Days 252 to 260 I Love My Life!

20121017-230009.jpg I love my life. I don’t even know where to start telling you about why. But what I do know is that there was a little bit of guilt when I started to write this:

“I love my life.”

There’s a small voice that says I shouldn’t write that when so many others are unhappy. Like I’m bragging. Or like I’m going to make others feel bad about their life.

But that’s not why I’m talking about how much I love my life. I’m talking about it first and foremost because I want you to know that it is indeed possible to be this happy. That happiness is not elusive, or some kind of Hollywood bullshit ideal that we need to let go of. I want you to know that you should not settle, because you may be missing out on the ultimate happiness.

I have indeed settled before. And settling is sometimes a stepping stone…a way to feel safe before you take the next leap. And sometimes it is simply what we do because we’re scared to want what we really want.

I’ve been married to a perfectly cool guy and had a pretty sweet life with some travel and adventure and a beautiful home on the hilltop. I had “nothing to complain about,” except for the fact that I had a nagging feeling that there was more.

Then I felt guilty for wanting more. Like, “Girl, you grew up in the ghetto and you’re complaining about this?!”

(Guilt sucks! I’m getting better at not giving it so much power…)

In any event, I made some pretty bold decisions once I realized I was settling – and I define “settling” based on MY terms. I was settling not based on what other people wanted, because many wanted exactly what I had. Instead, I realized that I was settling because MY definition of happiness wasn’t being met. I was an unusual cookie, and my life wasn’t in alignment with ME.

Here are some of the bold moves I took once I realized I wasn’t living life to the fullest:

– Years ago, when this realization first hit, I got a divorce when I realized my partner and I no longer helped each other grow. As time went on and my need for freedom grew:
– I quit my job
– I put my awesome house on the market
– I disappointed someone who really really loved me because I knew that this time around, I wanted to choose to be with someone with whom I had NO DOUBT that we would live lives of freedom, adventure, and purpose together…with ease
– Let me say that again: I chose things to be easy in my relationship. I had lots of opportunities to be happy with a man, but work really hard at it, or have to go through so much bullshit in order to get there. I decided that was not how I wanted to roll.
– I started my own business
– I decided to move to Alaska for the true love of my life
– I committed to living Full On for 365 days in a row (the idea that spawned this blog) after I had another cancer scare (I’d already had cancer twice before). I realized that I was settling once again and wasn’t even aware – even after my previous wake up calls. Settling can be sneaky…

I also set clear intentions for the type of relationship, lifestyle, community, and spiritual evolution that I wanted, and made a commitment to myself to not settle for anything less – AND I allowed myself to be happy even before those things manifested.

Settling does not mean being content. Settling is letting go of your dreams. You can be content with life and not be settling for what you currently have.

For example, I was single, and while I longed for my soul mate, I was able to be happy while not in a relationship. I actually believe I had to reach that state before the Universe brought us together. We had to show we were ready, because any truly kick-ass relationship doesn’t require the other to be the cause/source of your happiness. That’s too much freakin’ work and responsibility for anyone who has any big plans for themselves in life. A relationship is more like the cherry on top…your playmate and partner for this wild ride called Your Life.

I do want to emphasize that getting clear about what I wanted and committing to it was paramount in manifesting my life as I love it right now. If you need to get more clear yourself and find yourself saying, “I’m not even sure about what exactly it is that I want,” or “I know what I DON’T want, but am not sure about what’s next” (great place to start, by the way!), download my free eBook. Pronto.

In any event, I want to let you know that I was also scared…but in a good, about-to-drop-off-the-rollercoaster kind of way. I also had people tell me – very nicely – that I might be making a mistake. They asked me if I was sure I wanted to do such drastic things before I was “sure” all was going to be OK.

Folks, just like waiting until you’re ready before having a baby – you are never going to be “sure” that things are going to be OK through assessing external circumstances. Being OK – feeling content, confident, “Ziji” – is an inner state of mind.

I also had to let go of my specific ideas for what I wanted, like where I wanted to live, or my specific soulmate. I held them in my mind, but focused MORE on asking for a way I would FEEL and BE in a particular scenario like a relationship (then, of course, my specific soulmate arrived;).

I had to learn how to say, “No,” because saying “No” to some things meant I was saying, “Yes!” to others.

I did deep work, reaching out to friends, mentors, my coaches (yes, I have more than one!), and immersed myself in reading and movies and experiences that fully supported my mindset and my choices.

I surrendered.

I asked for help.

So, you might be wondering:

What was the result of those bold moves and deciding that I didn’t need to settle because I was capable of making myself happy without choosing security over freedom and following my bliss?

– I accepted my Renaissance Soul instead of listening to everyone who told me, “You need to focus!” and crafted a lifestyle where I am a Life Coach, Guide, and Mentor to women all over the world; a Nurse-Midwife working in three different states; a Family Nurse Practitioner who works in remote villages and volunteers in refugee camps (I’m on a flight to Entebbe, Uganda as I write this); and an avid blogger who loves to inspire others.
– I am engaged to my soul mate (we met 12 years ago!), who proposed to me as we watched the Northern Lights dancing above us…We were lounging on the sailboat we have dry-docked on our land, surrounded by friends at our yurt as we celebrated our departure to Africa.
– I am taking prenatal vitamins with an actual intention to get pregnant instead of for fabulous hair and nails
– I live a rich lifestyle without the burden of needing “stuff” to feel abundant
– I am amply rewarded – financially and spiritually – for the work I do in all my multi-passionate jobs
– I am surrounded by a tribe of friends that also love to dance, play music, and howl at the moon
– I took five months off this year and still can afford the mortgages on my home in Oregon and my ski condo in Telluride, as well as sushi and wine and those other luxuries I adore;)
– I have a deepening relationship with my mother as I learn more and more how to let go, forgive, and trust – all of which is reinforced as I live from my heart

I am sure there is more, but that is what I wake up feeling gratitude for each day.

