (again).

As kids it was much more easy to love ourselves. Then we made a few mistakes because hey, we were like 5…then it became relatively easy to beat ourselves up. And as we got older it was easier to look at how messed up things have gotten and feel like we are broken. And it seemed to have happened so quickly, this falling out of love with ourselves.

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

100% of the time (yes, EVERY TIME) when a client tells me they feel they are broken, then they tell me the shit they’ve been through, I think, “Damn sistah! You’ve been through hell and back and here you are. If you were broken, you wouldn’t be here with me right here and right now. Welcome.”

Just because we make the same mistakes, just because we keep screwing up, just because bad shit keeps happening to us doesn’t mean we are broken. It means we are still having a lesson to learn. It means we need to do things differently. Maybe it means we need more support. It also means we are needing to fall in love with ourselves. So many of us can offer this love and compassion to others, yet leave the scraps for ourselves. All the above means a whole lot of things – but NOT that you are broken.

START LOVING YOURSELF – FIRST! It is the best thing you can do for others! I am not saying to be selfish (although many of you may have an inner voice that tells you loving yourself first is selfish, but that’s OK. Just hang with me here for a bit). I am talking basic facts – only through taking care of yourself can you take care of others.

You know on the airplane, how they tell you to put the mask on YOURSELF before YOUR CHILD?! It ain’t rocket science, baby. And did you know that many ailments in adulthood stem from events happening in-utero, with the little person developing in their mama and those mamas not eating well, or resting, or exercising, or avoiding stress (aka loving on themselves)? It’s true!

One of the basic philosophies that I was trained in (and believed in even before I went through my coaching program) is to view my clients as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. This seemed natural to me, yet apparently it is not how most people view themselves or others…especially others asking for help.

YOU are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. You kick ass. You are a badass waiting to be let out of your shell. A frickin’ puma in a cage. You are all of that, and MORE. So let yourself OUT and love yourself. And just so you don’t think I’m full of it it because I may not know you, check this out: WE ARE ALL THAT WAY. Even that ex you don’t think so highly of. Even your critical annoying sister. Even your angry father. We all just got off track in understanding what we truly needed to be happy and stopped loving on ourselves, and therefore on others (mean people always dislike themselves more than they ever dislike anyone else).

Do you know why we treat ourselves so poorly (we can be SO MEAN to ourselves! Listen to what these inner gremlins say!)? It is because deep down we KNOW we can do better. We KNOW we can make better choices. And we’re pissed that we don’t let ourselves out of the cage that we can – in an instant – open with one thought; that thought being, “I am worthy of love, and I am able.”

There’s more, “Not only that, but I am able because that is what I was born to do. I am magnificent because I was born to be nothing less. So now I am going to start living like it. Start showing up the way I was meant to.” And FIRST showing up for yourself in the way you need to

I say don’t just think you are enough. Know you are MORE than enough. And again, start with loving yourself.

When we decide to fall in love with ourselves again, it can be easy to start on the mental trip of going through all our regrets and trying to convince ourselves we are worthy of forgiveness.

Here’s the good news: Just start with treating yourself well. Rest when you’re tired. Play when you’re bored. Get a massage. Call in sick (but don’t get sick!) Take yourself out on a date. Hire a house cleaner. Get up early and meditate (as long as you’ve had enough sleep!). Go to bed by 9pm (gasp!). Have a  foot soak and watch a funny movie. Take a long weekend to climb that mountain you’ve been wanting to climb. You get the idea.

I’d love to hear what you do for self care – and therefore self love. Please share;)

Shizzle. I hope all that helped you feel a little love inside 😉

 

(PS: check out the Jedi Juice training call in May on making choices to help you be alignment with lovin’ on yourself;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

The Power of Choice

“The Power of Choice”

(and the freedom of owning your sh#t!)

 

A FREE and FUN Jedi Juice™ Training Call

Thursday, May 17th

Time: 5pm PST, 6pm MDT, 7pm CDT, 8pm EDT

 

[button url=”https://zijilife.infusionsoft.com/app/form/power-of-choice-free-training-call” size=”large” color=”red” window=”yes”]Grab Your Seat Now[/button]

You don’t have to be a Global Leader or a Hollywood celebrity for your choices to have a huge impact. No matter who you are, you are constantly shaping the world around you with your choices. Just like a kaleidoscope, every twist and turn you choose colors your life in a new way.

