Days 110 to 113 Loving is Awesome and Scary

Last night I got home from an awesome biz conference in the gorgeous town of Asheville, North Carolina (there are fireflies! FIREFLIES! little tinkerbells!). I had an very cool time at our “Come As You Are In 2017” party. I pretended that my vest was of camel fur that I found in Mongolia, and that I worked 6 months a year and traveled and hung out with my family in epic places the rest of the time. Ooooh there is more. It was juicy.

Here’s a pic of some of us. To the left are some pretty incredible women entrepreneurs. To start is there is AudreyReynolds, epic travel consultant, of BeYourOwnTravel Hero.com. Then there’s post-partum botique doula, Devon Clement, of MamasBestFriend.com, (me of Anaverzone.com) and Lani Harmon – supah natural light photographer and inner radiance capturer of, duh, LaniHarmon.com. There were also women helping families with the challenge of autism, travel photography coaches, legacy story capturers, gluten-free mentors…on and on!

a few of us at the Come As You Are in 2017 party

The biggest lesson from that: many of us tried to think about what to wear or what we’d look like, but in the end, it was about how we were feeling in 2017, what we had accomplished, what we were creating, what we had learned...and, for me, how we had loved.

When my partner, Thai, opened the door after I arrived from the airport at 1am, I was soooooo happy to see him. Like, hugging and cuddling and holding-for-several-minutes-before-tearing-the-clothes-off kind of missing. And as we fell asleep, I found myself wanting to stay awake, just holding him and being held by him, reveling in being able to totally be present with experiencing my love for him.Wanting to stretch out the minutes into hours and days. I wanted to so KNOW this feeling inside and out, so that I may recognize it as it passed me by on the street, or to sense it in the air.

I played with opening my heart more and more. I felt this warmth overcome me. I had flashbacks of when we first met 12 years ago, his helping me open my first email account in Kathmandu (“anapurnas” my username;), the subsequent love letters sent over that email…the struggle to try to make it work, but the distance that made it so difficult. The 12 years between during which we were friends. And more recently, hearing him tell me as we fall asleep by rivers and mountains that sometimes he can’t believe he is finally with me, that’s it’s me next to him.

I am brought to tears as I can’t believe the same thing. He’s here. Right next to me. Let me feel this fully and deeply.

Thank fucking god he’s asleep, cuz this would look kinda weird, me all pretzled around him with wet eyes and wide awake staring at him.

Then I got scared. My heart wanted to close. The idea of loving someone so much was kind of freaky. I was full-on basking in love, but not full-on opening my heart.

I don’t even have kids…but the idea of loving another being so much is so powerful, and it created a pause.

I let myself imagine what it would be like, to love completely and with reckless abandon, mindful presence, and respect. There was a sappy movie called, “The Vow” on the flight home, and the one thing said in it that stood out the most to me was this phrase:

I promise to fiercely love you, in all your forms

Deep breath. Don’t we ALL deserve that?! And, we all MUST experience loving another in that way, whether it is our parents, or our children, or our partners. And then we need to extend it to ourselves. Ironically, perhaps we need to start with ourselves…

So the protecting, the pause…I’m OK with it for now. This is juicy, precious stuff. I AM juicy, precious stuff. And so are you. I choose to see this pause as a bow to myself, my sacredness.

I will love fully. This I know because, as Hafiz says below:

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a
Stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket
To protect you.

…and he has done this 🙂

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, mentor and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Freedom Junkie ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FullOn365.com Her new site and blog, Anaverzone.com, will be up to rock your world soon!

Days 106 to 109 – The Culture of Nasty

Yowza! What a full-on past few days! I had an awesome Jedi Juice training call on The Power of Choice (and the Freedom of Owning Your Shit!) with supah cool peeps, received my badass Co-Active Coaching Certification (yeah…not required but I’m a geek that way), launched the newest version of my Ziji Up Mastery Program that starts June 17th to my Jedi Juice Peeps (no worries – the early bird launch goes public next week!), and I am flying to beautiful Asheville, North Carolina as I write this in the Chicago United lounge. I’m going to spend a few days with my business coach, Christine Kane. She is always so cool to hang with. I can’t wait to get there and have a glass of wine at my fave French bistro…

In the meantime, holy crappers I couldn’t believe some of the rudeness that I saw on the plane today. A woman’s baby was crying and she was doing her best to try to calm her down, and someone says, “Hey ma’am, can’t you just give your kid a pacifier or something?” and people kept staring over their shoulders at her and sighing and giving her dirty looks like sitting there was SO MUCH HARDER than having to actually deal with your baby.