I write this for YOU, that you may be inspired to manifest your dreams, and actively create a life lived YOUR way. That you can say, “I know about this chick who grew up in the ghetto. She wasn’t rich or Caucasian or privileged, and she still manifested all the shizzle in life that she wanted. And she was whacky and didn’t play by the rules. She said, ‘No,’ and disappointed others and thought WAY out of the box. She didn’t always do what was safe. She took big risks and was scared, but took risks anyway. Everyone, especially her mother, thought she was crazy.”

And this I say to you:

This mean YOU CAN TOO!

Days 236 to 252 The Freedom of Realizing You Are Not “Wounded”

Full On 365It has been longer than usual since my last entry, and most of that is because my mom came all the way up to Alaska and slept in a red shack and smiled the whole time – and I owed her my full attention;)

During this time, I have been in awe at how much my relationship with my mom has changed – and how much she herself has changed.

You see, I had a lot of anger about my childhood for many years. I was uber-pissed, and for objectively good reasons. I won’t go into details, but you can imagine the myriad reasons people feel wounded and broken. However, in the end, I knew that deep down, despite their mistakes, my parents were indeed doing the best they could in the moment with what they had available to them.

So, as an adult, I had a choice to make:

1) I could keep reminding myself and my mom that things really sucked growing up and about how much she hurt me, and that I was all sensitive and defensive because of her, and that she really screwed up royally with some things. Then she’d apologize and feel shitty about herself and I’d feel guilty and all upset after re-hashing all that crap. And we’d do this over and over, as I strived to get back at her for hurting me the way she did through guilt-trips and passive aggressive behavior and not-so-passive aggressive behavior…

OR – I could stop thinking that I was deeply wounded and broken, wanting to make those feelings go away until I allowed myself to move forward...Wanting to “understand” everything and have it make sense – and have everyone understand and agree that I was wounded – before I allowed myself to be happy. I could stop that and instead…

2) Say, “Well, that sucked. Royally. But now it’s time to create my new life.”

Needless to say, after years of #1 and hanging out in therapy wondering why I was still having panic attacks, I decided to try #2. And it kicks ass.

I can’t describe the shift that happened when I stopped thinking that in order to heal, I had to wallow in the past until some magical moment when things would feel right.

I realized that insight and understanding don’t fix everything. They feel good, sure. They’re useful, sure. But what created real shift for me was changing what I DID. How I thought, how I responded, the situations I created.

It was ACTION that allowed me to grow and change…and ultimately, heal.

It was ACTION that allowed me to see myself as whole, and perfectly resourceful and creative. That I was indeed perfect as I was. Not broken. Not wounded to the core. Not in need of more therapy or days of crying to feel seen.

Action, baby.

Of course, I found therapy helpful for some things, especially learning how to notice what I was feeling, and being able to share my story with someone who wasn’t going to try to explain it away or justify things. It helped me make sense of certain memories and I felt incredibly safe sharing deeply with someone that seemed “qualified” for me to lose my shit in front of. At that time, I had very real fears of losing my mind.

But in hindsight, which is always lovely, I realize that maybe I just needed one round of that. Then I needed to get off my ass and do things differently.

I needed to create a different relationship with my mom, or walk away. The latter wasn’t an option for me, because I love her deeply.

I asked her for what I needed to hear in order to be able to forgive her. I asked that she reflect on it and come back to me if and when she felt she could say it with full sincerity. She did. And I tried letting go then and there. It was awesome!

Of course, I still get my buttons pushed and some tender spots are still there, but I realized that I could simply DECIDE to move forward!

Brilliant!

It took patience (on both our parts), and I fell into some old patterns a lot in the beginning, but I was committed to doing things differently.

Now, instead of feeling the need to hear my mom apologize every time we hang out, or to want to process something with her, we get to enjoy each other. I allowed her to do things differently. And she allowed me the same.

We allowed ourselves to grow, to change, to EVOLVE.

We are having our best years together yet, and I know it will just keep getting better.

Life is too short to be perpetually wounded or to believe you are broken. It is impossible for those to be true.

Create space and say what you need to say, feel heard by a good counselor or coach or therapist or mentor. If you feel deep emotional wounds that manifest as severe depression or other serious mood disorders, address that with a qualified therapist. But remember:

You are not broken. You may hurt – deeply – but you are not broken.

You were wounded in the past. True. Stop picking at the scabs.

Move forward. Do things differently.

Be patient.

Be compassionate – with yourself.

You. Are. Enlightened.

I bow to you. For realz.

(If you’d like to read another post about changing mindsets that are tough to change, click here)

Are you interested in taking this to a deeper level? Keep an eye out for my 2013 Freedom Sessions Mastermind. We will spend 6 months as an intimate tribe, working with our minds and inner beings methodically and metaphysically, learning what our old stories are, skills to unravel, debunk, and oust unhealthy thought patterns and beliefs, and rewriting our new life stories – making change more permanent and lasting. This helps us effectively creating the lives we desire – finally! – and we’ll be having FUN while we’re at it;) Contact me here if you’d like to learn more. It will be juicy!

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

Days 236 to 241 Slowing Down And Reconnecting With My Dad’s Spirit

Full On 365I like my hands now. I didn’t always used to. They were never long and dainty like the models’ hands that I saw in dishsoap ads growing up. They weren’t sinewy and powerful like the climber chicks’ I spent years hanging out with, either. They were…hands.  Didn’t hide ‘em. Didn’t flash ‘em. Didn’t think they looked really cool with rings on.

