Days 50 to 53 – Loving and Receiving Fully Kicks Ass

Living Full-On Every DayWow…so sometimes when you live full on, the Universe reminds you of exactly how happy this makes her, and how much more beautiful the world is because of it.

When I was facing a serious cancer and going through my inventory of possible regrets, I had but one major one. I was pretty happy about that. I had learned enough to attempt to appreciate life regularly, and had spent all of my 20s adventuring all over the world. I had begun deep healing in my relationships with my parents. I was a whacky but fiercely loyal friend and partner. And I had learned to be compassionate with myself about using the word “regret.”

I had a general rule that if I learned from the experience and made amends for it, I could call it a mistake or a lesson, rather than a regret. But let me tell you this: when looking at not being able to do anything about a regret cuz you may die, even one regret SUCKS.

So…I am guessing you’re wondering: What was my ONE major regret? It had to do with LOVE, of course! I had one great love that I had not fully appreciated or done everything I could for. We met in Kathmandu in our 20s, and all sorts of social “rights” and “wrongs” (too soon after a breakup so maybe I wasn’t clear…having to do the responsible thing…yada yada) kept me from saying “yes” when he asked, “Will you come ride a motorcycle with me through Cambodia and Laos?” Or months later when he came to visit me en route to Antarctica.

Us in our 20s, stuck in Baja during to 9/11(after sea kayaking Isla Espiritu Santo)

We kept in touch, regularly. We had 2-3 hour phone conversations (even until recently!). We tried to date but were always on different continents. Not different continents like North vs South America. Like Antarctica vs North America. That made it challenging.

Then I pushed him away by doing some hurtful things that I didn’t know were hurtful at the time…probably because my heart was closed off after hearing he was dating a woman in Antarctica, or dating a woman in Alaska. Sheesh. How embarrassing. Apparently those things kind of kept him from opening his heart to me anymore then. Fair enough. You can’t expect someone to open their heart to you if yours is squeezing shut.

We talked about “us” and resigned ourselves to the fact that while we both wanted to be together and give it a go, perhaps it just wasn’t meant to be in this lifetime. It was too difficult to make it happen. So we became “just” friends. REALLY good friends. Like he called me from the South Pole, or sent me little trinkets from Egypt or Bolivia when he would barely email anyone else, and called me when he was having a really hard decision to make. Or like I would call him when something awesome happened in my life…like, oh, say…when I got engaged.

We had promised each other we’d tell the other person – not matter how distanced we may ever become – if either of us got engaged. I can safely say we both assumed this was to give the other person a last chance to go for it.

So I called him. And he sounded surprised, then…he congratulated me.

Sigh.

I hate to admit it now, but I was indeed disappointed. It might have been wise to listen to that. It could have spared me my later divorce (albeit an amicable one, for my ex was indeed a super awesome man). However, I was young on my path to understanding my intuition then. I had chalked it up to “grass is greener” syndrome. Plus, he had a girlfriend he met in Antarctica that swam to islands in Fiji with him with a plastic bag tied around their ankle full of their belongings. WTF. How can you top that when you’re stuck doing 12 hour shifts at a hospital while in graduate school in San Francisco (albeit also squeezing in Yosemite walls and climbing trips to Australia, alone)? You don’t. You just are happy for him, that’s what. Sheesh.

In any event, as I was preparing for my cancer excision and renal auto-transplant in 2004, wondering how sick I was (or how sick I was going to be), I thought of HIM. That relationship was my one “What if.” HE was the one thing I had wished I had gone for fully. Not pushing him away. Not making up stupid excuses. Not waiting until it was convenient or easy. And now I was married, and he was about to be engaged (although I didn’t know that at the time), and both our partners were totally amazing. Fuck.

So I let it go.

I KNOW, right?! But I wanted to do what seemed like the “right thing” then… and a big part of me still feels good about that.

In any event, I tell you all this because the Universe is supposed to have come in and given me props for all my full-on living thus far. And she did.

The past few days when I wasn’t writing here, I was fully experiencing love with HIM. I am 38, and I am finally with him. I know now that the decade+ delay was all for good reasons. We appreciate each other even more now, that’s for sure. We learned to love one another as friends. We REALLY know each others’ crap, and knowing that the other person still wants to be with us after all that is rather lovely. And we learned many things in our other relationships that we didn’t have to learn with each other, which surely spared some heartache. And there are many other things to celebrate about having surrendered to the Universe back then. But no matter what, all I know is I am absolutely receiving love from him, fully and completely. And dishing it out.