Here I am in Asheville heading out for a hike before my biz conference begins tomorrow. It’s gorgeous here!

LIKE THAT HELPS, people! And like she didn’t already think of a pacifier, douchebag! That’s almost as bad as a guy I saw ask a lady to give her one year old gum to chew on. Yeah. That would work. Because it would block her airway when she choked on it and then we could have an emergency landing. I guess she’d stop crying…WTF?

Then, everyone had the shades down as the movie was on. We got served drinks, and shortly after, everyone had to simul-pee. The seatbelt light goes off and then there’s a huge line of people. This older man starts tripping out, disoriented, thinking the plane has landed. He tries to get his bags. His wife is frantically trying to tell him he CAN’T get off the plane and people are staring and telling him to sit down and chill out all aggressive-like. So he starts freaking out, shaking and yelling. The wife starts to calm him down and its working. I can sense this because they are across the aisle from me.

Then the flight attendants come and say to his wife – in front of him – that if he doesn’t chill out they’ll have to HANDCUFF him. So he starts freaking out again! The wife is crying, saying how he used to be a professor and was so smart, and begging people to please be patient because his mind isn’t working right. That they have a grandson in Chicago and this is a big trip for him. How she just needs a few more minutes, then she can calm him down. And people are still pissed! He’s not even hitting anyone or swearing. At this point, he’s not even yelling.

I ask people (yes, nicely) to please open their shades (movie was over) so that he can see we are in a plane flying in the air. People are annoyed, but comply. His wife points out the window and he sees clouds. He has this look that’s like, “Ohhh! Ya mean we’re 30,000 freakin’ feet in the air! Why didn’t ya say so!” He starts calming down, and eventually they take their seats across from me. And people keep staring over their shoulders. Like that’s the thing a demented person needs – people staring at them confirming their paranoid thoughts. I grew up with a schizo-affective father (that means he had both schizophrenia and bipolar disorder) so I am a little more sensitive to these things;)

I mean for realz, where has our society gone? Do we all think WE aren’t going to get sick, get old, or get a little (or a lot) loopy; or do we really believe that WE never cried and pissed other people off when we were kids…I mean, it appears people have forgotten what it means to live in a society with babies, and old people, and people with mental illnesses, and crazy wild women like myself. I like to do yoga by the bathrooms – so what! I’m not bugging anyone, and I won’t be the one getting a blood clot either. So there.

I am so pissed at the disrespect I saw! (Can you tell?!).

Guess what. We are humans – even YOU! And we have to do this thing while on this planet called living in a body. And shit goes wrong with that body. When you’re tiny, your eustachian tubes get squeezed shut as air pressure changes and it feels like you’ve got a knife stabbing into your brain. You’d cry too. And probably whine while you’re at it.

When you get old, no matter how much fish oil you take or how much you exercise, or how much you meditate on white light and eat organic food, you too could get really sick – physically and/or mentally. And you will hope people are patient with you – and the family that is taking care of you.

So be nice, will ya? Don’t stare. Smile. Try to help. We’re all doing our best out here.

Since when did we have to be perfect to be public? As my friend, Lani Harmon, said, “It’s a culture of nasty.”

No thank you! Let’s gather our tribe and be über nice today to make up for the nasties, okay?

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 96 to 100 Happy Dance! What I’ve Learned After 100 Days of Living Full On

Yeehaw! It is hard to believe that I started this journey just over 100 days ago (I wrote this late last night which was technically Day 101;) Since coming back from the river over the long weekend, I’ve had some time to reflect on what I’ve learned so far on this year-long (and hopefully lifetime!) adventure.

I was on the Smith River Monday and Tuesday, and as I pulled into town after those awesome days on the water, I noticed several things: 1) I was undeniably tan. SO TAN compared to others here in the Pacific Northwest just coming out of the Winter/Spring transition. And despite my history of melanoma, it meant to me that I was playing outside, which made me happy;)

2) I also noticed that I was so relaxed the rest of the week, and that I was less easily irritated and much more patient and present…and freakin’ HAPPY!

I know this shot is cheesy, but I’m singin’ it anyway – 100 days, baby!!!!

Well, I did admittedly catch on fire a bit when someone had been snarky with a student midwife I was teaching. I got all motherly and protective! You should have seen it. I reared up for her like a mama moose;) This happened in the privacy of the two of us hanging out, of course (I have learned a bit of diplomacy over the years) – but I found it more entertaining than unsettling. I’m not kidding though – other than that incident, it was like even if I had WANTED to get pissy I couldn’t have. It was awesome! And this has been growing ever since I started this challenge.