Once, I got a manicure and I thought they looked pretty cool, but I was 11, and even then I knew that I wasn’t going to be spending my time getting manicures. Mind you, there is nothing wrong with manicures. But with the things I do every day, a manicure would get messed up pretty quickly.

In any event, during the last few weeks, I’ve been noticing I catch a look at my hands and I think of one thing, and one thing only – my dad.

I really see my dad – who died at the age of 83 in the year 2003 – when I gaze at my hands. My mom used to comment on how she was glad I got his hands. She liked how they weren’t bony, or too rough. He played the acordion and the harmonica. His hands were musical. He wasn’t much of a handyman, but he could hug. Big time.

I’ve been spending the last 3 weeks on the Island of St. Paul in the Pribilofs, a remote archipelago in the Bering Sea off the coast of Alaska. I usually scatter some of his ashes when I go someplace cool – someplace where I think he would have liked to have gone with me. He was an older dad and so by the time I had discovered the outdoors, his mobility was decreased by age and cardiovascular disease (or shall I say, 60 years of smoking?) and he couldn’t come with me on many adventures that I would have liked to have brought him on. But I forgot his ashes this time.

Perhaps that I why I finally saw him so vividly in my own body. I had a need to share all this with him on a physical level, and it wasn’t until now – at 39 years old – that I saw how much of him was a part of me. I suppose 50%, to be exact. But I didn’t get it until now.

I smile deeply as I watch the fur seals at their rookeries on St. Paul and think of how he used to marvel at even starfish, gazing at them and running his fingers along their legs.

When I pause to watch the wind waves that form in the tall grasses as they are blown in every which direction, I recall how he used to ask me to pause when I pushed his wheelchair under a grove of old growths in MuirWoods and say, as he gazed up at the suns rays peeping through the branches and took hold of my hand, “This…this is my cathedral.”

As I hang out in the clinic laughing boisterously with my patients in the waiting room, people wondering why I was hanging out there and not in my office, and chatting with teenage girls about their sex lives (in private!) and asking them questions that bring a look of shock to their faces, I remember my dad pretending to be a squirrel in a park once, looking really stupid but making me laugh so hard. He didn’t care what people thought. He just wanted ME to be happy. And that taught me a big lesson early on in the importance of not caring about what people thought of you if it meant compromising your values. That gave me courage to do things that may seem inappropriate or uncomfortable for the greater good.

Living Full On these past few weeks has been a lot about slowing down, breathing, paying attention – to my heart, my head/thoughts, my body, my friends, my partner…the guides that exist in all forms around me.

I’m glad I slowed down enough to look at my hands long enough to recognize my dad in them. I wonder what else I’ve been missing?

Have you noticed anything lately from slowing down? If you’ve been going going going, what do you think you might be glancing over without knowing?

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting anaverzone.com

Living As If Someone Is Watching (like your boyfriend’s friends)- The Value of Integrity

Days 224 to 235 – Living As If Someone Is Watching (like your boyfriends friends)- The Value of Integrity

Men are watching me. You see, I interviewed a lot of men because I’m teaching this relationship workshop in October, AND I have a free Jedi Juice call on maintaining your moxie with a man next week (Tuesday to be exact). I wanted both of these things to be uber-valuable, so I put together all the relationship books I’ve read, research, coaching pearls, and my interviews with oddles of men into a badass place at Freedom Junkie.

But now all these guys know about it because I’ve interviewed them or their friends. Including my boyfriend.

And they are saying to me they are really excited about it, because when I talk about what I teach, it is right on (of course! my peeps deserve right on!). Including my boyfriend. They want women to know these things (and to be fair, they admit they needed to learn some of the things too;).

So, as the Universe would have it, of course these last two weeks have been more challenging dealing with my shizzle. And I swear “they” are watching how I deal with it.

They listen to me express my vulnerabilities, either through listening directly (one amigo is visiting us out here in the Pribilofs), or maybe if Thai talks about it, or maybe if a girlfriend I talk to talks about it to her boyfriend who is Thai’s friend.

Of course, the degree to which that is actually happening is likely an exaggerated story too. Men actually don’t talk about that type of stuff that much to each other. But still, it affects how I feel and act. And they are genuinely curious as to if this shit actually works.

My classic vulnerability that you’ve heard a lot here is, “Right now I am not feeling very special in this relationship.” Which stems from comparisons and making up stories about my past and my boyfriend’s past etc. It’s exhausting when it happens – but over time leaves faster and faster after it visits. Thank goddess.

So now I am called forth to walk the talk even more. I thought I did that already most of the time (I think it is fairly impossible to do it all the time), but now I am feeling it even more because (gulp) people are watching what I teach!

It feels like pressure in some moments, but it is really a gift. I think it is one of the biggest gifts that coaching has given me – an even stronger desire to act in integrity.

It’s one thing to claim ignorance and make mistakes and say, “Oops!” It’s a little different when you know how to avoid it and do it anyway. Both, however, still warrant compassion (from others and ourselves).

In any event, the other day, I expressed my completely irrational vulnerability, owned it, stated I knew it was a story and that I had to get over it, but in the meantime, I needed more patience because it was going to take a bit more time. Our amigo heard it too. Then the two of them when on a hike and I thought for sure they’d decide I was a crazy woman by the time they got back. But they returned from the hike and my boyfriend said how he loved me even more than before he left, and our amigo asked me more details about what I was teaching and was genuinely interested. So I guess they didn’t think I was a freak for having had an irrational moment.

See – it’s not that others don’t want you to be perfect or not have irrational feelings. They mostly just don’t want you to blame them for it;)

Each time this B.S of not feeling like a special partner comes up, I don’t necessarily feel it less. Sometimes I feel it with a fury and it pisses me off that I still feel it that strongly. And sometimes it is indeed a softer experience. But ya know what? I get better at dealing with it. Each time, I can separate my story from the facts more quickly, which helps me get over it more fully since I can see the role I had in creating the problem to begin with. I can step back. I can observe.