Yes yes, we are building our lives together, and making all those plans and talking about kids etc. But for me, the point is that I AM FINALLY ABLE TO LOVE HIM FULLY, LIKE I ALWAYS WANTED TO. And I am receiving his love fully, like I never let myself do before. To be honest, even if we don’t stay together “forever,” I can die knowing I experienced my great love. And that is so much better than a “What if.”

Many of you could call my bluff…if you’ve truly been dealing with dying before you were ready before. I have to admit, there’s nothing like that to get you to realize exactly HOW SHITTY it feels to have “What ifs” when you are possibly going to die much sooner than you ever thought possible.

And now I got a second chance. How often does that happen? Probably not often, because actually we also have a huge part in CREATING those second chances ourselves, and we often give up too soon. But having said that, THANK YOU for this second chance (to all involved)!

It wasn’t an easy peasy “I’ll call you and let’s meet up for coffee” kind of thing. We were still almost a continent apart. When we both first opened up to this possibility again, he was heading off to China, and after that trip he returned to his home-base in Alaska (I was currently in Oregon). Getting to be with him took some balls this time around too. I really had to take some risks, and so did he. But it was so worth it. So very, very worth it.

I was talking to a client the other day about wanting to protect our hearts, and I was reminded of my new willingness for it to get hurt again as long as I am honoring my truth all the while. It is NOT worth protecting it at the price of possibly not loving fully again (there are wise ways to do this, but that’s another post;) The risks, while scary, are part of the dealio.

So the past few days have been me receiving fully and loving fully. And I find little notes from him in my stuff, and I watch him sleep and I’m like, “HOLY SHIT! I am with him! Like I always felt I should be! This is SO WEIRD! And so incredibly cool.” Talk about patience and faith and trust. And risk-taking. And … who knows what else.

Us in Mali, West Africa – on a different adventure in our late 30s;)

But what I DO know is that had I not been committed to living Full On, to not making excuses, to not wasting any more of my precious life energy doing anything I do not want to be doing, to being willing to take the risks…I could have missed out on this. All of it.

If you’ve vomited after this, I completely understand. For me, it is The Notebook in real life, after all. Well, The Notebook minus the horse races and white picket fence and white people and one of us being an aristocrat part. Well, minus lots of things from that…but PLUS many more of our own flavahs.

I’ll admit that I own The Notebook, and everyone told me it was Hollywood bullshit, by the way. And yes, I know many of you are devastatingly disappointed by my admitting that, but oh well;) It is the only love story movie I own. The rest are Kung Fu flicks and the Star Wars series. However, I bought it because when I watched it, it reminded me not that my true love was still out there “somewhere,” but that life was too short to make up excuses for not living fully.

I liked being reminded of that, because for me it did so not in a woo woo way, or in a bullshit “Hollywood is trying to make you feel bad about your life” kind of way, but in a “Cut the BS and get off yer ass and go get it, even if you end up disappointing others by staying true to yourself. Life is too short!” type of way. I think it was because I KNEW that was true for me, and I needed to be reminded not to make up excuses anymore. I wasn’t waiting for my prince charming. I just had to have the balls to stop getting in my own way about it.

I still really do believe that it is not about if we stay “together forever” that defines true love, but rather this expansive wholeness that I feel in my heart. To feel this, even only for a brief while, is kissing God. So although I have every reason to believe this is a continuation of another lifetime and will continue to be so, this really, truly, for realz, is enough.

So have you not told someone you care for about your heart? Have you not forgiven someone who desperately wants you to? Have you not apologized for hurting someone, even if you didn’t mean to? Today, PLEASE do something about one thing that you would regret if you put it off. You never know what second chances might open up for you.