From where you choose to live, to the people you choose to spend time with, to what time you decide to get out of bed…your choices are shaping your life, and the ENTIRE world around you…ALL THE TIME.

So in order for you to have a different and epic life – a life you consider FULL-On – you must push through your resistance, challenge your current patterns and learn to make NEW choices to open exciting new doors of possibility.

In an information-packed training call, you’ll discover…
• How your LIMITING BELIEFS may be screwing up your health, finances, relationships and overall happiness without you even realizing it, and a quick and easy Jedi shift to DRAMATICALLY turn things around
• How you TRAIN PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT YOU – and stop tolerating
• Secrets to creating NEW POSSIBILTIES for yourself in a way that feels empowering
• The keys to gaining greater clarity so you can make CLEAR CHOICES
• How to ERADICATE the harmful, crippling effects of DOUBT and step into a state of possibility
• How to QUICKLY visualize the right choice at the right time…
• And so much more…

You see, it’s really not that hard.

Once you identify the thoughts and beliefs that shape your actions and outcomes, you can consciously shift those beliefs and behaviors to maximize your potential and start getting the kinds of results you desire.

Because honestly, if your life doesn’t look the way you feel it should, then it’s up to YOU to make a change for the better. It’s as simple as making a new choice…

If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always gotten. During The Power of Choice, you’ll pinpoint the thoughts that drive your actions, and learn how to choose NEW thoughts to create – literally – the life of your dreams.

During this uber juicy Jedi training, you’ll also…

Learn how to RISE ABOVE your circumstances and see the possibilities…
• Throw off self-imposed limitations & give yourself permission to CHOOSE…and start being treated the way you want to be treated.
Actively RE-PROGRAM the wiring of your mind to achieve your dreams…
Learn about writing your own BADASS MANIFESTO and start being treated the way you want (and deserve) to be
• AND MUCH, MUCH MORE…

The Jedi Juice calls are also packed with interactive activities. You don’t just sit around and listen to me talk on these trainings. That is so not yoda-like 😉. You will actually participate and learn! So reserve now. As I said, this is a supah-packed, content-rich training call, and it’s full of insights, Jedi mind tools, and inspirations that you’ll use for the rest of your life.

OH, and one more thing in case you didn’t notice…IT’S FREE.

That’s right – this entire training call is yours to attend, absolutely FREE, as my gift to you for being inspired to live Full On.

Don’t waste another second unconsciously throwing roadblocks onto your own path and getting in your own way. You are a powerful badass beyond measure, and it’s time to harness that power and use it for GOOD. Open the doors to your own potential, so you can help inspire others to do the same.

Register NOW, before you miss out on CREATING YOUR FULL-ON LIFE.

[button link=”https://zijilife.infusionsoft.com/app/form/power-of-choice-free-training-call” size=”xl” color=”red” window=”yes”]Reserve Your Spot Now![/button]

Space on this call is limited because we actually talk and interact and learn, so reserve your spot early! Register now before someone else grabs your spot…

To Living Full On,

PS. If there’s someone in your life who could benefit from making better choices, by all means, PLEASE SEND THEM THIS LINK;)

I promise you…they’ll thank you for it;)

Days 66 to 69 – Creating Kicks Ass

Living Full-On Every DayCreating kicks ass. I know this, because I had my first free three-day weekend in a while (meaning not only did I not have schedule work, but I also had no other plans made) and I chose to focus on Freedom Junkie and create. And you know what? It was awesome. Of course, it would have even more awesome if I were able to do what I did in the wilderness with a view of snow-capped rugged peaks (hmmmm…perhaps that magazine cover with me using an iPad while backpacking isn’t so far from reality as I had originally thought…). However, being able to look out my window and see the distant hills, the blue sky, these gorgeous tree blossoms, and know that I  would have uninterrupted time to create was such an indulgence.