Hell, I even crack myself up with my shizzle a lot of the time!

I also learn to meet my needs and wants more (and knowing the difference). When I feel it, I ask, ” What is this emotion trying to teach me about what I need/want more of right now?” Do I need to have more hugs today? More sex? A nice dinner cooked for me? Do I need to cry and still be loved fully so I feel safe? Then I ask for it. I try not to complain. I make a request.

Full On 365And, I remind myself I have all I need in myself to meet those needs if I’m not getting much help otherwise. Which releases those around me from a huge responsibility.

I think that other than learning how to re-write bullshit stories into new and more awesome ones (and watching the newer stories unfold), learning to love myself and feel inner radiant confidence in myself (ziji!) has been the other great lessons on this path. Combined, they truly do lead to more freedom – and FUN!

So go ahead and be imperfect. Just don’t blame others for feeling like shit. Whether people are watching or not, act so you can be proud in how you show up and respond (and if they are watching, show them exactly how badass you are;)

(In terms of other full-on activities for the week, check out this windstorm video …and that pick above is of an awesome beach with tons of seal on a gorgeous day in the Pribilofs 😉

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

Days 200 to 213 Loving Getting Older

the motley crew on Tustumena Glacier

This has been my birthday month, and I have just turned 39 awesome years old! For the 5 weeks after my birthday and before my boyfriend’s, it appears I am robbing the cradle – or maybe just borrowing from the cradle – when he says he is 37, which sounds like 2 years younger, hee hee;) I quite revel in it.

It has been important to me to spend my birthday in the mountains. I have been in the mountains in one way or another every August since I was 18. However, last year, when I went to the Palisades in the Sierra Nevada and my bestie, Kristen Cates, and I frolicked in alpine lakes and scrambled up glaciers wearing Chacos sandals, I realized I fill my cup most when I am with my girlfriends in the big mountains. Suffice it to say, Kristen graced me with her presence by flying to Alaska for a couple of weeks. It was awesome!

After she left (and after our adventures of sailing, hiking, crossing cable bridges over rivers, yoga in the forest, etc) my friends Monty, Ole, and my boyfriend Thai and I went to the Tustumena Glacier and explored this area on the Kenai Peninsula, accessing the infamous Harding Icefield and making out way to Truuli Glacier. It was epic! We took an armada of boats to a seasonal island (otherwise an isthmus) in Tustamena Lake where 10 of us hung out together for the eve. We grilled halibut on the top of the wood burning stove and played music late into the night…and the cabin was a surprise! An uber- nice blessing for sure.

Only two of the boats were “sea worthy” enough to make it through the rough waters of the rest of the lake traverse the next day (I think the lake is near 25 miles long!). This left 8 of us at the base of the Tustumena Glacier, where we cooked moose meat loaf (!!!) over a fire, and had other amazing meals as well. Yes, we had more than one meal in less than 6 hours. It was awesome. In fact, we may have had three meals.

The next day, our friends Don, Burt, Shane, and his son, Simon, dropped us off at the mouth of Tustumena Creek, and we hiked up to the base of the glacier. It was gorgeous! But seemingly impassable. Steep rock walls lined the sides of the glacier, and at the base was its terminal lake and steep ice fins and ice walls, with the lake filled with icebergs and silty slush.

Well, I lied. We did have the option of bushwhacking at least a mile, through the usual Alaskan up-and-down terrain, which takes hours in the thick alder. We were up for it…but mañana.

But wait! Thai says, “OR, I can get energized and run back to basecamp and get the packrafts and we can paddle around and find a way to get onto the glacier. Maybe.”

That sounded way better! For us at least. What took us 4 hours one way took Thai 2.5 hours round trip. He ran most of the way, and slept well that night. (The pic of the lake at the base of the glacier is above).

A bit of perspective on paddling around icebergs in the terminal lake

The next morning, we loaded two to a packraft and explored, finding one finger of morraine at which we thought we could safely dismount the packrafts and get onto the glacier. It worked! Shuttling the gear took another 2 hours, then we were off towards the Harding Icefield and Truuli Peak. The packrafts saved us hours. Love them! And Thai;)

I’ll keep the story short: it was freakin’ gorgeous! We had epically good weather (rained once and we were asleep most of the time), and the views were utterly spectacular. Truuli looks stout. We would definitely need better alpine gear as we were only prepared for a snow-slope or moderate ridge options, of which there were neither. Two of us had Kahtoola microspikes which were THE gear of choice for this trip. The others had less-than-ideal crampons and we all agreed the Kahtoolas rocked for glacier travel and even some moderate slopes for experiences peeps.

We ate like divas (sorry guys) and had warm soups for lunch, and scrumptious dinners, and even an Asian coconut custard birthday cake for Ole. That’s a long story.

On the way out the boys did a little sheep hunting. Sited six, but they were too small. I was somewhat thrilled about that. I scattered my dad’s ashes in the most surreal of places, spots where lush alpine tundra meets views of the stark and dramatic Harding Icefield, and another where two glorious glaciers parted like a frozen sea past the rock outcrop we were camped on, above an ephemeral lake jumbled with blocks of ice, like the eddy of the glacier if ice could indeed swirl in geologic slow-motion.

There’s more, but this is my “Full On 365” blog, and not an Outdoor Magazine article, so I’ll save more juiciness for another time.

Suffice it to say: it rocked my world. The whole month. All the people in my life. My boyfriend. My mom. My friends. My family. My self.

Indeed, myself. I am glad – and even a bit proud – to know I am still adventuring, and also still growing spiritually. Life is amazing. I truly love my life.