PS: I also skied up Near Point and watched cool sunsets;)

At the top of Near Point, Anchorage, AK

 

Note: Ana Neff is a personal life coach, guide and FreedomJunkie™ She helps individuals awaken their lives of freedom and personal success with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly Jedi Juice ™ eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. Her Full-On 365 blog posts stem from her commitment to living full-on, every day, for 365 days in a row. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download  her FREE Getting Clear Guide by signing up at anaverzone.com! Sign up for her next FREE Jedi Juice Training call at anaverzone.com/jedi-juice

 

Days 48 and 49 – Being Oversensitive Sucks

Yesterday was a mellow day of sleeping, fixing up the yurt, then eating pizza with friends as we watched footage from our epic weekend (see below). There was such an awesome sense of community all weekend, and it was nice to fade into the rest of the week with a nice eve with amigos. It would have been even better had I not had my little uber-sensitive gremlin come up again. It had been awhile, so I was taken off guard. Can I pretty please blame it on my new birth control pills? Arrrgh.

I got all sensitive about how hard I was having to work the past few months and as a result, how I wasn’t as fit as I normally am (because of so many various reasons that we have all made up in our heads about that one before) and not being as, well, fun because I didn’t have as much energy as usual. I did that whole “I’m going to compare myself to other people” crap and that is never a good idea. Then I blamed my partner for comparing me, which he totally wasn’t (You should have seen me try to pull off that one! Good thing he’s on my gremlin’s* ass). Then I felt shitty about all that. Then I felt shitty about feeling shitty because deep down I know my life is sahweet and life is too short for feeling shitty!

Then I did the full on thing and said to my partner, gulp, “I’m sorry for freaking out,” and totally owned  my crap. Then today I did my mental Jedi juju stuff and told my gremlin to get the fuck out of my head and heart and let me live the bad ass life I am destined to be living. Yes, sometimes you need to be that harsh with The Gremlin. Sometimes it is good to say something sweet, like “Thank you for trying to protect me, but I don’t need that anymore.” And sometimes you just need to tell it to shut the f#*k up (I am trying to minimize my swearing for my mother…at least for this paragraph).

*What’s a gremlin? A fancy coaching term for it is also The Saboteur. The gremlins/saboteurs are the voices that tell you you are not capable or deserving enough to be happy and fulfilled. Like when one of my Freedom Junkie coaching clients says she wants to write a book, her gremlin says it is too expensive, or that she has nothing original to say. Another client’s gremlin tells her she can’t possibly have a career with her art because that is not “realistic.” One of mine (and apparently of many friends and clients) is that we aren’t worthy of love because if someone really knew who we were, they’d realize we aren’t perfect.

WTF! How crazy negative is that??!!! Very. And we ALL have them. Watch. Just for a day. Or an hour, even. You’ll notice them a lot. But don’t get down on yourself about it. It’s the way our brain works, and it is re-wireable. And you’re not broken because you have them. You are human!

It is best to learn about and acknowledge your gremlins, maybe even personify them (like have them look like the mean schoolteacher or a troll) and then come up with a system to shut them up. Where saboteurs speak from is fear, NOT TRUTH. You MUST remember this. NOT TRUTH.

When you hear a voice of TRUTH, it is very different. It speaks in a compassionate and clear voice. It is not one of fear or anger or belittling.

And know that saboteurs come up right when you are about to do some seriously bad-ass living, like right when you are about to be totally content in your relationship, or right when you are about to feel confident enough to quit your job, or right when you are about to come completely out of debt. Or right when you just had an epically fun weekend with your boyfriend and awesome friends skiing in the Alaskan backcountry, for example. They often cause us to (duh) sabotage our own happiness at these crucial moments.

So get out of your own way, and tell your gremlins to shut up so you can get on living you awesome life. It can be tricky. Trust me: this morning, when I decided not to drop into my saboteur’s story, I had to dig deep to believe that I was not hearing truth in those words, and I had to dig deep to come up with what I knew to be true. It was more difficult than usual because I have been so tired. But thankfully, I’ve had years of practice, which makes it much easier over time (I promise!). If you need some help with your own gremlins, let me know! A team often helps;)

For now, I am going to resume my bad ass life and head out for another ski. Did I mention the sun sets at 8:15 in Anchorage these days. Supah sahweet!

PS: As promised, here is more footage from the past few days:

http://youtu.be/tHlzDWSaCtU

Above is a video of one of our earlier runs

Below is a video of Tony and his dog, Pup Pup, on the first run off the summit of HaleBop (after you’ve admired Tony’s moves, rewind and watch Pup Pup run in his fresh tracks…awesome!)

http://youtu.be/mU_B1wiBo80

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom Mentor™. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses, and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

 

Days 44 to 47 – Rest and Backcountry Skiing (not an oxymoron!)