I have often thought about the time available to us in our youth. Sometimes seemingly wasted time, with us lacking the wisdom to “make the most of it.” I have often wistfully yearned for the freedom to have a thought, and ponder it for hours. The hours! What a luxury. And here I gave myself permission to geek out on Ziji for an entire weekend. No answering any calls except from my partner or my mother. No errands. No laundry. Just pure creation. And I couldn’t wait for it to start!

The result? No more jotting down notes while driving, no more dictating blog ideas into my iPhone. No wishing that I was able to completely focus on my genius work (not something I am good at, or even excellent at, but something that fills my cup, that nourishes my soul). I immersed myself in Ziji and it was phantastic;)

I created four new Free Training Calls (aka Jedi Juice). I named them Jedi Juice because of the total badass-ness of the power of creation they open you up to…and because Yoda es el señor). I decided I was going to offer them for free. I got super psyched to pick the topics most important to my Ziji peeps. I got uber invested in offering unbeatable value in everything I offered. I stayed up until 4am writing. I slept in. I did yoga. I went on runs in the hills. I had ideas and I thought about them. For a long time. Uninterrupted.

Revolutionary.

I was on a creative retreat, and I’d never really taken one before.

The first day of this stretch, I held a Ziji Up Mastery Program group coaching call. Then I sat in a steamroom for 30 min and  afterwards I got a 90 minutes massage. Then I sat in the steamroom again. Then I created two new programs that night. Talk about return on investment! I stayed up awhile, but I was jazzed.

So…create! Go forth and freakin’ create! When you are doing something you love, all the work and what you create it is merely love manifested – not burdensome.

What fills your creative soul? Is it singing? Writing? Dressing up or doing your hair or makeup? Is it planing a backcountry expedition? Is it organizing a trip to a remote part of the world? WHAT IS IT?

You must find the answer if you don’t know it yet. If you do know it, DO it and BE it now.

We are creative beings, and to manifest our creative destiny is one of the greatest gifts we can leave this world. If you don’t think you’re “creative” because you don’t know how to draw or because your outfits are boring (“How did she EVER think of wearing socks on her ARMS?” you wonder), or because you’re a science geek, think again.

We are all creative, and we must find our own way of expressing it. Maybe for you it is dance, writing love letters, telling jokes, or cooking, mountain biking, or building a boat! Those are creative acts. Those acts are you expressing yourself in your own way, doing it in your style.

Bring it. The world will be a better place because of it.

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly  Freedom Junkie ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

From Hopelessness to Happiness – A Learnable Life Skill

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema Chodron

I had a very sad experience this past week. A family had lost their baby, in the hospital, within 24 hours of their birth, from an accident. The air was heavy with compassion, as well as the underlying fear that something just as horrible could happen to us – by accident. The intensity of the grief was palpable, and I was in awe of how humans can actually make it through an experience like that.

Many people do get through life’s formidable challenges and continue with their lives, albeit changed. I got to thinking about resiliency, and how some people seem to take life’s blows – big or small – with relative grace, and others get thrown and sucked down by relatively less stressful events. What was up with that?

What helps people bounce back (or stay steady to begin with)?

I’ll give two examples of different perspectives that I’ve seen recently (names changed, of course).

If life could be graded, Christina would give hers an F.U. Her new job is stressful, her teenage daughter is struggling with depression, she and her husband are fighting a lot lately, and she hates herself for the extra 30 pounds she’s carrying.

Christina feels hopeless and her life seems depressing and dark. Every setback reinforces her feelings of pessimism and grim certainty that nothing will ever get better.

Barbara’s struggles seem just as daunting. Her husband just lost his job, two months after the birth of their first child. She is responsible for her elderly mother, who is becoming increasingly frail. To make things worse, her best friend and main support is moving to another state (yikes!) and the landlord just raised the rent by $200. Despite all this, Barbara gives her life a strong B+ and knows there are some A+wesome days ahead.

I’ve done my share of studying and exploring mindset and it’s effect on resiliency and optimism. A lot of my interest started because I grew up in the ghetto, and I wondered why some of us “got out,” and others didn’t. Most people don’t believe me when I say that about the ghetto, but then I point out that the movie Dangerous Minds was based on my neighborhood, and then they believe me.