During this month, I have to admit I did notice that I wasn’t 24 anymore. And not all of that is bad.

Here’s what I notice is different now that I am 39 years old that is a little inconvenient:

  • I seem to need more sleep. I used to feel “fine” after 5-6 hours now and then. Perhaps what it really means is I expect more out of how I show up in the world, and that requires a cup that is more full
  • I need to stretch and do yoga. Before it just felt good and I thought of it as a great part of my workout. Now I neeeeeed it.
  • Slower metabolism.
  • Coffee gives me worse panic attacks than ever. I am learning to love tea more and more.
  • I have to hear, “OMG you SO don’t look 39! You look, like, 32 at the most!” all the time. As if I was supposed to be haggard at 39. As if the possibility of someone being youthful in their late 30s is such a shock to a 20-something who you also have to talk to all night and keep hearing, “I can’t believe you’ve done so much! Oh, I keep forgetting you’re SO MUCH older than me!” Funny thing is I used to do (kinda) the same thing. Karma’s a bitch. I know, I know…if I really had my shit together I’d see all that as true compliments. But its rather like saying to someone, “Oh! You’re still skinny! You’re supposed to be fat by now.”

Things I like about getting older that are freakin’ awesome:

  • I like to read before bed
  • I have a growing acceptance of doing nothing and feeling good about it
  • I am less controlled by a need to impress others
  • Sex keeps getting better. Who EVER knew!!!! Yay!
  • I am happier
  • I have more skills with which to help others
  • I am still sexy and pretty and am growing into my womanhood more and more, with grace
  • I am more in love than I have ever been. Ever.
  • I trust the Universe
  • I am a better person
  • My body’s new “needs” keep me aware of how I treat it, and I take care of it better and better
  • My friends are still around, and still love me and celebrate me – and they know me even better!
  • I have a better understanding of my shit and how to deal with it
  • I have a better understanding that we all have our shit, and how to help others deal with theirs
  • …and more
Thai started building this woodshed while I wrote this blogpost. No shit. In like, minutes.

If you ever fear getting older, don’t. Take care of your body, your soul and your mind. Show up in the world with integrity and compassion. Do the right thing. Have fun! It gets better. For realz!

BTW to the left is a photo of what my boyfriend did while I wrote this blog post. Men are awesome;)

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

Days 190 to 199 Full On Hormonal Plus An Embarrassing Story

this is us with the cabin behind…after I realized i was being silly;)

Arrrgh!!!! I am going to share an embarrassing story.

To make the history of this embarrassing story short, I’ll let you know in brief that my partner and I are madly in love, I am utterly at peace and feel safe with him, we have crazy adventures, laugh hysterically, meditate, do yoga together, build things, communicate like adults with respect and depth, and are uber-committed. And it took 12 years for us to finally be together. This means that in those 12 years, he dated other people. And so did I. But the important thing is that he did;) At least for this story.

When you don’t marry your high school sweetheart, you have to realize they have done lots of cool shit with lots of other women that, and yes, this is redundant – weren’t you. At least if they’re a cool guy.

For those of you following my posts, you know that in only the past 10 months, my man and I have been to something like 7 countries and 12 states. So, imagine if you will, what he did with OTHER women during 12 years. Holy shit, right?

Many times each day, I hear a story about an adventure he’s had. I stopped asking with whom because I noticed that when it was with an ex of his, this totally irrational jealousy rose up. Not towards whatever ex it was per se, but more like a sadness that we didn’t get to share it together. Then I feel this kind of shittiness that sucks. I suppose there probably isn’t a type of shittiness that doesn’t suck, but that’s beside the point. It’s a shittiness about feeling shitty about it in the first place. And a shittiness wondering why it wasn’t me.

There are VERY logical answers to why it wasn’t me. I’ll spare you the many details, but one was because, oh…I was married. But anyway, I could have been married to HIM right?! I know. It’s dumb. But bear with me.

So, we are in the Alaskan backcountry, and he has been in the Alaskan backcountry with his girlfriends who didn’t even live in the freakin’ US like – everywhere you can see when you stand around and look at Alaska. Seriously. Like even little teeny islands in Alaska, in the middle of nowhere. He gets shit done and gets his women out there.

this is the bridge!

We arrived at a cabin very special to him. And no, I wasn’t the first girlfriend there. But whatever. I let go of it. Then he says, “I’ve never crossed that cable bridge. Let’s do it later.” And I’m like, “Holy shit! Something he hasn’t done! With ANYONE else! Yay yay yay!

I am disproportionately excited for this cable crossing.

So another friend arrives and he says he is going to orient him to the area and make sure the cable bridge is up. I go and read a book about finding your true destiny.

I read a long fucking time. Like an hour.

I go to see what’s up and guess what? He crossed the fucking bridge with our friend to see if it was worth it! They decided it was.

I was livid. Inside. I even did a Seinfeld’s Elaine, “Get out!” kind of shove. Then he says he’s sorry, that he’s still doing it with me the first time and I’m like, “NO YOU’RE NOT! THAT’S THE WHOLE FREAKIN’ POINT!”

And to boot – the other side? A fucking waterfall with a rope swing. No shit (photo above). We could have discovered it together and he could have pushed me on it as we gasped in awe when we stumbled upon it and my hair would wave in the breeze and I cold swim in the waters all Paradise Found-like. But no. He saw it with Scott.

Rather anticlimactic when you’ve freakin’ already seen it!!!!

Poor guy. He couldn’t have known that crossing that bridge meant more to me than just crossing that bridge. He couldn’t have known that I felt like something was taken from me.