Yeehaw! When you need to rest, rest. It’s so much easier living full on when your have the energy to do it. I did NOTHING Days 44 and 45 except sleep in, get a massage, read, and drive to a sweet backcountry Alaskan powder hut. I went to bed those nights and slept HARD.

The day after driving to the hut, we all slept in because the shutters were still on the hut windows blocking out the light. Once up (at 10??!!!) the 8 of us (plus two dogs) made an epic breakfast of eggs, coffee with Bailey’s Irish cream (for breakfast?! Yes! St. Patrick’s Day!). We then donned our wigs to eat breakfast and head out to ski. But before that we had a morning work party and chopped wood, brought it back to the cabin with sleds, and put in a new door on the hut.

After all that we hiked up epic backcountry terrain (BTW if you’re ever cold put a freakin’ wig on your head. They are WAY warmer than hats!) and skied down amazing fresh powder. And I mean AMAZING. Plus the views were epic, the weather was spectacular, and the company was hilarious. Not to mention it was awesome to have two other women along the trip to balance out all that testosterone.

I am not a big skier. When I was younger it was too expensive and when I was older it seemed scary to fall going so fast. But I’ve slowly grown into it after I picked up a pair of tele skis, and am digging spending a lot more time on snow this season;) Plus, Alaskan powder makes in much less scary to fall!

I have a cool videos of us skiing (with me singing really bad operatic soundtrack on one), and will post here in an update. In the meantime, all I’ve got are the wig pictures above.

When I speak of resting, I can’t describe how key it was for me to take time for myself and listen to my body. Rather than forcing myself to go go go
the first day of skiing, I decided to sit atop a ridge as everyone did a lap up and down. I sat there and took in the views, the utterly beautiful silence, the glistening sparks of snow in the sky that looked like fairy dust, and felt the sun warming my face. Granted I was wearing five jackets but it was surprisingly warm on that Alaskan ridge in winter. It felt so good to REST. Plus at the end of the day I wasn’t too tired to don the wigs again and laugh for a few hours. I really was tired at the start. I could feel it intensely. Hiking was so hard. It was barely fun that day…but that all changes soon!

By the end of the day there were 9 of us and 4 dogs in the little hut. That wasn’t quick breeding – we just had more visitors. It felt so cozy falling asleep with every inch of the hut – including the kitchen floor – strewn with my friends and their pups. Even though there was no running water, we cooked on a wood-stove, and heated the place only with wood, it was relatively light work with so many friends.

The next morning was an earlier rise. But I felt fantastic after having a relatively restful day. So fantastic that I boot-packed (aka hiked) up to the summit of Hail Bob peak with everyone even though there was NO WAY I was going to ski down the steep corniced chute from the top (at this point in my skiing life, at least). I instead climbed back down, which many of the skiers said would be scarier for them than skiing down. Just goes to show its all relative!

We got back and there was an Alaskan moose meat chili ready for us after slow cooking on the wood stovetop all day. We all packed up (at this point there were 12 of us and 5 dogs) and I managed to have kept track of all my wigs (thank you, Ashland friends, for lending me wigs for this event;).

We toasted my 8 years of being cancer-free from renal cell carcinoma, gave group hugs, and headed back to Anchorage. That was after falling flat on my back and ass on ice as we packed up the truck. THAT was the most painful part of the whole trip! I always seem to injure myself in the front country.

Pretty full on for a weekend. But that’s kind of how it goes in Alaska;)

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.ZijiLife.com

Day 40 – Girl Time and Kicking Anxiety’s Ass

I dropped him off at the airport, the man I love, and sent him to Alaska. I was actually OK with the whole thing because I’d be meeting up with him there Thursday;) THEN I went to my friend’s ranch, and met up with a bunch of midwives there. WE DID NOT DISCUSS WORK AT ALL. It was fantastic. We went for a hike along the Rogue River and drank home-made huckleberry and blackberry wine. We ate pretzels and watched the glorious bella Tallulah, a King Charles Cavalier Spaniel (yeah I had no idea how fancy this dog was either), run with the big boys and sneak into a herd of cattle, chasing chickens around and around the yard, rolling like a pig in mud in a pile of cow poo, and all-in-all being a true dog, despite her fantastic pure-bred haircut. There was baby-holding the 10-week old baby girl, Viva, and good all-around girlie fun. This, of course, was Oregon style, so there managed to also be talks of shotguns, how to skin a dear, and the year-long food supply that would surely come in handy someday. Hah! And to think I once believed it was giving into the man just by shaving my legs;)

Then I went with a friend to eat steak and drink more wine. And it was yummmmmmmmmy.

I was so full on I even forgot my phone and got none of these fiascoes on camera!

Now I’m home and I’ll be sleeping in bed…alone. And I’m OK with it. THIS is how it is supposed to feel in a relationship, and I relish in my coziness. There had been so many anxious nights in one of my less trustworthy relationships a few years ago…anxious because my partner wasn’t beside me, anxious to be alone, anxious wondering “what ifs,” wondering what he was doing, and all that craziness that comes in a relationship lacking trust (or confidence).

This, conversely, was such a calm and centered place. A deep Ziji…a deep knowing and confidence in myself, a deep peacefulness that all was OK, no matter what. Not just because my partner was trustworthy, but also because I have grown in my self confidence and what I know I deserve – and what I want.  That helps to rid of anxiety, no matter what.

Once, when I was getting needled for a near panic attack back in the day, my acupuncturist (Denise Vore) told me, “We are usually not afraid of what the other person will do to us. We are more afraid that we will let ourselves tolerate it.”

Word up, sistah! I find these days, when I get anxious, I tell myself, “Don’t worry. If it doesn’t serve you, walk away. You deserve to walk away if you want to.” And I relax.

This reminded me of when I used to sit through crappy movies  because “I paid for them.” Then I went to one with a bad-ass woman I know named Flo Sandok. We watched a crappy violent movie’s first 5 minutes and she said, “I am not into this. Are you?” I told her I hated it. So she said, “Let’s get up and leave.”

I was like, “WTF? You can do that? Oh yeah!” It hadn’t crossed my mind to get up and leave.

Damn. I’ve come a long way, baby.

It pays to say “YES” to what you know you deserve, and “NO” to what you DON’T deserve or want. Knowing in your heart that you will do this for yourself leads to more calm, groundedness, centeredness, and an increased inner confidence in your ability to show up for YOURSELF. This kicks anxiety’s ass.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Ziji™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.Ziji Life.com

Days 35 to 39 – Full-On Busy!

20120311-182528.jpgThese past few days have been a whirlwind! Hence no posts in four days;) In any event, this week was filled with crazy logistics and crazy fun. I had to further purge my house since it is in the market now (Yeeeehaw!) and there has been an incredible release as I de-clutter and let go.

I went through The Box again (see previous post on this) and got rid of even more stuff. Ah…sweet love letters are hard to chuck, but oh well.

I packed up dozens of books that I thought I’d read over the next few months but deep down I knew I wouldn’t. Then I found a picture of my dad who died in 2008, and it was from when he was 22. It was torn because I hadn’t stored it well, and I cried thinking of him and how stupid I was to be so careless with his photo.

I went pack rafting for the first time ever and it was super scary at first but I ended up laughing and yahooing the whole time. It was incredible! Epic! Gorgeous! And I wore a tabletop outside for the first time since autumn. And we got pulled over for having 4 people and 4 boats and a packraft in a minivan, but we got let off. If like to think it was primarily because we were funny and charming but Nick, nearly 60, swears its because he was old enough to be our dads and the cop, seeing him crouched in the back wedged between the boats, figured we couldn’t be doing anything that bad if he was with us. That’ll work.

Then I had a freak out that I was going through all these major changes and I felt distant from my man. So I told him I needed him to be more sweet to me and he stepped up, also pointing out he’s been home only two hours each day due to all the work he’s had, and that’s probably why I was feeling the way I was…not cuz he wasn’t being sweet. Alright. True dat.

And I worked on my awesome Ziji Up! Mastery Program that will be starting in a couple of weeks and got über excited as I dove into all the fantastic material we were going to cover.

Now I’m going to hike w my man for a bit because he leaves for Alaska tomorrow…and I get to meet him there in three days! Psyched!