Growing up, I watched most of my friends join gangs, drop out of school, and have babies by the time they were 16. I had a gun pointed at my face, point blank, when I was 15. When he pulled the trigger he aimed it just left of my head to be funny. To top it off, I had a schizophrenic bipolar father, an (ahem) challenging and aggressive mother, and I walked around – literally – with holes in my shoes.

But dangit, if that paragraph had you wanting to buy me a Coke, let me tell you: I was somehow happier than my other friends were.

For a long while I thought I was messed up somehow. For realz! Like I didn’t understand some “mature” truth about life that somehow made it suck more.

Then I started to pick up on the fact that despite my father being schizo-affective, when he wasn’t having paranoid delusions, he was actually super funny and positive. And my mother, while needing a few courses on anger management back then, was utterly unfailing in the way she supported anything I wanted to accomplish, and bounced back from adversity pretty quickly. And it was REAL! For both of them!

Somehow, our life wasn’t “ideal,” but we were going to have enjoy it anyway. And my parents always said, “Obstacles can become opportunities.” (We heard a baptist preacher give a speech at a graduation once, and he went through each letter of the alphabet like that, e.g. challenges into consciousness, and they stuck.) My one other friend from my neighborhood who went to college? Also optimistic. Ever since we were kids it was obvious.

Snap! I started thinking that while optimism wasn’t the only reason, it was probably a big one.

Using the examples above, I’ll bet your bottom dollar that unlike Christina, Barbara sees her setbacks as temporary obstacles to be overcome. To her, crises are a part of life, opportunities for her to gain wisdom and courage.

Put simply, some people are optimists and others are pessimists. However, optimism isn’t an accident–it’s a skill that can be learned, one that can help us feel better, resist depression and greatly improve our lives. I learned it from my parents, for sure. Studies have also shown that some part of optimism (a SMALL part) is indeed a biological wiring of our brain but – HEY! If you have pessimistic tendencies, don’t go down the “permanent” path – it is malleable! You can teach yourself, and learn, how to be optimistic. And that means you can teach yourself to be healthier and happier.

I Can Learn to Be Optimistic? Prove it!

OK.

Psychologist, clinical researcher, and bestselling author Martin Seligman has spent 25 years studying optimism and pessimism, and is one of the founding leaders of the Positive Psychology field. In his book, Learned Optimism, he states that pessimistic thinking can undermine not just our behavior but our success in all areas of our lives.

“Pessimism is escapable,” he writes. “Pessimists can learn to be optimists.” Does this mean when you are optimistic that you walk around ignoring suffering and negativity? Hellz no! It means you learn to not spiral down into a place where you are doing yourself more harm than good. And it means you don’t spend all your energy trying to protect yourself from suffering because you get that it is a part of life, so you might as well get on the bouncing-back-quickly bandwagon and learn some skillz. It means that you give yourself and others the benefit of the doubt, and you have a more positive experience in life, and more happiness, even if nothing else in your life changed.

So why not, right?!

By altering our view of our lives, we can actually alter our lives, Seligman says. First, we must recognize our “explanatory style,” which is what we say to ourselves when we experience a setback (aka gremlin alert). By breaking the “I give up” pattern of thinking and changing our interior negative dialogue, we can encourage what he calls “flexible optimism.”

He believes that focusing on our innate character strengths (wisdom, courage, compassion), rather than our perceived failures boosts not just our moods, but our immune system. Research has shown that optimistic people tend to be healthier and experience more success in life; therefore, he encourages parents to develop the patterns of optimism in their children.

Practicing “spiritual optimism” is another way to improve the quality of our lives. Joan Borysenko, psychologist, speaker and author of several books, including Fire in the Soul, encourages people who experience feelings of despair and hopelessness in times of crises to remember it takes courage to live, and that we can find that courage by facing our fears, finding support and using meditationm or prayer.

Similar techniques outlined by Dr. David Burns in his book Feeling Good: “The New Mood Therapy,” have been effective in treating depression. He believes that changing our thinking has a profound effect on our moods, including cases of severe depression. It’s not our lives that depress us, he writes, but our thinking about our lives.