I say things like, “I hear all day where you went with so and so, and how cool your trip with so and so was, and how epically beautiful that place was you went to with so and so, and everywhere we go you’ve been with some so and so or another and I just wanted one freakin’ thing to do with you that you hadn’t done before! Is that too much to ask?” LOL the problem is I never asked;) Plus I forgot we went to West Africa last year together.

WTF, right?! I then wonder why I am so deeply affected by this. I almost want to cry! I know it’s insane to have this reaction. But I let myself feel it, and I go to hole myself away in the cabin, taking deep breaths, until I feel it move through me and have its completion.

I got my period the next day, so now of course it makes perfect sense, but in the moment, I thought I was really losing my shit.

Now that I have a little more of a “realistic” perspective I can ask myself, “Ana, dear, what the hell was that?” Hormonal or not, there was a seed of something there.

What it is, dear Ana, is that I forgot everything happens for a reason. I forgot to surrender to the all-knowing perfection that is greater than myself.

Then I remind myself that he had all those other relationships so he could show up for me the man he is now. All those truly amazing women helped him grow into the absolutely incredible man he is now, and for that I am eternally grateful. And I got to be his friend through all those growing pains, being there for him as a friend, but not being hurt. And now we are together. And he didn’t think I was crazy after all that cable bridge nonsense. He never raised his voice or told me I was being hormonal or that I was being ridiculous. He just held me and said how much he loved me and that we are going to have many adventures together, including making a family.

I know…he’s awesome, right?!

The point is, when I focus on the present, when I take in ONLY what is happening now and not making up stories about the past or fears about the future, it is all perfect.

So will ya do me a favor? When you start getting distracted from the blessings and the perfection and happiness that is right in front of you, in the now – your partner asleep next to you, the sound of rain gently falling on your roof, the way your dog greets you at the door, the way your cat warms your lap, the way your mom or dad are still around to say “I love you” – when you get distracted from that because you’re trying to make sense of the past, or prevent shit from hitting the fan in the future, will you PLEASE just cut it out and enjoy your life? Just for those few present moments? It would make me so happy. And you too.

Days 183 to 189 Full On Family – An Ode to Nana Verzone

Nana’s Antipasti

I thought I could dance. At least freestyle. But then I met my boyfriend’s almost 90-year-old grandma (aka Nana). We went to a wedding in

Her homemade ravioli

Vermont, and it was also a good reason for me to meet Nana since she wanted to suss me out after learning that Thai and I were “serious.” She was supposed to have died over a month ago, according to her doctors. They told her 8 months ago that she had 6 months to live due to a weakening heart valve and her poor candidacy for surgery. But, as she puts it, she showed up at her doctor’s office and said, “I’m still here!” Thank goodness for that!

Suffice it to say, she wasn’t supposed to be gardening or cooking. And she does both. Her garden is prolific with freshly picked flowers adorning the house. She cooks multi-course meals despite protestations with full Italian flair. And I mean homemade raviolis. Gluten shmuten – I had 3 servings.

Nana certainly isn’t supposed to dance. She has passed out a few times gardening (albeit that was before a few med adjustments). However, after watching Thai and I swirling on the dance floor at the wedding, she asked for me. I walked up to her, curious as to what she wanted and wondering if maybe my underwear was showing when Thai spun me around. To my delight, she came out on the dance floor and we danced and danced. She even swirled! (see video here – if the link isn’t active, come back as that means it is still uploading). After a bit of feistiness, she stopped and said she needed to stop. She was feeling

Thai and Nana after she almost passed out. Still table dancing!

faint.

Oh shit. I refused to be a partner in crime for Nana’s last dance. Not on my watch! With an eagle’s eye I tried to act nonchalant, noticing how she was

Homemade cannoli!

still smiling as she sat down. She was breathing hard. She was a little concerned in the brow…but then she started laughing. We all started laughing. See, it takes chi to laugh, and she still had lots of it.

Thank freakin’ God.

I thought about it later, how she had been told what not to do to stay alive longer. And how all these things – cooking, gardening, dancing – brought her such joy. I thought about what I could only imagine her thought process was – “Hmmm. That dancing sure looks fun. I really want to dance. I probably shouldn’t. But I really want to dance. And this wine feels good! Oh what the hell. Why not!? Just for a little bit.”

Would it have been worth it for her? I don’t know. I think maybe it would have been worth it, to be honest. For her, at least. To not stop living just to live. She wasn’t dumb about it. She just lived at her edge.

What’s your edge? What do you do to keep feeling alive? What do you do for pure FUN? Share below with the tribe – let’s LIVE!

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and Freedom Junkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Freedom Junkie™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

Days 178 to 183 Full-On Recommitting

I spent the past week getting things settled in the yurt, helping Thai build the bath house, potting pretty flowers, cooking for friends; doing yoga in the summer Alaskan sun and for some reason, nesting. I had no desire to hit the rivers or do anything more ambitious than an evening hike. Something in me – in both Thai and myself, actually – wanted to spend time in this lovely home we are building together.

No, I’m not pregnant.

Then I flew out to spend the last 4 days with badass entrepreneurial women at the W Hotel in Atlanta. We masterminded from morning till late at night, and I came up with new programs and high-level packages, I got massages and facials and – yes- even waxed. I need to tell you about that one in another post…yowza! Click here for a kick-ass video of me flying out of Alaska to Atlanta – epic mountain beauty!

In any event, the contrast in my life keeps me wildly entertained. I loved that I went from heating water to wash my face in the mornings over a double-burner Coleman stove to eating lusciously rich brownies and sipping orange cucumber water in a spa that smelled impossibly divine. And I loved both.

I wonder what wild lifestyles we’d see if more people gave themselves permission to not be put into a box, to love it all, to have a day full of contradictions that were welcomed with open arms…

Anyway, during the days with my female biz buddies, a theme came up: Recommitting.