So, that’s why I haven’t posted in awhile. I guess that’s a good sign that I’m living Full On;)

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Ziji Up! eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Days 27 and 28 – The Box: Letting Go of a Poverty Mindset Around Love

this is the postcard my soul mate gave me over a decade ago that was in The Box

Do you have a Box? I mean, THE box. The box that holds all those old pictures and love letters, cards, newspaper cutouts, plane ticket receipts, foreign money etc. Some would say Pandora’s Box;)

I had one of those boxes. Today, I went through it and – gasp! – threw stuff out! Full On.

It was a bittersweet tenderness. I looked at maps I collected over the years, ferry passes from sea crossings on my early travels, held money from various parts of Asia in my hand, and ticket stubs collected from fun first dates or with people I idolized (like my first ticket to see H.H. the Dalai Lama in person). I admitted, for example, that I really didn’t need the bulky napkin from a crazy guesthouse in Bangkok where I had stayed up all night with my friend dancing in wigs and sipping various concoctions with this “new” drink called Red Bull. I mean, really…I wasn’t going to bust that out with a grandkid on my lap one day. Maybe the story, but not the napkin;)

I also read beautiful letters from past boyfriends…many from more than a decade ago. I went through little packages they had made for me, sending them across mountains when I was working abroad or in the middle of Alaska or the Sierra Nevada in California.

As I read the loving words and saw the care put into the gifts, my heart twanged as I thought about how they might be doing now, how I feel so blessed to have been loved in such a beautiful way by them, and – yes – I wondered if they hated me.

For realz? For realz.

It takes a lot to disappoint another to honor yourself. Some of those breakups were ones that I wasn’t sure should happen, but I was trusting myself and what I needed, and honoring a future that would be better for both of us if we spent it apart. Inevitably, it was the right thing to do.

But still, I wondered if they hated me for breaking up. I really did love them, and I really wanted them to know that. I just, frankly, also loved myself more.

There…I said it.

While those relationships did indeed come to an end, it was good to remember that I have had some pretty amazing men in my life. I’ve been fortunate enough to generally have relationships in which we communicated well, were trusting, passionate, and involved a lot of life adventure in all shapes and sizes (pan to montage of me in couplehood laughing and frolicking in the mountains…).

Gag. I sound like the female version of Julio Iglesias right now. And I lack the accent to make up for the sappiness. Sorry.

In any event, they were great men, and I just didn’t want them to hate me. But ya know what? You can’t control something like that. I reminded myself that while I like to think of myself as a Jedi on some level, mind tricks were not my forte and I had to simply let go.

Then I wondered: why had I been holding on to all those letters and photos and poems etc anyway? Yes, part of it was lovely and sentimental.

But if I’m being Full On Honest with myself, the other part is because of the remnants of a poverty mentality around love. On some level, my holding on to these keepsakes was similar to the folks with financial poverty mindsets who hoard things, filling up a garage of items they never use in a poverty mindset because they are afraid they may never be able to afford to get another one should they need it someday. And things still sit there, never to be used.

It was like Chris Rock’s description of women’s “plutonic friends” being a – excuse my vulgarity – “Dick in a Glass Case.” Break in case of emergency. This was my Love in a Glass Case. Open, read, and maybe even call in case of a heart emergency.

I say “remnants” of a poverty mindset around love because I have proudly moved through the grittiest part of that at this point in my life (one of the COOLEST things ever about getting older!). I am very clear about who I am and what I want (at least a whole lot more clear than I’ve ever felt before!) and KNOW that I deserve every bit of it. That means I am much more willing to disappoint another in order to honor myself, and this is also more possible because I know there will be someone who will celebrate me and love me even as I fully honor myself: Myself. So, I have less of a need for Love in a Glass Case should an emergency arise.

It is indeed one thing to read through such letters and look over the photos and have internal sounds of “To All the Men I’ve Loved Before” going through my head. It is a whole other beast to toss things out. But I did.

EVERY SINGLE ONE of those things? Hell no!

OK…I admit…DID hold on to a handful of the cutest most intricate little gifts mostly because they seemed like art to me. At least that’s the bullshit excuse I gave myself. But I bet deep down it is because there is still the tiniest remnant of that poverty mentality left. And one day I am sure those final pieces of past loves will also leave my presence. In fact, I bet it will happen pretty soon. Like waiting one more month to bring that sweater you never wear to Goodwill.

The coolest part of this whole thing was finding a card from my current partner from over 12 years ago. We have finally arrived back into each others’ lives after many years – and many interim relationships. We met in Kathmandu when we were wee little ones (mid-20s). I recognized his writing on the back of a postcard and turning it over there was the old photo of an iconic Buddhist stupa he took me to on the back of his motorcycle in Bodhnath, Nepal. He had glued the photo to a thick piece of paper, sending it off to me as a postcard when I was in graduate school at UCSF. I held this in my hands for a long time, amazed at how a part of me always knew we’d end up together.

I stuck that postcard on the fridge for him to see when he came home. And I put a lot of other things from that box into the recycling bin, and others I burned ceremoniously. They deserved more than a landfill parting.

I sat there, quietly, happy that I was not feeling empty as a result of having let go. I felt more full, and at the same time, more spacious allowing love in the present to fill my cup.

Note: Ana Neff is known as the Freedom™ Mentor. She helps individuals awaken their lives, their businesses and their success with radiant inner confidence. Her monthly Freedom Junkie eZine goes out to hundreds of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE Getting Clear Guide by visiting www.FreedomJunkie.com

Can I Trust You?

“Integrity is telling myself the truth. And honesty is telling the truth to other people.”
~ Spencer Johnson

The ability to trust in all our relationships – not just intimate ones – allows us to take the risks necessary to grow. In addition, knowing how we decide someone is trustworthy is ultimately not so important for “protecting” ourselves, but rather, in a Ziji Up! kind of way, to also know:

Are YOU the type of person people can trust?

This often is about living with integrity.

People want to know where you stand, what you value, and if you act accordingly. It isn’t so much even WHAT those specific values are, or even about always knowing what is “right” or “wrong” (which, by the way, is often a futile effort).

Rather, whether someone trusts you or not is more about if YOU know what you value, if that somehow includes consideration of others, if you act consistently in the things that matter, and if you’re honest with yourself and others.

That is what builds trust.

For example, in romantic partnerships, trust isn’t only about fidelity, even though that is the way it is often used. In reality, whether or not your partner can trust you is also about wanting to know if you’ll consistently show up fully and authentically in the relationship in the context of the values you share:

*Can I trust that you’ll be home on time for dinner as you said you would?

*Can I trust you’ll keep supporting me in pursuing my passions in life?

*Can I trust you to bring home your share of the money to pay our bills?

*Can I trust that you’ll not spend us into debt?

*Can I trust that you’ll watch the kids the way I do?

*Can I trust that you’ll do the laundry and not ruin my shirts?

*Can I trust that you’ll be open to making love with me tonight?

*Can I trust that you’ll be honest with me?

It is about knowing, “Can I count on you?”

The greatest benefit to living with integrity is that ultimately this leads to you having more trust in YOURSELF.

And when you have more trust in yourself, your Ziji grows, you are more confident. You are proud of who you are and how you are in the world.

Then you will take more important risks. And you will stretch. And grow. And live full-on.

Take the rest of this month to observe how consistent you are in your actions. When you find an inconsistency, what can you learn from that?

Is it harder to stay consistent when you’re worrying about what others might think?
When you’re feeling insecure?
When you’re worried about disappointing someone?
When you feel you might not be liked by someone anymore?
When it is inconvenient?
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One of my favorite poems about “showing up” is The Invitation, by Oriah Mountain Dreamer (I know…woo woo name but awesome poem). I invite you to partake:



It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon…I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes, without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself. If you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul. If you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty even when it is not pretty every day. And if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand at the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon,”Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live, or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the centre of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you from the inside when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself, and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

Days 25 and 26 – Family Time

The past two days have been Full-On Family. We are driving – in four days – a total of 24 hours (11 hours on our longest day) to be with those we love on opposite sides of a different state. You see, a close family member got sick, and another got better, and it was just time to hit the road and give gratitude that we are all still together, albeit miles apart.

Like I said on Day 1 – living full-on isn’t just about being in the mountains, traveling to exotic places, or doing extreme things. It is more often than not about showing up in this world with integrity and love, even when it isn’t “convenient.”

We made the most of all the hours of driving too. My partner had the brilliant idea of skiing for 1/2 days on longer stretches to break it up. Sahweet!