There are multiple theories out there, and a growing body of decades worth of research, supporting the idea that unless Christina begins to change her thinking, her life’s outlook may remain bleak and dismal. Barbara, however, is likely to experience more satisfying and fulfilling years ahead because she believes her life is filled with “challenges and opportunities,” rather than “struggles and obstacles” (same same, but different).

Where do you fall on the scale of optimism vs pessimism? Check out the UPenn site where they have all sorts of fun positive psychology tests (Optimism Test, Compassionate Love, Authentic Happiness Inventory to name a few) that might help you learn more about where you can grow, and where you’re already dropping into how awesome YOU and your life are.

Keep an eye out in April for my upcoming FREE teleseminar, “What the Hell Just Happened!? Adapting to Change.” I’ll probably change the title, but that sounded fun for now;) If you want to get on the wait list, let me know here and I’ll send you early registration (I will limit it to 20 people so we can interact during the call).

In the meantime, try a daily practice of waking up and practicing gratitude first thing in the morning (=before you even get out of bed, even before you open your eyes, or have sex). Its a great way to set the tone for your day’s mindset.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives and personal success with confidence, clarity, and passion. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.ZijiLife.com

Days 54 to 56 – Fragility and Resilience of the Human Condition

Me and Maria, a nurse’s aid, in the DR after the birth of this beautiful baby

Warning: this post will be sad and possibly considered graphic for some. But living Full On isn’t about always being stoked and easy to read. I have had 4 hours sleep total in three days. Lately I’ve been helping out the midwife group even more, as one of the midwives is on an extended maternity leave and another tore her rotator cuff. This means I am often Full On pooped when on call. But despite the fatigue, I wanted to share  briefly about living full on when you are tender inside.

The past few days have indeed had me living and experiencing fully. I had a deep appreciation of the fortune in my life and counted my innumerable blessings after being reminded of the deep suffering people can experience in this world – A family at the hospital had lost their child, only 24 hours old, from an accident. I can’t even imagine the heartache and the places their souls and minds must go after that.

Then I remembered my friend and fellow midwife, Joanne Jorissen Chiwaula. She founded the African Mothers Health Initiative in Malawi, and I had the utter joy and honor of going to graduate school with her. She described how they had shelves where they would put the babies that had died that day, which happened every day, and they wrapped them in bright African cloths. I had an image of those shelves with bright bundles representing social injustice and the human condition.

I remembered volunteering in the Dominican Republic and going in to catch a woman’s baby and next to the labor bed, on the cold cement floor in a cardboard box, was a stillborn baby just tossed in there. I cringed in horror, first thinking of this mother I was helping and that she might have to see that right before giving birth. I took my foot and gently pushed the box out of the way as she struggled onto the table, apologizing to the baby in there with my heart. I silently cried inside as I tried to stay present for my laboring mother and her baby.

Later, some friends in the chocolate industry in the D.R. sent a driver with a Mercedes to pick me up in the “bad” neighborhood I was in. That was awkward.

After making sure I didn’t feel scared where I was staying (I loved it! Salsa club just around the corner!), they asked about my day. When I told them my experience in the state hospital, they were in disbelief, even going so far as to say my observation of there being no running water in the hospital – at least on labor and delivery – was a “mistake.” One woman there was even a pediatrician, but she trained in the US and worked in a private hospital. They weren’t bad people. Just sheltered – and passively not facing – the realities of their country,

I told them gloves were a luxury, and I brought mine from the US (on advice) while he local staff washed the ones they had in bleach and hung them in the sun, where they broke down quickly and would tear as you put them on. I had to carry my gloves on my person in a hipsack, as they’d get stolen by the staff wanting to protect themselves from HIV and the other predominating communicable diseases there.

I had flashes of the stillborns I had delivered here in the US, because birth is a “miracle” for a reason – and there are lots of things can can go wrong simply because it can, and can’t be prevented. I remembered delicately handing the swaddled silent babies to their mothers and the thick silence and holiness of the air.

After knowing about this family’s loss recently, I was reminded of all these events in a montage of memory flashes. I became heavy when I thought about how so many people experience this so much more frequently in other countries. I remembered my mother casually telling me that in the Philippines (she’s a Filipina herself), they often say pregnancy is “one foot in the grave.” Dang!

This suffering happens all over the world. And people still get up, and make breakfast for their family, go to work, play with their other kids and laugh with them, and they watch the sunset…the resiliency of humans – and here I particularly bow down to the women of the world – is awe-inspiring.

I let my heart fill with compassion,felt the sadness fully, and let it move through me. I was filled with a conviction to not turn away from the suffering of others. I also vowed to not get pulled under by the suffering of others, because that doesn’t serve anyone either.

The human condition is so fragile, yet resilient and bold. Tonight I go to bed grateful for my life, my blessings, and my ability to change the world and make it a better place.

PS: One book that really opened my eyes further to the huge role of poverty in social injustice is Paul Farmer’s Pathologies of Power. Check it.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives and personal success with confidence, clarity, and passion. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.ZijiLife.com

Days 48 and 49 – Being Oversensitive Sucks

Yesterday was a mellow day of sleeping, fixing up the yurt, then eating pizza with friends as we watched footage from our epic weekend (see below). There was such an awesome sense of community all weekend, and it was nice to fade into the rest of the week with a nice eve with amigos. It would have been even better had I not had my little uber-sensitive gremlin come up again. It had been awhile, so I was taken off guard. Can I pretty please blame it on my new birth control pills? Arrrgh.

I got all sensitive about how hard I was having to work the past few months and as a result, how I wasn’t as fit as I normally am (because of so many various reasons that we have all made up in our heads about that one before) and not being as, well, fun because I didn’t have as much energy as usual. I did that whole “I’m going to compare myself to other people” crap and that is never a good idea. Then I blamed my partner for comparing me, which he totally wasn’t (You should have seen me try to pull off that one! Good thing he’s on my gremlin’s* ass). Then I felt shitty about all that. Then I felt shitty about feeling shitty because deep down I know my life is sahweet and life is too short for feeling shitty!

Then I did the full on thing and said to my partner, gulp, “I’m sorry for freaking out,” and totally owned  my crap. Then today I did my mental Jedi juju stuff and told my gremlin to get the fuck out of my head and heart and let me live the bad ass life I am destined to be living. Yes, sometimes you need to be that harsh with The Gremlin. Sometimes it is good to say something sweet, like “Thank you for trying to protect me, but I don’t need that anymore.” And sometimes you just need to tell it to shut the f#*k up (I am trying to minimize my swearing for my mother…at least for this paragraph).

*What’s a gremlin? A fancy coaching term for it is also The Saboteur. The gremlins/saboteurs are the voices that tell you you are not capable or deserving enough to be happy and fulfilled. Like when one of my Freedom Junkie coaching clients says she wants to write a book, her gremlin says it is too expensive, or that she has nothing original to say. Another client’s gremlin tells her she can’t possibly have a career with her art because that is not “realistic.” One of mine (and apparently of many friends and clients) is that we aren’t worthy of love because if someone really knew who we were, they’d realize we aren’t perfect.

WTF! How crazy negative is that??!!! Very. And we ALL have them. Watch. Just for a day. Or an hour, even. You’ll notice them a lot. But don’t get down on yourself about it. It’s the way our brain works, and it is re-wireable. And you’re not broken because you have them. You are human!

It is best to learn about and acknowledge your gremlins, maybe even personify them (like have them look like the mean schoolteacher or a troll) and then come up with a system to shut them up. Where saboteurs speak from is fear, NOT TRUTH. You MUST remember this. NOT TRUTH.

When you hear a voice of TRUTH, it is very different. It speaks in a compassionate and clear voice. It is not one of fear or anger or belittling.

And know that saboteurs come up right when you are about to do some seriously bad-ass living, like right when you are about to be totally content in your relationship, or right when you are about to feel confident enough to quit your job, or right when you are about to come completely out of debt. Or right when you just had an epically fun weekend with your boyfriend and awesome friends skiing in the Alaskan backcountry, for example. They often cause us to (duh) sabotage our own happiness at these crucial moments.