It has been interesting observing my mind this week and reflecting on how things have changed since I started this challenge. Something would happen and I’d say, “Oh bummer. This is totally going to irritate me.” Then I’d wait for the reaction…and it wouldn’t come! I watched it happen a few more times and I thought, “Damn! This shit really works!”

What shit am I referring to?

  • self love
  • compassion
  • responding instead of reacting
  • observing the mind throughout the day (and sitting meditation)
  • taking care of my body – rest AND exercise…and I suppose lots of great sex doesn’t hurt either;)
  • honoring my values
  • surrounding myself with good friends and family
  • making decisions (even HUGE ones!) based on integrity with who I am and what my dreams are
  • building my confidence and courage to take the actions that move me forward towards my dreams
  • striving to be as present as possible with the people I interact with
  • being outdoors as much as possible
  • …and more

In short, all those things make up the definition of what Living Full On means for me. And when I do all those things, I am a happier, more joyous, more compassionate, patient,

Just for kicks I thought I’d toss in this photo of my Happy Mentor: my mom. Hee hee! She’s 77!

loving, and present person. So don’t think for a moment that living Full On is a selfish thing! When you live Full On, you bring light and love and joy to the world.

I think the last time I felt like this – energized, passionate, calm, present, happy, patient, loving, compassionate – so consistently was when I was a climbing guide and living out of my car. It was brilliant. And it IS brilliant to feel that again.

I confirmed what I knew to be true but had a hard time implementing and experiencing in a balanced and regular way while working full-time (and then some;) and living far from big mountains: that I CAN feel that way again. I can feel that way without having to be in the mountains every day of my life and doing scary shit and traveling to remote places. Yes, I WANT to keep doing those things – and WILL. But there is a peace that come from finding this SOURCE, this place to tap into wherever I am.

It doesn’t mean it is OK to ignore my values of being in the outdoors, or finding adventures, or feeling healthy and sexy and alive. It simply means that when I can’t get or do exactly what I want, I am learning how to still feed my soul, and how to do so in a balanced way.

I think the next chapter of this journey is going to involve learning more about balance…refining this dance of living Full On every day.

I’d love to hear about what you do to find balance in your life to give me some ideas for what’s coming up. Please let me know in the comments below. I’m sure others will love to read about it as well! So…

How do YOU balance your passions with other parts of your life?

Also, what does Living Full On mean for you?

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, mentor and Freedom Junkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Freedom Junkie ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FullOn365.com

Days 91 to 95 – Stop Comparing

I have spent the last few days camping at the Cal-Salmon River (yup, that’s in California;). Gorgeous! We came here because Thai is a great paddler and there was a river race of sorts. I hung out with a ton of Badasses. I am badass in my own way (and in case you are wondering, so are YOU!) but we were amongst serious badass water dogs. Having almost drowned twice as a child, a “water dog,” I am not. But I’m kind of a water puppy;)

I had a great time hanging with the peeps, especially my old college friend, Haven, who happened to be parked right next to us when we rolled into town (she had also just read a recent FullOn365.com post!). We hadn’t seen each other for over 15 years). Dozens of peeps played on the water (I even went down a river with a guy in a whitewater canoe!), howled at the moon (well, mostly I did that), and did a little ruckus-raising. No one got hurt during the Class V race, and all was groovy.

I enjoyed myself, even though I am not a good whitewater boater. Suffice it to say, the ability to do that has taken some time to cultivate.

I realized how far I’ve come with minimizing comparisons in my life, and it thrills me! They still happen, of course, but I have to say: I am feeling that all the work I’ve done around recognizing my own unique self-worth has paid off. A few years ago, I would have obsessed all day and night about how I might be able to be as good a kayaker as everyone else, or how I could appear more badass in their eyes…on and on…

It would have been exhausting.

Instead, when I had one of my classic comparison thoughts that goes something like, “(Sigh) my boyfriend probably would love me more if I was a better kayaker,” (I KNOW…we humans are such strange creatures to torture ourselves like that!!!), I quickly had the “antidote” thought and feeling that I LOVE being me, that I need to continue to love life on my terms, being authentic in who I am… Oh yeah, and that my partner loves me lots right NOW, thank you very much. And if he didn’t…oh well. Life is too short to pretend you are someone you’re not. WAY too short.

It’s also too short to be boxing yourself into a limited idea about who you THINK you are…but that’s another post.

All you’re doing when you’re being authentic is calling in the people who will lift you up, and creating space between you and the people who won’t celebrate you, and being relaxed in your BEING and in being fully present to each moment.