When you are on a bold path, a new path, a frightening and exposed path, and yes, even a well-worn path, you recommit more than you probably know.

In your marriage, it isn’t the paper marriage certificate that keeps you together. It’s your recommitting to one another, every day. When you start a business and there’s a slump, or a speed bump or a drop in energy, you need to re-commit.

I know I have re-committed many times on this journey of Freedom Junkie. For me this has manifested more as recommitting to being completely authentic in my coaching, in my writing, and in the type of clients that I choose to work with. There have been times that I’ve wondered if I should try to please more people or “be nice” to a client and avoid saying something that might be hard to hear so they didn’t have to see the raw truth in front of them.

Instead, I recommitted to my clear vision (supported by my coach and my fellow badass friends!) and said no to clients that weren’t the ideal ones I wanted to work with; I say the hard things to clients even though someone didn’t like to hear it (haven’t been fired yet…but totally willing to be for the sake of authenticity); and I said no to the standard model of 10-30 weekly clients on 3-month programs because my life requires far too much freedom for that. I cuss at times when I write – especially when I am tired or passionately fired up – because for realz, there’s just not another substitute for “fuck” when you really need to use it. One fellow coach at my meeting apologized when she said, “It really sucked” (she said excuse my language!). Her peeps are not my peeps;) And that’s OK. In fact, its awesome!

I also recommitted to the belief that I can create my own Mandala of a career – doing everything that feeds my soul in my own whacky way, while I travel the world AND plant potted flowers.

Expect these periods of recommitting to come up every now and then, and see it as a choice to walk away form something that no longer serves you, or to reconnect with the Mojo behind it all.

What do you recommit to today? Share with me below, even if it’s just one sentence. Let’s inspire one another with conscious choices!

 

Note: Ana Verzone is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps passionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Clarity + Courage Course by visiting FreedomJunkie.com

Days 150 to 162 – A Very Sensitive Girlfriend

Here’s the flowers he brought me when picking me up from the airport. He said, “But I didn’t pick them.” How sweet is that!?

I am not quite sure what brings me to the precipice of insanity, but lack of sleep these days seems to be pretty good at it. My poor boyfriend. I have been cranking on getting my ducks in a row for a three-month adventure and as a result, I am a bit behind on the zzzzs. The problem is I LOVE what I do so much, I don’t really care that I am not sleeping well until I start feeling the consequences.

Take a lack of sleep and add: moving to a new state, having to make a whole new set of friends, learning two new sports in 6 months, both of which involve extreme cold, wet, big falls, or breathing water if you mess up, having to poo in a plastic bag while you build your bathroom, having to sell your motorcycle (gasp!) and trying to rent out or sell your house on your iphone at red light stops, not doing yoga for three weeks…

And what do you get?

A very sensitive girlfriend.

Well, at least that’s what my boyfriend gets. Everyone else gets my smile and my laughter and my big juicy hugs because I can do that even when sleep-deprived. But we all know that any relationship worth it’s salt involves vulnerability and intimacy and a whole bunch of other things that aren’t easy to pull off with a fleeting smile, and even harder to pull off with few chi reserves.

Let’s cut to the chase and get to the story. And a story it is. A grand story I created in my sleep-deprived mind.

My boyfriend spends a lot less money than I do. A LOT less. We both make a good living. We both have really good reasons for living the way we do. And we also really respect the values one another has that leads to us doing things differently. But when this wild woman starts getting cranky, I just wish that he did things my way sometimes. Go figure!

Helpful hint: I LOVE love love eating out. After so many years eating crap ghetto food and cold food on a mountain (even though I really do love beans and rice), it is quite the treat for me.

And it doesn’t bother me that he doesn’t eat out so much. I just go with my girlfriends and live it up. What DID bother me recently was when several days in a row we get invited to meet friends at fancy places and we – HE – goes, completely willingly! I’m watching him hang out with our friends as they order hundreds of dollars worth of food and beverage.

I boil inside. The monumental hypocrisy! At least that’s how it felt at the time.

(I am going to preface the following paragraph with acknowledging that my man is totally awesome and romantic, and that I was a bit on the precipice when I thought this. But, I’m being real about my being on the precipice here.)

OK. We’re back to the boil. I think, “Wouldn’t it be fucking AWESOME if he thought of taking his girlfriend who just moved to fucking Alaska and who is selling her freakin’ house to be here and who left her friends and community out on a fucking date to a fucking wine bar or something? Wouldn’t that be just fucking awesome???????!!!!!!!” It would. But perhaps not so fun with this particular version of her right now.

I don’t say anything. Until I’m about to get on the plane for a quick trip to Oregon.

I try to rationalize inside that I am feeling a disproprotionate amount of anger for what the situation is. Yet I don’t know how to express myself reasonably under all this sleep deprivation. Oh, the inner turmoil! (hand on forehead, look of exasperation…) So I just shut up and fold clothes or something. And I pray and pray he won’t ask me the question.

But then he asks, “What is wrong?” Oops. I let it rip. Not in a completely crazy-making way, but in a way that was much less effective than it could have been. OK, maybe it was in a moderately crazy-making way. Instead of saying, “It would be nice if you could take me on a date to a yummy restaurant sometime. I think it would be really romantic. I’m going through a lot of changes and it would be a fun thing for me to do,” I gave a version of what I gave you above without so many of the f-bombs.

Then I say how I wish he would say “I love you” more (even though I know perfectly well that it isn’t how he expresses love most of the time). And really I don’t wish that. I just wished I didn’t feel the way I did just then.

Then it somehow morphed into me dramatizing that I hate how he feels resentful about how hard I’m working when really I am working so much so that I don’t HAVE to work for three whole months! And isn’t he a lucky dude to have a successful woman who can also pull off 3-months of playing without much notice AND pay mortgages on a nice home and a ski condo? I have no idea where that came out of, but now I know that he came to the conclusion that I somehow think we don’t spend enough time together.