So get out of your own way, and tell your gremlins to shut up so you can get on living you awesome life. It can be tricky. Trust me: this morning, when I decided not to drop into my saboteur’s story, I had to dig deep to believe that I was not hearing truth in those words, and I had to dig deep to come up with what I knew to be true. It was more difficult than usual because I have been so tired. But thankfully, I’ve had years of practice, which makes it much easier over time (I promise!). If you need some help with your own gremlins, let me know! A team often helps;)

For now, I am going to resume my bad ass life and head out for another ski. Did I mention the sun sets at 8:15 in Anchorage these days. Supah sahweet!

PS: As promised, here is more footage from the past few days:

http://youtu.be/tHlzDWSaCtU

Above is a video of one of our earlier runs

Below is a video of Tony and his dog, Pup Pup, on the first run off the summit of HaleBop (after you’ve admired Tony’s moves, rewind and watch Pup Pup run in his fresh tracks…awesome!)

http://youtu.be/mU_B1wiBo80

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom Mentor™. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses, and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

 

Days 27 and 28 – The Box: Letting Go of a Poverty Mindset Around Love

this is the postcard my soul mate gave me over a decade ago that was in The Box

Do you have a Box? I mean, THE box. The box that holds all those old pictures and love letters, cards, newspaper cutouts, plane ticket receipts, foreign money etc. Some would say Pandora’s Box;)

I had one of those boxes. Today, I went through it and – gasp! – threw stuff out! Full On.

It was a bittersweet tenderness. I looked at maps I collected over the years, ferry passes from sea crossings on my early travels, held money from various parts of Asia in my hand, and ticket stubs collected from fun first dates or with people I idolized (like my first ticket to see H.H. the Dalai Lama in person). I admitted, for example, that I really didn’t need the bulky napkin from a crazy guesthouse in Bangkok where I had stayed up all night with my friend dancing in wigs and sipping various concoctions with this “new” drink called Red Bull. I mean, really…I wasn’t going to bust that out with a grandkid on my lap one day. Maybe the story, but not the napkin;)

I also read beautiful letters from past boyfriends…many from more than a decade ago. I went through little packages they had made for me, sending them across mountains when I was working abroad or in the middle of Alaska or the Sierra Nevada in California.

As I read the loving words and saw the care put into the gifts, my heart twanged as I thought about how they might be doing now, how I feel so blessed to have been loved in such a beautiful way by them, and – yes – I wondered if they hated me.

For realz? For realz.

It takes a lot to disappoint another to honor yourself. Some of those breakups were ones that I wasn’t sure should happen, but I was trusting myself and what I needed, and honoring a future that would be better for both of us if we spent it apart. Inevitably, it was the right thing to do.

But still, I wondered if they hated me for breaking up. I really did love them, and I really wanted them to know that. I just, frankly, also loved myself more.

There…I said it.

While those relationships did indeed come to an end, it was good to remember that I have had some pretty amazing men in my life. I’ve been fortunate enough to generally have relationships in which we communicated well, were trusting, passionate, and involved a lot of life adventure in all shapes and sizes (pan to montage of me in couplehood laughing and frolicking in the mountains…).

Gag. I sound like the female version of Julio Iglesias right now. And I lack the accent to make up for the sappiness. Sorry.

In any event, they were great men, and I just didn’t want them to hate me. But ya know what? You can’t control something like that. I reminded myself that while I like to think of myself as a Jedi on some level, mind tricks were not my forte and I had to simply let go.

Then I wondered: why had I been holding on to all those letters and photos and poems etc anyway? Yes, part of it was lovely and sentimental.

But if I’m being Full On Honest with myself, the other part is because of the remnants of a poverty mentality around love. On some level, my holding on to these keepsakes was similar to the folks with financial poverty mindsets who hoard things, filling up a garage of items they never use in a poverty mindset because they are afraid they may never be able to afford to get another one should they need it someday. And things still sit there, never to be used.

It was like Chris Rock’s description of women’s “plutonic friends” being a – excuse my vulgarity – “Dick in a Glass Case.” Break in case of emergency. This was my Love in a Glass Case. Open, read, and maybe even call in case of a heart emergency.

I say “remnants” of a poverty mindset around love because I have proudly moved through the grittiest part of that at this point in my life (one of the COOLEST things ever about getting older!). I am very clear about who I am and what I want (at least a whole lot more clear than I’ve ever felt before!) and KNOW that I deserve every bit of it. That means I am much more willing to disappoint another in order to honor myself, and this is also more possible because I know there will be someone who will celebrate me and love me even as I fully honor myself: Myself. So, I have less of a need for Love in a Glass Case should an emergency arise.

It is indeed one thing to read through such letters and look over the photos and have internal sounds of “To All the Men I’ve Loved Before” going through my head. It is a whole other beast to toss things out. But I did.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things? Hell no!

OK…I admit…DID hold on to a handful of the cutest most intricate little gifts mostly because they seemed like art to me. At least that’s the bullshit excuse I gave myself. But I bet deep down it is because there is still the tiniest remnant of that poverty mentality left. And one day I am sure those final pieces of past loves will also leave my presence. In fact, I bet it will happen pretty soon. Like waiting one more month to bring that sweater you never wear to Goodwill.

The coolest part of this whole thing was finding a card from my current partner from over 12 years ago. We have finally arrived back into each others’ lives after many years – and many interim relationships. We met in Kathmandu when we were wee little ones (mid-20s). I recognized his writing on the back of a postcard and turning it over there was the old photo of an iconic Buddhist stupa he took me to on the back of his motorcycle in Bodhnath, Nepal. He had glued the photo to a thick piece of paper, sending it off to me as a postcard when I was in graduate school at UCSF. I held this in my hands for a long time, amazed at how a part of me always knew we’d end up together.

I stuck that postcard on the fridge for him to see when he came home. And I put a lot of other things from that box into the recycling bin, and others I burned ceremoniously. They deserved more than a landfill parting.

I sat there, quietly, happy that I was not feeling empty as a result of having let go. I felt more full, and at the same time, more spacious allowing love in the present to fill my cup.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Can I Trust You?

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~ Spencer Johnson

The ability to trust in all our relationships – not just intimate ones – allows us to take the risks necessary to grow. In addition, knowing how we decide someone is trustworthy is ultimately not so important for “protecting” ourselves, but rather, in a Ziji Up! kind of way, to also know:

Are YOU the type of person people can trust?

This often is about living with integrity.

People want to know where you stand, what you value, and if you act accordingly. It isn’t so much even WHAT those specific values are, or even about always knowing what is “right” or “wrong” (which, by the way, is often a futile effort).

Rather, whether someone trusts you or not is more about if YOU know what you value, if that somehow includes consideration of others, if you act consistently in the things that matter, and if you’re honest with yourself and others.

That is what builds trust.

For example, in romantic partnerships, trust isn’t only about fidelity, even though that is the way it is often used. In reality, whether or not your partner can trust you is also about wanting to know if you’ll consistently show up fully and authentically in the relationship in the context of the values you share:

*Can I trust that you’ll be home on time for dinner as you said you would?

*Can I trust you’ll keep supporting me in pursuing my passions in life?

*Can I trust you to bring home your share of the money to pay our bills?

*Can I trust that you’ll not spend us into debt?

*Can I trust that you’ll watch the kids the way I do?

*Can I trust that you’ll do the laundry and not ruin my shirts?

*Can I trust that you’ll be open to making love with me tonight?

*Can I trust that you’ll be honest with me?

It is about knowing, “Can I count on you?”

The greatest benefit to living with integrity is that ultimately this leads to you having more trust in YOURSELF.

And when you have more trust in yourself, your Ziji grows, you are more confident. You are proud of who you are and how you are in the world.

Then you will take more important risks. And you will stretch. And grow. And live full-on.

Take the rest of this month to observe how consistent you are in your actions. When you find an inconsistency, what can you learn from that?

Is it harder to stay consistent when you’re worrying about what others might think?
When you’re feeling insecure?
When you’re worried about disappointing someone?
When you feel you might not be liked by someone anymore?
When it is inconvenient?
__________________________________


One of my favorite poems about “showing up” is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (I know…woo woo name but awesome poem). I invite you to partake:



It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,”Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.