So, why do we bother with pretending, or wishing to be someone we’re not? Comparing ourselves to others, and essentially attracting people who won’t celebrate us?! We do it all the time…usually because we don’t don’t believe that we are enough – so we don’t think anyone would celebrate the authentic ME anyway, or that because we fall into old patterns of trying to please or impress.

I know at first it can seem hard to trust that you are completely lovable and amazing as you ALREADY are, and that there are people who would celebrate you as you are (and who likely do already). But you know what? That is the truth.

I went through some serious crap to figure that out (you can check out my bio for a few details about how). And if you’d like, you can choose to go through more crap yourself to figure out how awesome you truly are, right here and right now. OR you can try to trust me on this one, OK? Trust that I am not bullshitting you when I say, “You are more than enough.”

It was awesome letting go of comparing, and I was able to have such a better time! And I found that when you stop comparing, you can more fully celebrate others as well, which was supah fun to do around so many talented people.

Plus, I got to show off my badass manifesting skills for some balance. See, I am really good at manifesting, and my boyfriend is still somewhat confused by it, so I like to show him every now and then.

He had been checking out this rescue best they were raffling off. I said, “Let’s buy a few tickets and I’ll win it for you.” we bought three tickets. I said, “Remind me what it is we’re trying to win, again? A PFD or something?” “Rescue vest he says. So they call numbers, and I get momentarily bummed when our number isn’t called for one of the other prizes. But I remind myself that is simply because our number was going to be called for the vest.

So they get down to the vest, and they say “0-5-2” and I jump up psyched! Our number! The irony of the only chick who didn’t paddle there winning the grand prize of a high-tech rescue vest wasn’t lost on me. I quickly handed it to my boyfriend to avoid bitter vibes;)

Oh, and while I was on a roll at doing things imperfectly and having a great time, we visited our friend John in Arcata and I painted my first oil painting! That’s a pic of it above. Doing things imperfectly is fun;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 87 to 90 – Flipping the Kayak and Getting Connected

Living Full-On Every DaySo…some of you may be wondering what happened after the kayaking trip? I flipped the packraft while following Thai into a rapid, and spent the rest of the trip mildly hypothermic, slightly pissed at him for taking me on a “float” trip with rapids (one called Horseshoe Falls or something!?), but also knowing mostly I was only pissed because it was cold;) I’ve been in the hypothermic bad mood before, so I quickly applied the antidotes:

I immediately got into the car after getting out of my boat and wet clothes, blasted the heat, opened a beer, turned on the radio which happened to be on Madonna, and practiced my Jedi Mindtricks of reframing.

I felt disconnected again, and cold, but I decided that instead of focusing on what I didn’t want, I’d focus on what I didwant. So I looked at the photo Thai took of me right before we got into the river and how smiley and magical I was feeling. And I will admit to you that I blurted out, soon after that photo, “Hey…I need to feel more connected to you, and I need to hear you express your love a bit more right now.” So he told me in poetic Spanish (he’s Italian and Vietnamese, by the way) how he has loved me for 12 years, and always will, and that he loves me like no other. And that he will love me, as always, forever…and did that now count enough

My packrafting superhero look

that I didn’t have to worry about it ever again;)

Funny how a cold-water flip can wipe away a memory like that for a bit. So it is important to have these skills to tap into the positive things in our lives regularly!

So now I am back to feeling connected. Yay!

Other things: I dropped my mom off at the airport today. It was a lovely 4 day visit, which is the amount of time we can spend together and still fully

Here we are hanging out by the river…My 76 year old mama and me!

appreciate one another’s awesomeness. So, as of today, I still feel she is awesome;) We went to a bonfire one night, we watched Thai kayak and had a beautiful heart to heart by the river. Nature and stillness is a beautiful container for opening the heart.

After we settled in by the river and listened to the rapids, she asked me, “Ana, what did you think of how I raised you?”

Holy sh*t! Now THAT’s a rainbow! (along the Rogue River)

Hmmm. Trick question? I decided to be honest.

“Well, I know you always did the very best you could. I wish there had been less fighting, and hitting and yelling, but I am proud of who I am. And the most important thing you taught me was that I can do anything.”

Her response? “I know. I am sorry for doing those things. Back then I thought that’s how you got kids to listen to you. It’s how I was raised, and how a lot of people in my culture raised their kids. I’m sorry. I didn’t know then what I know now – that you can talk to your kids and explain things. So, I’m sorry.”

And she sat there all cute, by the river, and a red-tailed hawk flew overhead and I hugged her. I told her thank you for saying that to me.

Old dogs can learn new tricks. She is 76 (going on 77).

So, now I am reminded how hypothermia and getting older are not good excuses for staying in negative patterns…I LOVE getting rid of those 😉

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting Anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at Anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 83 to 86 Feeling Disconnected

Living Full-On Every DayMonday I danced in the warm rain. It felt so grounding to have raindrops landing on my face, feeling my body interact with the elements and with my surrounding environment. Being indoors (by that, I mean in a temperature-controlled house) felt stifling after I had spent so many of the last few days in Alaska sleeping outside, in a rustic cabin, yurt, or on a boat (where I was lulled to sleep as I felt the water make subtle shifts below me). Playing outside, I had been feeling the biting wind, the hot sun reflecting off the beautiful white snow, the cold ice running down my back and behind my bum when I flipped trying to make a tele turn on something slightly over my head. Here, indoors, I was feeling disconnected.

So I went outside as soon as I heard the first raindrops. I was going to just bring something to my car, when I head a bird fly overhead and looked up. I felt the first drop hit my face, and it was YUMMY! I put my things in the car and turned around to go back in the house and I paused at the first step on the walkway. I looked up again and felt more drops hit my skin. I was waking up! I took off my hoodie, and let myself take BIG deep breaths. The scent of fresh warm spring rain was intoxicating. I got soaked, and it came down even harder in a huge dump, and I laughed! Well, perhaps giggled is more appropriate of a descriptor, then guffaw.

I loved how something so simple could help me feel so connected and grounded again.

Recovering that feeling isn’t always so easy in relationships.

The past few days I have been feeling disconnected from my partner. We were both so busy, and we have only been able to catch 1-2 hours of awake time together this week. I missed him. And worse, I didn’t feel like he missed me. Even though he sends me cute texts and makes me dinner and we have yummy quickie sex because our morning schedules don’t permit anything else.

Of course, this is because I tend to catastrophize when I have too much coffee and because sometimes, I tend to convince myself that awesome things in my life are too good to be true (which, by the way, ultimately sabotages them – so watch out for that in your own life!). I even remember having this same feeling come up a few months ago, and it all ended up being nothing (this, of course, I discovered after putting myself through my own personal hell for a few hours).

I’ve learned that in recognizing habitual patterns and reactions, it is important to ask yourself, “What triggered this?” What emotion am I trying to soothe? Where did it come from?  What is the root cause (usually something having to do completely with your own shit)? What am I needing right now that I can give myself? It is important to know how to get your needs met without expecting someone else to do it for you. Friends and family and partners can help hold the space for you, but ultimately, you need to go there yourself.

Even with knowing that experiencing this feeling before was a drama of my own creation, I still REALLY want to have some deep conversation about my shitty feelings and what’s wrong and is there some god-awful truth I am not aware of and other such distracting questions. Is there something OUTSIDE of myself that I can’t control, or something so at my core that is so ME that is causing this, so that I can throw my hands up and give up and say, “Whew! I knew it! Glad I don’t have to work on being vulnerable and uncomfortable anymore. Bye!” Because while it is a whole lot more dramatic and exhausting, closing off the heart can seem a whole lot easier than staying open with your heart and being painfully and frighteningly vulnerable sometimes. Turning towards something can often feel harder than turning (or pushing) away.

So yes, that is why, in an I-am-completely-aware-this-is-an-upper-limit-problem kind of way, I still really want to have A TALK. But wait…

Is there a version of dancing in the rain that I can conjure up  in this scenario? I’d much prefer that. I find that when I can self-soothe when stressed or bummed out, that once I feel better, I have a healthier perspective, and if I STILL want to talk about something after that, I can do so in a much more productive and compassionate way.

Hmmm. What a clever idea.

So what grounds me and connects me to MY soul? Nature, adventure, being outside.

Today we are going to kayak. Well, he will kayak and I will be in the packraft (which I LOVE because I can plow through scary things more often than get flipped over). It might even rain on us while we’re out there. Sounds like a recipe for helping me feel connected.

Maybe the two of us, dancing on the water together in our boats, will do the trick;)

Stay tuned…

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting Anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 70 to 73 – Fall in Love With Yourself

Living Full-On Every DayI was beating myself up for multi-tasking today. Yesterday, I was in the middle of doing something with a dear friend when she told me her husband was just diagnosed with cancer. Now, I’ve had cancer twice, and I know how that affected my loved ones when they found out. And I was flat-out PISSED that I was having to finish this “thing” we were doing before I could be totally present with her. I was thinking, “WTF!? How can I keep having to do this without stopping and giving her a hug?!” It pained me.

Well, for starters, we were in a surgery, so yeah, I couldn’t hug her. But I put my forehead against hers and we waited until the end.

Then later I was checking email on my phone and my mom called so I answered and put her on speaker phone and kept checking my email and I thought, “Wait! This is your MOTHER! What if she dies tomorrow? And the last time you talk to her you were thinking about flight times?” (BTW in case you haven’t noticed, the thought of me or others dying doesn’t freak me out. It reminds me to “Wake The Fuck Up!”) Sorry for all the F-bombs;)

I have vowed to not multitask today. Not for the weekend – just for today. You see, I am addicted to getting shit done!

I was going to write more about this addiction of mine, when a recent email from a client popped up for some reason (OK Universe, I’m listening!), and it said, “Thank you…I am falling in love with myself again” (you know who you are – yay;). Then I opened another email from a FullOn365 reader that said, “I am focusing every day on my healing and letting go of the idea that I must be a mother at all costs. We are all spirits having a human experience and this is mine to have that with…I need to advance.”(you know who YOU are;) Yes. YES. YESSS!!!!!Then all these images came flooding in of the sistahs in my Ziji Up Mastery Program talking about how amazing it feels to start nurturing a sense of self-love again.

So I guess I’ll write about that, even though there is kind of no segue. There must be a reason, and you have to listen when it calls;) Maybe it means something particularly special for someone out there.

Here’s the take-home point ahead of time, in case you can’t read further:

We must all fall in love with ourselves (again).

As kids it was much more easy to love ourselves. Then we made a few mistakes because hey, we were like 5…then it became relatively easy to beat ourselves up. And as we got older it was easier to look at how messed up things have gotten and feel like we are broken. And it seemed to have happened so quickly, this falling out of love with ourselves.

YOU ARE NOT BROKEN.

100% of the time (yes, EVERY TIME) when a client tells me they feel they are broken, then they tell me the shit they’ve been through, I think, “Damn sistah! You’ve been through hell and back and here you are. If you were broken, you wouldn’t be here with me right here and right now. Welcome.”

Just because we make the same mistakes, just because we keep screwing up, just because bad shit keeps happening to us doesn’t mean we are broken. It means we are still having a lesson to learn. It means we need to do things differently. Maybe it means we need more support. It also means we are needing to fall in love with ourselves. So many of us can offer this love and compassion to others, yet leave the scraps for ourselves. All the above means a whole lot of things – but NOT that you are broken.

START LOVING YOURSELF – FIRST! It is the best thing you can do for others! I am not saying to be selfish (although many of you may have an inner voice that tells you loving yourself first is selfish, but that’s OK. Just hang with me here for a bit). I am talking basic facts – only through taking care of yourself can you take care of others.

You know on the airplane, how they tell you to put the mask on YOURSELF before YOUR CHILD?! It ain’t rocket science, baby. And did you know that many ailments in adulthood stem from events happening in-utero, with the little person developing in their mama and those mamas not eating well, or resting, or exercising, or avoiding stress (aka loving on themselves)? It’s true!

One of the basic philosophies that I was trained in (and believed in even before I went through my coaching program) is to view my clients as naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. This seemed natural to me, yet apparently it is not how most people view themselves or others…especially others asking for help.

YOU are naturally creative, resourceful, and whole. You kick ass. You are a badass waiting to be let out of your shell. A frickin’ puma in a cage. You are all of that, and MORE. So let yourself OUT and love yourself. And just so you don’t think I’m full of it it because I may not know you, check this out: WE ARE ALL THAT WAY. Even that ex you don’t think so highly of. Even your critical annoying sister. Even your angry father. We all just got off track in understanding what we truly needed to be happy and stopped loving on ourselves, and therefore on others (mean people always dislike themselves more than they ever dislike anyone else).

Do you know why we treat ourselves so poorly (we can be SO MEAN to ourselves! Listen to what these inner gremlins say!)? It is because deep down we KNOW we can do better. We KNOW we can make better choices. And we’re pissed that we don’t let ourselves out of the cage that we can – in an instant – open with one thought; that thought being, “I am worthy of love, and I am able.”

There’s more, “Not only that, but I am able because that is what I was born to do. I am magnificent because I was born to be nothing less. So now I am going to start living like it. Start showing up the way I was meant to.” And FIRST showing up for yourself in the way you need to

I say don’t just think you are enough. Know you are MORE than enough. And again, start with loving yourself.

When we decide to fall in love with ourselves again, it can be easy to start on the mental trip of going through all our regrets and trying to convince ourselves we are worthy of forgiveness.

Here’s the good news: Just start with treating yourself well. Rest when you’re tired. Play when you’re bored. Get a massage. Call in sick (but don’t get sick!) Take yourself out on a date. Hire a house cleaner. Get up early and meditate (as long as you’ve had enough sleep!). Go to bed by 9pm (gasp!). Have a  foot soak and watch a funny movie. Take a long weekend to climb that mountain you’ve been wanting to climb. You get the idea.

I’d love to hear what you do for self care – and therefore self love. Please share;)

Shizzle. I hope all that helped you feel a little love inside 😉

 

(PS: check out the Jedi Juice™ training call in May on making choices to help you be alignment with lovin’ on yourself;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

Days 61 to 65 – Full On Abnormal (the odd girl out)

Living Full-On Every DayIt has been a totally “normal” last few days for me. However, to most it seems quite abnormal. For example, in one day, I saw midwifery patients, had coaching clients, was the model for a magazine cover shot at sunset (I got to hike during it!), taught a super fun Ziji Up Mastery Program workshop in the evening, and then filmed a late-night video audition for an internet TV channel (no, not porn). Oh, and I also snuck in a yummy dinner and pinot noir wine flight at our local wine bar.

OK fine…that was kind of more busy than usual. But really, my days usually seem to be full of random things…and I LOVE IT! I also love how I love seemingly opposite things, and that I can have my cake and eat it too. I like that I can say, “I love this and that, even if it doesn’t make any sense to you.” Life is so much more fun that way.

Someone once asked me what kind of music I liked. I remember their amusement when I said, “Anything, as long as its good!” Made sense to me…

I love having days like the one I described above, where every moment is full-on. And I also love having days where the best and most full-on thing that happens to me is that when I am feeling overwhelmed and about to crumble a bit, I find a little love egg hidden by my partner (see a picture of the one I found two days ago above). And, despite my exhaustion, I can still feel his energy and passion and adoration fill me. And I cry a little but it feels good.

one of the LOVE eggs I found the other day

I had another day recently where I delivered 2 babies in 4 hours all before 5am – one a little teeny baby that was so tiny (duh…redundant), and she was miraculous and a little fighter and she did awesome – and I was so pooped but so happy! Then I designed a webpage for my audio and video files of my most recent Ziji workshop and had so much fun with everything I learned!

I do yoga and run, and also love sitting on my ass and watching movies. I drink wine and even take drags off my friends’ cigarettes when I am feeling particularly spunky and still do 3-week cleanses with no alcohol/sugar/processed foods/gluten etc. I love spending every moment of the day with my partner and also the stretches of days I have all to myself. I love my sweet home with a sauna and view on the hill, and yet I also love the simplicity of living out of my backpack and everything I own fitting into my car.

I love my fit body, and I also feel indebted to the lessons I learned from having cancer, and the person I have become as a result. I love getting stinky in the mountains and having battle scars of cuts and bruises from the climbs I’ve done, and I love shaving my legs and feeling them silky smooth. I love having bursts of energy (like when your puppy does sprinting laps around the house) that inspires me to dance naked in my kitchen (maybe with a wig on), and also I love surrendering to massages and long stretches of time staring off into space and watching the clouds or the stars so long that I see them move.

I love a lot of things, and sometimes that makes me a busy, whacky lady. But as long as I also take time to recover and rejuvenate and be present for the people in my life, it’s all good by me.

One day I caught one of my exes looking up symptoms on the computer trying to diagnose me. He concluded I had ADHD. I concluded it was high time for a divorce.

I am abnormal baby, and I freakin’ love it! In fact, I think I was born with an innate fear of being normal, or average, or (gasp!) bored.

I am meant to be extraordinary – and so are YOU!

So. Be. It.

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 57 to 60 – Besties

Living Full-On Every DayThis post will be in bullet points, because things are a bit full on to write a loquacious one. You see, today I’ve got to drive from San Francisco to Oregon, and tomorrow I’ve got several kick-ass Ziji client calls, then a photo shoot (for the cover or a local magazine! Yeehaw!) then a Ziji Up! Workshop in the eve, and finally, I’ll record a short video on confidence for a colleague’s uber popular website. Whew! So whaddya think…bullet points OK? One full-on event for each of the last few days

• Day 57 – created an awesome teleseminar for April on adapting to change. I can’t wait to get on the phone with more Ziji peeps and talk about skills for Jedi mind juju to get through times when it feels like you’re swimming rapids in life. PS: it’ll be free so can an eye out for details next month

• Day 58 – I honored my needs and didn’t go out late with friends, even though I really really wanted to. Instead, I went to an amazing workshop during the day, then had a lovely evening of tapas with my “lil’ sis” and fell asleep by 10pm after sending a mushy text to my man. It was a sahweet slumber;)

• Day 59 – drove to San Francisco and actually enjoyed the views of Mt. Shasta and the valleys and sunset along the way (instead of multi-tasking), and did a lot of catching up with people I hadn’t spoken to in awhile. And i also got more clear about the upcoming FullOn365.com logo (creating is so fun! Especially with people you dig;)

• Day 60 – had an amazing evening with two of my besties at Sol Food (amazing Puerto Rican cuisine) then hot tubbing under the stars, then champagne and chick flick. I slept sooooo well;)

Girlfriends kick ass.

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

Days 54 to 56 – Fragility and Resilience of the Human Condition

Me and Maria, a nurse’s aid, in the DR after the birth of this beautiful baby

Warning: this post will be sad and possibly considered graphic for some. But living Full On isn’t about always being stoked and easy to read. I have had 4 hours sleep total in three days. Lately I’ve been helping out the midwife group even more, as one of the midwives is on an extended maternity leave and another tore her rotator cuff. This means I am often Full On pooped when on call. But despite the fatigue, I wanted to share  briefly about living full on when you are tender inside.

The past few days have indeed had me living and experiencing fully. I had a deep appreciation of the fortune in my life and counted my innumerable blessings after being reminded of the deep suffering people can experience in this world – A family at the hospital had lost their child, only 24 hours old, from an accident. I can’t even imagine the heartache and the places their souls and minds must go after that.

Then I remembered my friend and fellow midwife, Joanne Jorissen Chiwaula. She founded the African Mothers Health Initiative in Malawi, and I had the utter joy and honor of going to graduate school with her. She described how they had shelves where they would put the babies that had died that day, which happened every day, and they wrapped them in bright African cloths. I had an image of those shelves with bright bundles representing social injustice and the human condition.

I remembered volunteering in the Dominican Republic and going in to catch a woman’s baby and next to the labor bed, on the cold cement floor in a cardboard box, was a stillborn baby just tossed in there. I cringed in horror, first thinking of this mother I was helping and that she might have to see that right before giving birth. I took my foot and gently pushed the box out of the way as she struggled onto the table, apologizing to the baby in there with my heart. I silently cried inside as I tried to stay present for my laboring mother and her baby.

Later, some friends in the chocolate industry in the D.R. sent a driver with a Mercedes to pick me up in the “bad” neighborhood I was in. That was awkward.

After making sure I didn’t feel scared where I was staying (I loved it! Salsa club just around the corner!), they asked about my day. When I told them my experience in the state hospital, they were in disbelief, even going so far as to say my observation of there being no running water in the hospital – at least on labor and delivery – was a “mistake.” One woman there was even a pediatrician, but she trained in the US and worked in a private hospital. They weren’t bad people. Just sheltered – and passively not facing – the realities of their country,

I told them gloves were a luxury, and I brought mine from the US (on advice) while he local staff washed the ones they had in bleach and hung them in the sun, where they broke down quickly and would tear as you put them on. I had to carry my gloves on my person in a hipsack, as they’d get stolen by the staff wanting to protect themselves from HIV and the other predominating communicable diseases there.

I had flashes of the stillborns I had delivered here in the US, because birth is a “miracle” for a reason – and there are lots of things can can go wrong simply because it can, and can’t be prevented. I remembered delicately handing the swaddled silent babies to their mothers and the thick silence and holiness of the air.

After knowing about this family’s loss recently, I was reminded of all these events in a montage of memory flashes. I became heavy when I thought about how so many people experience this so much more frequently in other countries. I remembered my mother casually telling me that in the Philippines (she’s a Filipina herself), they often say pregnancy is “one foot in the grave.” Dang!

This suffering happens all over the world. And people still get up, and make breakfast for their family, go to work, play with their other kids and laugh with them, and they watch the sunset…the resiliency of humans – and here I particularly bow down to the women of the world – is awe-inspiring.

I let my heart fill with compassion,felt the sadness fully, and let it move through me. I was filled with a conviction to not turn away from the suffering of others. I also vowed to not get pulled under by the suffering of others, because that doesn’t serve anyone either.

The human condition is so fragile, yet resilient and bold. Tonight I go to bed grateful for my life, my blessings, and my ability to change the world and make it a better place.

PS: One book that really opened my eyes further to the huge role of poverty in social injustice is Paul Farmer’s Pathologies of Power. Check it.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives and personal success with confidence, clarity, and passion. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.ZijiLife.com