This type of miscommunication is what happens when you are tired.

I spent the next few days going over our relationship, and in particular remembering the book The 5 Love Languages.

I felt guilty. Not for wanting the things I do, but for the way in which I was asking for them. I knew better.

Sure, he doesn’t take me to fancy restaurants, but do you know what he does do? He calls me on satellite phones from the South Pole just to chat. He gets up an hour before I do in an Alaskan winter and heats the yurt before I get out of bed. He cooks me dinner almost every night, makes tea for me in the morning, and started buying locally and organic vegetables. He brought me berries for my green smoothies, and he moved to Oregon with me so we could grow closer as I transitioned. He picks me wildflowers and hides little love notes in my bags when we’re going to be apart for awhile.

He takes me on easy rivers to learn new ways to have adventures. He is patient and kind with me and supports my dreams. He brags about me. He makes things happen. He built our home. He is continually trying to make it more comfortable for me. He takes me dancing and holds me tightly when I’m crying. He meditates with me as we sit in the sun on rocks, and we do this groovy tai chi-yoga-contact-dance thing when we’re feeling crunchy. He adventures with me all over the world. He is very, very romantic. And much much more.

So I guess I could have said, “Hey, how about a date night to a nice restaurant? I’d like that. It would mean a lot to me. Surprise me sometime soon, please;)”

And I could have said, “Here’s what I noticed that makes me really appreciate you…Did I miss anything? I want to learn all the ways you love me.”

And I could have said, “I know. You wish I wasn’t so busy so that we could spend more time together, because you love me. And we’ve waited for this opportunity for a long time. I know it’s frustrating. Soon, amor, soon….”

Well, it’s always easier in hindsight. I’ve been getting more sleep, and I am really really excited to hang out with my man and play in the mountains. And make dinners. And do all the things that help me remember – every day – why I am so lucky to be with him. And I bet he’s feeling the same way, ‘cuz that’s how we roll. Lucky me;)

(PS: I bet a few of my wishes will come true really soon. Focus on what you want, peeps. Not on what you don’t want).

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps pasionate people awaken their lives of freedom, adventure and purpose. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her “Full-On 365” blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)!

Days 126 to 138 I Love You Dad

I am missing my dad. He died in 2008. This was two years after he had been told he was going to die in 6 months, and was subsequently kicked out of hospice when he was trying to get out of bed and they discovered that every bit of cancer in his 82 year old body had disappeared for the time being.

I miss him because I have been truly living full-on every day, and that just makes me want to share my life with him even more. I want him to meet my partner, Thai, and know I am with someone who truly loves me and celebrates me. I want them to sit side-by-side on a riverbank and laugh about me, and for my dad to tell stupid stories about my adolescent fiascoes, or how I found a beer in the neighbor’s backyard when I was 4 years old and then he found me dancing on the windowsill when no one was looking. (Some things never change – except now I don’t mind if people are looking;). I want to show him my cute house in Ashland and let him sit in my hammock under the colorful array of leaves draped above it, I want him to see our land in Alaska and show him moose and bear and fantastic scenery.

dancing with my dad at a birthday partyI want to show him these beautiful places – tell him stories of my adventures in Africa, the mountains in Alaska, our sailing to snowy peaks and living in a yurt. My pack-rafting trips and my business adventures and celebrations. I want him to witness all I am creating. You see – when you are living fully, you WANT others to watch. Especially those who love you. And you want others to watch not because of ego, but because you want them to see what magic is possible for them. Like: hey, look at me! I’m flying! So can you!!!!!”

I know he would be so proud of the work I am doing, which he would see as me helping people to see God/Source/the Universe in themselves. I used to take him to Muir Woods and he would stop, look straight up at the towering redwoods with sunbeams filtering through the branches, and say, “THIS is my cathedral. Let’s stop and pray.” I want to tell him how much his whackiness inspired me to dance to my own drummer, how he taught me loving and accepting others was more important than trying not to be embarrassed, I want to tell him how no matter how many mistakes he made, that I’d do it all again with him, because I am so fucking happy right now.

Fortunately, I have already said these things to him. I just want to tell him again and hold him. Smell him. Hear his voice.

my dad
always smiling, even when he was pooped!

I suppose the only thing I worry about is that he might feel I am not happy. He was worried about me for a bit because when he died, I had just gotten divorced, and he really wanted me to have a family. However, in the end I know people don’t die and worry about their relatives. They are stoked because they see truth, the emptiness of our suffering and how, in the end, it is all beautiful and perfect and as it should be. And they are rooting for us to figure all that out here and now, because this, my friends, is an epic playground;)

I have some of his ashes here with me in this remote Alaskan village I am at for the next few days. Thai is here too. We are going to try to go to a spot by the majestic Kuskokwim River and sprinkle some of his ashes there. Maybe he can “See” the moose and fish as he flots by, the thunder clouds and lightning, the reflections of the mountains when the water is still…One day I will run out of his ashes, as I try to take a little wherever I go. But until then, it feels really really good to be able to share this with him on a somewhat physical level.

Happy Father’s Day, dad. You truly amaze me.

PS: I am really sorry for the lag in posts. You see, I have been migrating ALL my other material over to one site, FreedomJunkie.com, as well as working on its re-design (all the new eye candy is almost ready to be made live!), moving to Alaska, trying to sell/rent my house in Ashland, launch the next Ziji Up Mastery Program (which started today – yay!), and more.  But we’re back in the game. Thanks for waiting!

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting FreedomJunkie.com (note: it’s new look will be up to rock your world soon)! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call on the Law of Attraction at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice