What Happened to Me

As many of you know, I spent a lot of time in the Utah desert on my own personal wilderness Quest last year. About a half year later, I led some amazing Legendary ladies on their own personal Quest in Joshua Tree. Suffice it to say that both experiences were pivotal, and after I had wrapped up my year with my Legendary ladies, I had a huge 2×4 from the Universe smack me upside the head, and I had no other desire than to go inward.

exploring the Omani desert with Maia (photo credit: Thai Verzone)

Plus, having a kid made me look at how I was prioritizing my life in way that was even more powerful than having had cancer twice. I think a kid can do that for a lot of people – especially those of us, like me, who can have issues with self-love. It is somehow easier to do it for someone else sometimes.

It was all overpowering, but I didn’t have the mental, physical, or spiritual space to have to “explain” it to anyone. I just did what had to be done. I find women explain far too much anyway, and could benefit from just doing what the hell their souls are telling them they need to do – without explanation.

:: I (almost) instantaneously unplugged from online marketing. It’s amazing how much space this opened up in my life. I took clients by referral only, and that kept me plenty busy along with everything that followed…

:: I moved through a psycho-spiritual crisis and unacknowledged postpartum depression, and healed my body. My relationship, family and spiritual practice is now stronger than ever, and my body is feeling more powerful every day…something I haven’t felt since before I had my kiddo. I shed much of my excess ama, and my body feels almost as light and energetic as it did when I was much younger. I still have some work to do, but I am well on the path.

:: I listened to the one word that kept sprouting from my Quest and popping up in Mystery wherever I went: SERVICE.

This was a doozy, because I did not want to hear it. I felt I was already in service with my Legendary and other coaching clients, and the volunteer work I did abroad every few months (diving into it at a refugee camp with Congolese and Rwandan refugees for a month counts for a lot of service, right?) But this word “Service” and its calling told me: Wake up, Woman! You are meant to do more. Open your eyes and see it. Why the hell do you think I’ve been having you cultivate those myriad skills over the years? Not just because you are a multipassionate/ multi-potentialite or whatever people are calling it these days. You are supposed to DO something with all of that.

:: So…I applied for and received a scholarship for a doctoral program and focused my project on helping to start the first emergency maternal-child transport system in Nepal. Yes, for the entire country. No, not alone. But yes, far larger than I ever thought possible. A daunting undertaking to say the least, which will extend well past my doctoral program. Anything born from the heart should endure past it’s short-lived inception.

:: I also started crafting something pretty powerful that will rock the system of healthcare that we live in. It’s something I can’t talk about yet because it will upset a lot of people, and I can’t handle that right now. But I am in deep Jedi training for the Big Disappointment that I will have to endure, knowing that I have to let go of the fruits of whatever efforts I put into this project…which, again, is the case with anything from the heart 😉

I am almost done with my doctoral degree – if all goes well, I should be receive it by December (can you believe it?! Those two Master’s degrees finally paid off, LOL). Then shit gets very, very real after that. You’ll have to stay tuned…but trust me, you will be in on it when it happens.

:: So, what does that mean for Freedom Junkie and Legendary Wilderness Quests? It means I am even more clear about what I am here to do for you. It’s simply a more distilled version of what I have been giving you from my heart since the very beginning, with my very first FullOn365 blog post.

Freedom.

Adventure.

Purpose.

On steroids.

We’re talking vajra path, full-speed ahead manifesting.

:: I will be offering many of my online programs for free or donation-only, to honor the call to Service and to counter the craziness that our new politics is creating. Please, take all you want – but I beg you: USE IT. The world needs you to be YOU more than ever.

:: I will lead a select group of women (who are ready) into their own Legendary wilderness Quests once a year. I am committing to making this as affordable as possible.

:: One retreat a year will be held in Alaska, and the other in Baja, Mexico where we will deep dive into your Soul in some of the last great, vast, expansive lands of unadulterated wilderness there is left on this planet.

In short, if it isn’t obvious, I am focusing on in-person contact with you, my people, my tribe. I am wanting to offer a bit of Medicine to counter all the disconnect that permeates our society, because no matter how much you comment on posts and get replies, or how many different emoticons or video feeds or likes you get, there’s nothing is like talking, seeing, touching, and BEing with a real-life human BEing.

To put it differently, my strongest super powers come out when I am in your face. Literally.

So why do anything else? I’ve got too many other Service duties going on to mess with anything less than my ideal delivery system.

I’ll also be focusing on system-wide changes in our country. I’ve had enough of waiting for other people to do it.

I’m writing this just after landing in Nepal to launch my doctoral project. The 36 hour trip here has been one of the longest periods of time I’ve had to not have to choose between staring at a computer or playing with my kid in the outdoors (guess who wins most of the time?), or attending to the needs of my soul. The first thing I thought of doing was writing to you.

Guess that puts you pretty high up on the list.

I hope this inspires you to follow your Soul’s calling, no matter how scary it might be, how radically different it may look from what you think you “should” be doing, and no matter how you might disappoint others.

That last one’s a doozy. But you will – and can – survive. If you need some help, feel free to start with my Ultimate Confidence Course – the Ziji Up! Mastery Program. It’s 7 weeks of full-on confidence and courage building. For however much you can afford. For realz.

I wonder what would happen if all of us started living from our Souls. Can you imagine how different this world would be? I can.

Let’s do this.

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Hope, Courage, Compassion, and Why Your Purpose Matters

Quests courage compassion purpose and the human heart“Wake up. You know what you need to do. Love. Forgive. Take action. Discover your power. Live your truth.”

I woke up at 4am feeling myriad emotions watching messages come into my inbox and Facebook feed asking for advice about what to do next. I have never sent out a “political” email, but I feel a responsibility to respond to you, my tribe calling out. Here is the best response I could come up with this early, utterly sleep deprived. This is not, in the end, about politics – it is about fear, compassion, courage, and the human heart. And why your purpose indeed matters very, very much. Much of this post contains some of my writing on Facebook I have already posted, and it is not perfect or exhaustive – but I hope it will help.

What has been helping me in the immediate moments is to first allow a deep mourning for the loss of a dream. Do you have dreams that you now feel are lost? Allow yourself to cry and to mourn. This is essential to moving forward with heart and courage.

Then I choose to focus on what I want, the changes I want to see happen. I am deep in prayer and filled with resolve to be a cultural change agent who helps open the hearts and minds of my people. I continue to have faith in the goodness of others, in humanity and in the power of love and compassion. You don’t need to do everything. You just need to do what you do best in this beautiful world you want to manifest (more on that further down).

I know that it is exactly these times that wake people up who may have been asleep, like a massive thunderbolt on a granite peak. I am witnessing the awakening of my people, and know now that my work needs to be on a much, much greater scale than I have ever imagined it to be. I am up for the task, and welcome you to join me.

I look up to the sun, to the sky.

I will wake up and face east, to new beginnings and with a courageous heart.

I know and understand that sometimes, a deep loss is what is required to make one’s desires and dreams more tangible, urgent, real. I see the eagle’s view of what is happening. We are being called to not be complacent. To sense the urgency. To rise up. To never fall asleep to the dying of a people’s soul – ever again. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up!!!

Then, we need to focus on how to be the leaders in our community that do not act out of fear, which got us into all our mess in life anyway. I feel we need to remind ourselves that when a culture is centered around consumerism and its people are constantly fed the notion that they have no deep inherent worth beyond what they do or own, and then that culture also does not prioritize the teaching of compassion and the cultivation of soul and one’s divine soul purpose and the belonging to a unified culture with deeply held values – connected to something greater (humanity, earth/nature) – that this is naturally the outcome: fear-based decisions and actions.

It is a symptom of our cultural Achilles’ tendon. It is a cry out that people are afraid and that they don’t feel the ability to cultivate love and safety from within – that as a culture we have failed helping our people learn this.

I will see this as proof of our nation’s need for its people to be treated with compassion, and to fight against the cultural current that takes us away from our humanity and our sense of purpose.

I will remind my people that when people don’t feel love within, that they look outside of themselves for safety. I will remind myself and my people that it is time to stop pretending everything will be ok if we continue as we are.

I will remind my family and friends and community that when so many people are asleep, sometimes the Universe needs to come by with a 2×4 to wake them up. This always happens. Indeed it is deep suffering that has spurred the most powerful of changes.

I will encourage my people to learn the skills they will need to weather the challenging times ahead. And that I do believe – as humanity has shown over the millennia – that while sometimes it takes too much pain to awaken our hearts, that people do awaken.

I will remind my people that we are a young nation – adolescent when compared to other nations. That adolescents make foolish mistakes. That this is an unwanted yet perhaps necessary growing pain.

That love and compassion will prevail.

To take action to protect the vulnerable.

To stand united. Because no matter who won this election, some of the most important things we can do is love even harder in our own communities and live the example of what we want to manifest.

To send compassion to all those suffering so much that they act from fear.

To realize people are very afraid, and to remind my friends and family and community that this level of fear is what happens when we forget our roots as humans living one wild and precious life, and when a people don’t experience feeling loved and valued and purposeful.

We need to work on helping people not be so damn afraid.

This means that YOU need to continue to work on living a life filled with purpose, love, and compassion. I know there are some out there who feel knowing one’s life purpose is not urgent – and I respectfully disagree. The journey a courageous soul undertakes to discover one’s life purpose is full of growth in self love, self awareness, profound maturing and social responsibility. When people seek life purpose from their soul – and not their heads – it becomes a warrior’s path of growth instead of an anxiety-ridden search.

The initiated adult who knows their unique place in the world does not act out of fear. They act from a courageous, compassionate heart because they know what truly matters in this world.

So indeed, your life purpose matters, and you need to discover what that is. As fast as you fucking can. Did you know in some cultures, if an adolescent does not glean insight about their purpose from their Quest, they do not return? In cultures that value a sense of purpose in the greater scheme of things,they also know that a culture with people who have no sense of purpose is directionless.

Wake up. You know what you need to do. Love. Forgive. Take action. Discover your power. Live your truth. (tweet it)

I am with you.

Will this be easy? Hellz no. Nothing in life truly worth anything is easy. But it is going to be worth it.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

How to Get Out of Your Own Way – Choice, Not Chance

createmorefreedomThe first act of freedom is to choose it.” ~ William James

Life is about making choices.

This has become sooooo apparent to me this past year as I attempt to intentionally design my life for the next few years. I felt an overwhelming sense of decision fatigue – the kind I feel walking into a supermarket and trying to buy toothpaste seeing shelves upon shelves of various forms of spearmint vs peppermint (?!!) and would I rather have whitening power or flouride… but on a larger scale.

(BTW this is why I LOVE traveling to developing countries where I walk up to a wooden kiosk and ask for toothpaste and they slap on the counter the one kind they have, and I happily walk away having found my toothpaste).

While not many of life’s choices are as lightweight as choosing between flavors of toothpaste, we make them every day – ALL day – without being conscious of many of them. This tendency to go into autopilot and not realize we are making choices in each moment can bite us in the butt.
What you choose and how you make choices (or don’t make them) is central to your inner confidence and sense of authenticity.

Choices do, however, come in two flavahs:

1) ACTIVE: When you make something happen and live with the consequences, and
2) PASSIVE: When you “choose not to choose,” and continue to live with the status quo because the stakes appear too high for any changes choice might bring. This one can be a comfy place, but it gets booooooooooring.

Active choices can be painful. Feelings of fear and vulnerability often come along with the territory. When you acknowledge you have choice in the matter, you are more exposed (cross dem legs!). Alas, just because we know what’s best for us doesn’t make it any easier.

This active choice-making is risky, too. The most difficult choices don’t have any absolute right or wrong; there is no perfect solution. It takes great inner confidence (and courage) to face these hard decisions.

On the other hand, putting off decisions, or not taking the time to clarify what it is you want or believe in (which in general leads to crappy choices), can have serious backlashes in the way of stress, depression, discouragement, a total lack of feeling authentic, and even physical illness.

Procrastination and ignorance seldom have any favorable results. But that’s kind of obvious.

The take-home point is this: Once you accept that your choices create your experience and your reality, even if you don’t like what you created so far, YOU ALSO GET TO CREATE YOUR NEW REALITY – THE WAY YOU WANT IT TO BE! And now you can do so more mindfully, deliberately and, skillfully…which freakin’ rocks!

Though in the end the choice is yours, getting to the place to be able to make a decision doesn’t have to be a solo trip. Ask for help. Talking things out with another person can be helpful, especially someone who is on your side but has nothing at stake in your decision (like a coach, a spiritual teacher, or a counselor). Just putting voice to your concerns may help you sort things out, and writing down the pros and cons will give you more clarity than keeping everything in your head.

You can also learn skills that help you make choices that are more clear, deliberate, and in alignment with your passion and values (check out this recording of the oldie-but-goodie Jedi Juice™ training call, “The Power of Choice – and the freedom of owning your shit,” here).

Getting some distance (emotional or physical) may make sussing out your options (and what you WANT) easier, especially if that distance allows you to see the reality of the situation, rather than the way you wish it could be.

Even with thoughtful consideration, not every choice will be the right one. But remember this:

“Wrong” decisions don’t make YOU wrong.

Trite as it may sound, one of the ways we learn is through the mistakes we make. And on the flip side, one way we build confidence is to take risks, commit to a choice/decision, and succeed, even if its after a few (or many) failures. We won’t ever have that chance if we don’t ever deliberately make a choice!

Not each of the choices you make will have profound effect on the whole of your life. But the ongoing and continuous act of making choices – in full awareness – will.

Making choices you believe in, choosing intentionally and with keeping your deepest values in mind, and taking responsibility for your choices – these are some of the markers on the road of living an aligned life.

What choices do you know you’ll have to make today? How can you enter into them with more awareness of what values you are saying “yes” to and what values you are saying “no” to?

Set the intention to be more aware of the opportunities for choice in your day today, and make them in alignment with what the real, authentic you desires.

Ana Verzone is known as the Soul Midwife She helps individuals awaken their lives and personal freedom with confidence, clarity, self-love, and passion. Her monthly eZine goes out to thousands of subscribers. If you are ready to take your life and your world to the next level, you can learn more about her coaching programs and download her FREE 7-day Clarity + Courage Course by visiting www.claritycouragecourse.com

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

the fear of being average (yeah, you’ve got it too, right?)

fear of being averageYou know that thing we do when we compare ourselves to others until it hurts? It’s totally normal. In fact, one of the most common causes of suffering in us humans is the fear of being average…the desire to see ourselves as “above average” (a different way of saying we want to see ourselves as better than others) – and the vast majority of us suffer from this…which is why we compare so much. To see where we stand.

When I first read that factoid as I was researching info for my next course (one on self-compassion!), I really really really wanted to feel that I was not victim to this desire (because that would be kind of…average, right?).

But I so. totally. am.

I have an overwhelming fear of being…average.

I don’t want an average income. Or an average marriage. Or an average car, travel schedule, house, wardrobe, or stack of graduate degrees. I don’t want average grades, careers, weekend trips, or stories to tell by the so-not-average campfire.

I want a fucking extraordinary life. Waaaaay above average.

I have had a fear of being average since I learned what was possible if you proved you were above average in this world (aka school). Being above average got me out of the ghetto and into my Freedom Junkie way of living. It got me amazing opportunities: scholarships, grants, adventures, jobs…lots of good things. I was terrified of what would happen if I ever lost my ability to rank as above average. Indeed, the idea of losing my mind like my father did (he had schizoaffective disorder) was the scariest thing I could imagine. It was my above-average mind that…kept me safe.

The fear of being average was such a big part of my life that it even drove me to hound my uro-oncologist when I was first diagnosed with kidney cancer to find an alternative to removing my kidney and chucking it.

I was sitting in a meeting with him at the uro-oncology unit of UC San Francisco (he happened to look like the Dalai Lama in a lab coat, which helped with our negotiations;). He told me that my tumor was in a part of the kidney where all the blood vessels come together, and that to remove the tumor while my kidney was still attached to me – and have a good chance of complete tumor removal without causing other severe complications – was very, very small. So they would have to just remove my kidney altogether.

Then he said the thing that got me researching my ass off:

“Don’t worry. You’ll be fine with having one kidney. In fact, studies have shown that people who donate a kidney have the same level of happiness as the average American.”

Oh heeeelllllz no, Dr. Man.

“Ummm. No offense…but I am way happier than the average American – and I plan to keep it that way,” I replied. I didn’t say out loud that to be an average American was the most miserable thing I could think of. I just saw myself watching TV on a couch and having the big adventures of my life be camping out for Black Friday sales.

I got on the internet that night, and while I was watching multiple YouTube videos of the surgery I was about to undergo, I saw an interesting blip on my Google search page: “UCSF: #2 renal transplant facility in the country”

Hmmm. So if the issue is they can’t cut the tumor out safely while it is attached to me, why not remove my kidney, cut the tumor out, confirm the margins are clear, then put it back in me?” Shazaam!

I called my surgeon the next morning.

“Interesting. I’ll see what the tumor board has to say,” he said in response to my suggestion. (Since this was such an involved surgery, you have to get the OK from everyone on the team – in this case, uro-oncology, the transplant team, and other hospital folk.)

The next day he called: “OK. We decided that we can try the autotransplant – but one of the main reasons is because you are a rock climber and have a higher risk for trauma than the average person, and thus may have a higher need for 2 kidneys.”

Woohoo! Being above average saves my scared ass again! (But that is soooo not the point I am trying to make here;)

What’s poignant here isn’t the fact that I got the team to try a new surgery…but rather that the fear I felt when thinking I might end up average was all-consuming.

Yes, the outcome was great for me in this scenario – but it always haunted me that it was my fear of being average that was the driving force. That it had been the driving force behind so many of my actions in the past.

So what’s wrong with striving to be above average when so many cool things can come of it? Like awesome adventure travel, getting to keep your organs, and free tuition, to name a few?

When you have “fear of being average” as your main motivation, you are also susceptible to a deep, wounding type of suffering, because your happiness is based on something outside of you: how you compare to others.

And as long as your happiness depends on where you stand in relation to others on the scale – even for something as noble as adventure or compassion or generosity – you will never have the kind of deep, radiant confidence (aka ziji!) that comes from knowing your own inherent self worth.

So you know those days when you internet troll or just perseverate endlessly while comparing your life to others on Facebook or in “real life” – someone in a similar field as you or in your social circle or tribe – and you wonder why they seem happier or more loved or more famous or more exciting or more wealthy or more adventurous or more kind and compassionate or more relaxed … or more anything than you?

Yeah that.

That’s from our fear of being average. The Comparison Carousel. Round and round. “Where do I stand now?” we wonder. All. freakin’. day. It’s exhausting.

I used to think only my friends and others with FOMO (fear of missing out) had this type of fear, and that it was this fear that helped them have such amazing lives of adventure. But then I started to realize that we all have the fear of being average. It’s why scapegoating is so common when times get tough – when there is an economic depression or scarcity of jobs, racism and discrimination increase as people strive to prove in a scarcity environment that they still have the one-up on others.

Don’t take this lightly, folks. This tendency to want to be above average creates more suffering in us as individuals, as well as worldwide in small communities, large countries, and in international relations.

You may not realize the degree of suffering this causes if you manage to stay “above average” in the categories important to you or your culture for a long time…until you start to get exhausted running the race; start to fall behind; or finally find that person who is smarter than you, prettier than you, sexier than you, more adventurous than you…just better than you all around (all else created equal). And you will find that person. There is always – always – going to be someone “better” than you are at something (except, of course, at your own unique purpose;).

When that happens, you feel crushed. Or suddenly depressed, even though you have achieved some amazing shizzle in your life. Or you feel devastatingly not enough.

I know some of you may be wondering if this means we should all strive to be “average.”

Absolutely not.

This life is precious, a gift like no other; to be born in your body on this planet with the ability to create life experiences and a mind to dream…its all a miracle and you would be a fool to not take full advantage of it and make the most of this life.

I want you to live an extraordinary life.

Because of that, what I do want to encourage is this:

Do not let your motivation be to feel like you are better than others, or “above average.” Let your motivation in life be to live your best life. To live your gifts into this world. Screw what anyone else is doing. Only you know if you are living life full-on. And that is all that matters.

After all, in reality, we are all average. As Dr. Kristin Neff, a Developmental Psychologist from the University of Texas at Austin, points out, “To be human is to be average.” It’s true. We all have our strengths (the things we do really really well), and the things we do just so-so (sort of average)… and we also have our weaknesses – those things that we just suck at, or have a lot of room for improvement.

The key to sustainable happiness – and indeed the true inner confidence that follows – is to accept that we are all beautifully average. The world needs us all to be average at most things! Then, we can focus on our gifts – those things we do really really well – and leave the rest to the other average humans that rock the things we suck at.

We don’t have to do it all or know it all (ahhhh…isn’t that relaxing!).

While the reality is that we may need to stand out from the crowd to get certain jobs or attain certain accomplishments, we don’t have to be better than someone else to be happy.

Indeed, the opposite is true. Embrace your averageness;)

Live an extraordinary life on your terms.

When you release the desire to be above average and embrace your true gifts and the preciousness of this life…ahhhhh – that is when the fun begins. The freedom. The adventure. That no one can take away from you.

Since this tendency to have a fear of being average exists in almost all of us, don’t beat yourself up about it when it arises. Just notice it. Notice it as part of the average human experience.

Then do things differently.

Choose to be motivated from your own heart’s desires…what makes you happy, no matter what else others are doing.

Stop comparing.

When you see yourself comparing, ask yourself what you really want in this life, and what is one action you can take right now to move you closer to it.

Embrace your “average,” and focus on extraordinary living from your heart

Recognize the common humanity in all of this – that you are not alone in your fear of being average. That we all fear it. And that is it precisely our averageness that beings us closer as humans….And it is precisely the unique gifts that every single one of us has that, when expressed fully, make this life extraordinary. It is savoring each moment, staying present, being kind to ourselves and each other, manifesting your gifts and living this life as the greatest adventure of all time that will give you the radiant inner confidence to know you are crushing this whole carpe-the-dang-diem thing.

Only you know when that happens.

And that’s all that matters.

Try this:

(adapted from Kristin Neff’s book, Self Compassion)

  1. make a list of 5 culturally-valued qualities you have in which you are above average
  2. make a list of 5 culturally valued qualities you have in which you are average
  3. make a list of 5 culturally valued qualities you have in which you are below average

Now, can you look at this list and embrace it fully? Can you accept the fact that we ALL have traits in which we kick ass, fall within the bell curve, or need to leave to someone else – which makes us all…average? And can you feel in your bones that just because you – and everyone else – is actually quite average does NOT mean you cannot live an extraordinary life?

It just means you are finally…free.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

The truth about why it never feels like enough

Most people look at life coaching and think of it as something that helps people feel…happier. There’s a lot to be said for simple happiness. But there is a lot more that people aren’t talking about. Here is the truth about why it never feels like enough.

The field of Positive Psychology and it’s emphasis on how humans thrive best is the perfect compliment to coaching. After all, a lot of what myself and other teach is how to help decrease your own suffering.

Maybe you can relate to one of these situations:

  • you have a bitchy inner critic that tells you you aren’t worthy of a better life
  • you have a tendency to make bad choices relationship after relationship and chose someone who doesn’t lift you up
  • you are a perpetual perfectionist and can’t seem to start, finish, or let go of anything because of your need to have it be flawless
  • you keep searching for a life with more meaning and purpose…and still haven’t found it
  • you struggle with creating healthy boundaries and saying “No” to people, trapped in a never-ending cycle of people-pleasing and lack of self care.
  • you feel trapped and stuck
  • you wallow in a scarcity mindset, blocking abundance from entering your life
  • you feel a lack of self love and self-worth
  • you wonder why you don’t feel confident or courageous enough to do what it takes

Coaching helps you with all the above. But what a lot of people don’t talk about is that once you achieve a lot of the things above – the freedom, the location-independent lifestyle, the abundance, the awesome relationship, the killer career, the ziji (radiant inner confidence) – people end up realizing that something is still missing.

And let me tell you – that moment sucks. Royally.

Here you’ve done the spiritual work, the intellectual work, the creative work, the courageous work – a LOT of freakin’ work – and it all seems perfect, yet something is Still. Freakin’. Missing.

Here’s the clincher: we are born to serve in a powerful way.

We are meant to use all the skills we learned up until this glorious moment of fulfillment, and use them to (no pressure here;) change the world.

You cannot be a human with all faculties present in yourself and feel content in life if you are not deeply serving. You will always feel like something is missing.

In order to serve powerfully, we must muster the deepest type of courage yet. This is courage deeper than what is required to ask for a raise, or to start our own business, or to leave the toxic relationship.

Don’t get me wrong – they are related, and the first kind of courage is requisite to getting to the next level of bravery.

But what is required of you to truly feel like your life is enough and to finally feel content is to be of deep, holy service to some-one/some-thing else greater than yourself.

You don’t necessarily need to expose environmental injustices like Margaret Heffernan

… cover the atrocities of war like Janine di Giovani

… move to Afghanistan to be the attorney representing abused girls like Kimberly Motley

… or demand transparency in medicine like Leana Wen

This also does not mean that you can expect donating 10% of your income to charity can help you feel this sense of purpose. I know that donating part of one’s income to charities is more popular than ever (I do it myself) – but this is not the type of action I am talking about. Nope. It is ideally YOU who is doing the act of service (but by all means, please still donate, because we need so many types of service out there!).

why it never feels like anough compassion courageWhat I mean is if you truly want to feel fulfilled at the end of this life, your actions need to involve courageous acts of service. By you.

When I look back on my life, it is not the peaks I have climbed, the adventures I have been on, or the financial milestones that help me feel that today would be a good day to die – although I will be the first to admit that they certainly help.

Rather, it is the times that I have made other people’s lives better that help me sleep at night. The times I spent in Africa working with refugees on the borders of Rwanda, Uganda and DRC. The times I forgave people that deeply hurt me. The times I risked disappointing others and being criticized in order to bring a bigger message to the world. The times I washed my bloodied gloves in a bucket by hand while delivering babies in a public hospital for Haitian women that had no running water. The times I sat with a mother holding her stillborn and allowed myself to cry with her, and kissed her baby so she could see that indeed, her baby’s life mattered to me too. The times I helped another women claim her power and freedom.

It takes a lot of courage to serve others fully. To allow ourselves to feel the pain and suffering of others and to take action to stop it. To be so vulnerable with strangers that it scares the shit out of you.

You also have to know what the world truly needs in order to best bring your gifts to the world in acts of service. And learning what the world needs can be terrifying, scary, and overwhelming.

But you can do it. You MUST do it.

You were born to do it.

I have clients break down in tears when they realize this. This is understandable, because the responsibility can feel overwhelming. But trust me – you don’t need to do anything more than discover your gifts and live them fully.

Your true gift involved deep service to others.

You do not need to head into war zones or depraved conditions (unless that’s a part of your gift), but you do need to discover and be honest with yourself about what you are good at, and how it can help make the world a better place than when you arrived.

It’s scary, but you can find the ziji, the courage, the confidence.

How do we get this courage? In my experience, this deeply driven courage is created by an emotion that is much less “sexy” to many: Compassion

Compassion is the most courageous emotion we can carry, and the brave acts it allows us to undertake is why it is the emotion that helps our life feel like one well-lived.

The only reason we don’t open our hearts and minds to other people is that they trigger confusion in us that we don’t feel brave enough or sane enough to deal with. To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else’s eyes. ”  ~ Pema Chödrön

There you have it.

If you want to live a truly courageous life, open your heart.

Feel the pain, the suffering, the injustices.

Do the work. Spend time alone. Spend time with people who really matter.

Fiercely quest for your purpose.

Let any ideas of your previous self die away, so that you may truly be open to the gift that only you are able to deliver – one you may have no freakin’ idea about yet. Or one you know about, but that really, really scares you to think about embodying.

You are enough. The best way to see that – and indeed, the best way to feel that – is to discover that gift and how to best bring it to the world in service.

Share with me below about your gifts, or what has helped you sleep better at night, the ways you love to serve, the ways you dream to serve. I love this kind of stuff – and trust me, I’ll reply.

For more inspiration:

Listen to this excerpt of an interview on the Ted Radio Hour with Zainab Salbi describing how women endure during times of violent conflict, holding their communities together best they can, with courage and compassion.

Read this article from the Greater Good Science Center about a happy life vs a meaningful life (and are they different?).

Want to tap into your own compassion more (for yourself and others)? Click here and scroll to the bottom of the page, and have a listen to my free Tong Len guided meditation.

Read all of Pema Chodron’s books. Period.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

Quick tips for tapping into your intuition

tapping into your intuition

Remember that time when you knew something wasn’t the right decision, but you did it anyway?

Like when you took a job that you ended up feeling trapped in; or went on a date that left your evening feeling like a waste of time…and you’d have rather marathon-watched the entire Star Wars series (at least you would have picked up some Jedi tricks…). Or bought the car that ended up being a lemon.

I am sure you – like most of my clients – have tons of examples of when your intuition was brushed aside.

Maybe you thought you were just being too fearful, or overly cautious. But no matter what, in hindsight, you thought, “Damn. I totally had a hit that I wasn’t supposed to do that. Why didn’t I listen to my intuition?”

Well, everything is 20/20 in hindsight.

One of the most common questions I get from clients is some iteration of, “How do I know when I am sensing my intuition…versus if I’m coming from a place of fear, or thinking it’s something I’m just conjuring up?”

A common answer to this question is that when you are tapping into your intuition, it comes across as a calm, deep voice; or “a small still voice,” vs. the cray cray running around that your brain does when it is conjuring things. If your brain is taking over the show, you will often sense the thoughts or input as “above you” and it feels quite scattered and distracted (oh…I should do that…but then there’s that other cool thing…hmmm or maybe I need to explore that instead…).

While this explanation is pretty useful, I have found it is often not enough. I wanted to share a few quick tidbits here so you can practice working with your intuition more.

First of all, there are generally four main Ways of Knowing our intuition, or sensing energy info. This idea is pretty common in many spiritual traditions and cultures. Often they are described as starting with “clair” which means “clear” in French. We have:

  1. claircognizance (clear knowing)
  2. clairsentience (clear feeling/sensing…can include claiempathy)
  3. clairvoyance (clear seeing – yes, literally seeing something)
  4. clairaudience (clear hearing)

The other “clairs” are:

  • clairtangency (clear touching – maybe happens when holding an object)
  • clairgustance/ambience (clear tasting)
  • clairalience/scent (clear smelling)

But we are going to focus on the main 4 ways of tapping into your intuition.

One way to start playing with this is to learn what your default “clair” is. What is the way you most naturally sense energetic info?

Mariana Cooper, founder of Aha! Moments International, recommends reflecting on what happens to you…after watching a movie! I found it super helpful, and maybe you will too.

Here’s what you do:

When you walk out of a movie, what do you remember most? What impacted you the most?

Do you remember the relationships in the movie and how you sobbed the whole time with the characters? Clairsentience.

Do you comment on the score? Clairaudience.

Did you know the ending from when the moving began? Claircognizance.

Do you comment on the set (the costumes, backdrops, scenery)? Clairvoyance.

You can have one dominant clair, or even all of them! Most professional intuitives have cultivated all 4 of them. Also, different situations can call for different clairs to show up more than others.

Another tip I like for tapping into your intuition is using oracle cards – you can use Angel Cards, Messenger Oracle Cards, Goddess cards, or even good ol’ tarot cards if you’d like. There are tons to choose from! Pick the ones that resonate with you.

I find that when I use them, it helps me surrender to a higher purpose of what’s going on, and reminds me I may not automatically know “why” something is happening…and to be OK with that. It helps give me a context for what I may be experiencing that is not immediately apparent to me. I love that there is a sense of a “reason” for me having drawn that card. Go ahead – try it! There are even online ones you can google for.

Now I’m not saying you need to believe in being psychic or in the powers of channeling etc. (although I strongly recommend you play with those ideas;).

What I am suggesting is that if you’ve ever had a time when you didn’t listen to your gut and regretted it, you owe it to yourself to learn more about your intuition and how it can help you. After all – you’ve seen evidence that it exists yourself!

Let me know below what your dominant clair is. Share a time you did – or did not – listen to your intuition too. It’s always great to learn from other people’s experience!

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

When emotions get the better of you

daretoforgiveThe other day, my emotions got the better of me, and I walked home with my tail between my legs.

We finally got back from Nepal, and I finished up my Soulcrafting retreat in Colorado with el maestro, Bill Plotkin. I returned to Alaska refreshed, renewed, tapped in and turned on…and somehow still managed to fall into a rage when I went to pick my mom up from dialysis the following Monday.

It was ugly. I was shaking from fury. I could feel my head pounding and my vision narrowing. All I could think of was, “If my mom dies because of some idiot, I’ll never forgive myself.”

But perhaps we should back up a little.

I am feeling quite raw after my retreat. It had been almost 2 years since I took any time for myself alone in the wilderness. And that’s even with me including a solo trip to Hawai’i when I was 7 months pregnant…and not exactly in wilderness. Let’s just say it was high time for this to be happening.

I had some amazing numinous experiences with nature in the desert of Colorado. We’re talking communicating-with-trees-and-plants-and-other non-humans kind of numinous. Completely sober.

Yes, it is much easier to have a chat with a Mormon Tea plant in the desert with the aid of certain psychadelics, but I thoroughly enjoy being able to get there on my own devices.

I had moments of collapsing to my knees, sobbing with deep gratitude, deep love, and profoundly deep grief at all the suffering going on today. I cried so hard, at times no sounds came out of my mouth (you know that one, right?). And other times it was so loud it echoed back at me from the canyon walls.

I committed to a long journey in those sacred canyons – one I am deeply immersed in right now, and will be until Fall of next year (if I’m lucky!).

I returned with the most overwhelming appreciation for my loved ones, and I was particularly excited because my mom was visiting us in Alaska, having just started dialysis after her heart attack earlier this fall.

Then, this past Monday morning, she woke up with a fever and chills. She had a temperature of 100.4 degrees F, and was fatigued with a headache. Important note: one of the more common complications of dialysis and causes of death is sepsis – systemic infection. They are much more prone to serious infections for myriad reasons. And older people sometimes don’t even get a fever with infection (or a very high one).

I called the dialysis center and said that my mom’s kidney doctor in the SF Bay Area wanted blood cultures to check for systemic infection, and that if they wouldn’t do them there, I would have to bring her to the ER. They agreed to do them there when we dropped her off that day. I asked if I could give Tylenol for her headaches, because then she would not have a fever as high when she showed up and they said it was OK.

My husband told me to not rush home and that he could bring her. He promised to make sure she got blood cultures. He dropped her off, asked the nurse if she would draw blood cultures, and she said yes.

I go 5 hours later to pick up my mom, right before they close, and there are no blood cultures.

No. Freaking. Blood Cultures. No blood cultures that would help us feel confident that at least whatever was going on was not a potentially life-threatening infection.

I asked what happened since I had called three times to confirm they’d be done AND my hubby made sure too. The nurse said she evaluated my mom upon arrival and my mom didn’t have a fever high enough to warrant blood cultures.

I was livid. My mom was tired. Had a raging headache. Was weak. She had lost so much weight since I saw her last. And now they were about to close.

I. Went. Off.

I am pretty sure I turned red. I threatened to call the better Business Bureau, to speak to the supervisor the next day, to get them all written up for this clear act of negligence. They called the nurse I spoke to earlier and she said she forgot to pass on the message to the new nurse that she had agreed to draw blood cultures.

I felt so…powerless. I had done everything short of dropping everything and walking in there and making them draw the blood cultures in front of me. I called THREE times after we had made the plan to make sure. My husband verified. I. did. so. much.

And still, I had no control over what people would end up doing. Now, if my mom was indeed septic, we had lost precious treatment time. And they didn’t even draw a CBC, but I won’t go there.

All I could see was my mom going into full blown sepsis in her frail state. Me wishing I had not been so lazy and letting my husband take her in. Her dying because of one thing I could have easily done to ensure she received quality care – watch them do it.

It has taken me a long time to learn to trust and delegate.

And this wasn’t helping.

After enough of my ranting, they agreed to draw the blood cultures.

I quietly, and in complete contrast to my earlier tirade, said, “I wish I didn’t have to get so pissed for the right thing to get done.”

My mom got up, I walked her outside, helped her over the cold snow and ice, and into the car.

I couldn’t speak a word. I was so scared. I am sure she thought it was because I was so angry.

Later that night, I felt deep shame. Yes, people had made a mistake. A mistake I tried to prevent by calling and double checking and checking again…but not again. Yes, my mom could indeed have a bad outcome because of this.

But that was no reason to be so rude. To be mean to another human being.

I then went to a place of self-compassion. I acknowledged that I was afraid my mom would die and that I could be partly to blame by my lack of vigilance. My fierce and rageful ranting was because of my love for her, and my wish that is wasn’t so easy for a loved one to leave forever.

I vowed to call the nurses in the morning and apologize.

The next day, when I finally had a calm moment, I called the center and the same exact nurse answered.

“Hi there – it’s Ana Verzone.”

“Yes?” I could tell she was not excited it was me.

“I wanted to apologize for the way I got so mad at you yesterday. You absolutely didn’t deserve that. I thought I had done everything to prevent that mistake from happening, and it was so scary to see that even then, it didn’t matter. Things hadn’t been done, and then I was afraid my mom would die from an infection. I am really sorry that I treated you that way.”

She replied, “OK. Thank you. You know, I told everyone, ‘This is all because she loves her mother so much.‘”

I couldn’t believe it. I thought for sure that she went around saying I was the biggest bitch ever and that they should try to get my mom transferred or something.

But she…forgave me.

What if I hadn’t called back? I would have forever thought I was hated by her.

I broke down crying. I breathed out, “Thank you for understanding. Thank you for managing to be compassionate and to try to see where I was coming from. You have no idea how much that means to me. Thank you.”

She saw through it and saw that I was scared.

We hung up.

I felt human again.

I am grateful for so many things this year. But this year, one of the things I am going to hold particularly dear is the near-magical capacity we have to empathize with another.

And to forgive.

I can’t help but invite you to consider this as a gratitude on Thanksgiving Day – that others have had empathy for you, understood you, and forgiven you when you were being human in the messiest of ways. And gratitude that you can offer the same gift to others.

Today, I dare you to either ask for forgiveness, or to forgive someone.

Which is it going to be for you? Share with us below.

Does this story resonate with you? Do you want to do deeper? If you want to dive into living truly authentically, raw, and wild, and finally meeting your unique gift, consider joining me and 9 other amazing women for next year’s 10-month adventure, LEGENDARY. Two adventure retreats and a jam-packed year of diving into soul. And more being proud of how you show up in the world. Check it out at www.AdventureMastermind.com

This being human thing definitely takes practice.

I dare you.

***

If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

A Tibetan monk’s advice on How to Choose Who to Let Into Your Life

discriminationI want to share a story with you that originates in Nepal, when I was here in the Fall of 1995, and a Tibetan monk taught me about the skill of choosing a teacher. I wanted to share this story with you because I feel the advice applies not just to selecting a teacher per se – but also to how one chooses anyone they invest time, energy and indeed even money into, be that a coach, a friend you trust your secrets with, a potential partner you want to move in with, or a mentor that you want to look up to.

Warning: this has a timed 5 minute read time, so kinda long when it comes to blog posts. But I couldn’t really cut anything out. Yeah. It’s that important.

Sit back with your favorite beverage and maybe light a candle. Take yourself back to Nepal in 1995…

After I completed a month-long meditation retreat in the foothills of the Himalayas, I decided not to become a nun after all (yes, I almost shaved my head and sold all my possessions – but that’s another story).

I asked one of my teachers, a well-respected Tibetan Lama, how to best select my next teacher to study with. I still loved the idea of attaining enlightenment – even if I didn’t think being a nun was the best path for me. I still wanted to strive towards enlightenment…but while having sex and drinking wine too;)

“Check your teacher” he said.

What the hell did that mean?

He said I should spy on them (he really did!).

Study them. See how they act when they don’t think anyone is looking. He told me that it was then that people’s true character came out. He also said that no matter what, they should be acting with compassion and kindness.

He told me that traditionally, people would follow around a prospective teacher and watch how they treated others, spying on them behind bushes and eavesdropping through shut doors. They would see how they practiced and how they lived their lives. Authentically.

Students would do this for quite a long period of time, because choosing a teacher was very, very important – and it was paramount to trust your teacher deeply.

If you didn’t choose an ethical and practiced teacher, you endangered your spiritual path, and even your life.

Holy shizzle – that’s serious.

I didn’t think of it that way at first, but then it made a lot of sense the more he spoke to me about this. I had actually almost joined a cult in college when I attended a free meditation class sponsored by a freaky cult trying to recruit college girls (yikes!).

Fortunately, this advice had stuck with me, and I saw through their smarmy tactics and was able to prevent several other women from falling victim as well. So trust me – this is good advice for anyone you are considering letting into your life. (I forgot to follow it when evaluating a few past boyfriends…like the alcoholic cheater…)

To truly grow in life, you need to deeply trust who you walk your path with – and I take this beyond your teachers or mentors. I believe this holds true whether they are your parents, your best friend you call in the middle of the night, your coach, or your spiritual mentor…Or your potential partner.

You need to trust. Not in the blind way that cult-leaders and charismatic faux-friends would like you to – but in a deep way that allows you to take the big risks when you are feeling like shying away from the edge.

And that trust is earned.

After all, that is where true growth happens – when you are living on the edge of your comfort zone. And if you are with a good teacher, you’ll go there. And when you trust your teacher, you’ll stretch beyond your comfort zone – because they’ve got your back.

Did I mention that trust is earned?

How to “Check Your Teachers” – and friends, partners, coaches…

Use these guidelines for evaluating whether anyone is worth your salt (or hard-earned cash) before committing to letting them into your life in any intensive way.

1) Are their values in alignment with yours? When I was looking for a coach, I found a lot of them telling me they created lives of “freedom” – but none of them traveled for 3-4 months a year like I did. Instead, they bragged about being done with work by 5pm, having one spa day to themselves a week, and escaping to a ski cabin each winter. They went on and on about having lots and lots of money.

They also bragged how they hardly ever had to coach – that almost everything was automated or delegated out to their other “head” coaches, and how they only had to show up to coach once in awhile.

Those things may be nice, and indeed those things were freedom for many people. But I wanted 3-4 months of true vacation. I really really like spa days, but I prefer them in places that required me to get a visa.

I wanted money too – but enough for me to do exactly what I wanted (not buckets and buckets of it but with no time to do anything with it).

Plus, I wanted to coach people. Not rake it in without having to ever connect with the people paying me good money to help change their lives.

It wasn’t all about the numbers for me  – it was about the experiences.

My definition of freedom was not theirs.

What is your definition of freedom (or any of your other values)? Is your coach/friend/lover aligned with that?

2) Do they walk their talk? I go to a lot of conferences and gatherings where there are many high-profile coaches. I can’t tell you how disappointed I’ve been when I meet some of them in person. It was heartbreaking for me to see that someone I admired after reading their blogs or watching their videos actually acted like an asshole.

It felt like high school again: women boasting about freedom and sisterhood, then not giving the time of day to someone they didn’t think was an “influencer” when they were approached and tried to start a conversation. They would brush them aside.

And the ironic thing? Their “followers” would hang on to them tighter, feeling like they were the “special ones.”
The sad part was they were only treated like that because they paid.

Once they were out of that person’s Mastermind, their emails stopped getting answered or the other members stopped writing them or caring about what they were up to.

Ick.

Just like the monk told me when I was 19 – your teacher should act with compassion and kindness. Even if you don’t pay them. And if it isn’t obvious, your friends and partners should treat you like the amazing woman you are too.

3) Do you feel uplifted when you are with them? Not from a star-struck perspective or because of who they know or the name-dropping of who they hang with. Rather, when you are with them, do you feel seen, heard, and understood? Do you feel inspired to take action in your own life? Do you feel hopeful about your future and have actionable plans to make it happen? Do you feel better about yourself and are more proud of how you show up in the world when inspired by them?

I know there are many of you out there who have friends or partners or mentors that you feel less-than-worthy about yourself after you spend time with them, You feel drained. Not enough. Not pretty enough or wealthy enough or smart enough. Time for that to change.

4) Do they offer real value? I am all about the “pricelessness” of true freedom and happiness. But there’s a point at which learning how to create your own freedom in life shouldn’t cost you your life savings, and you should definitely not be convinced to tap into your 401k because someone’s Mastermind would “totally be worth it.”

Yes, I feel this way even if you freely choose to do so.

In my opinion, using the excuse that people freely do so is just bullshit. And many people blow off their clients going into serious debt because they claim that client had a choice.

Fair enough. They did. But coaches also have a choice in how they select their clients.

Any responsible coach would not take your money if it caused you to tap into your life savings – even if it was your own choice. There are way more affordable ways to learn some of these skills before you can afford a high-level Mastermind.

It’s one reason why I offer my crazy-affordable options as well.

In terms of friendships, what do they bring to your life? Or are they just energy vampires?

4) Do you see growth and evolution over time when you implement their teachings or spend time with them?

If you’re with a smarmy teacher or friend, they’ll encourage you to always need them and to give up things important to you to be with them. They have a tricky way of making you feel small so that you don’t quite feel worthy unless you are one of their inner circle. And you won’t learn anything that would allow you to not “need” them anymore.

This reminds me of the classic tale in Chinese medicine about the old wise medicine man who had met a young and talented new practitioner. The young new guy said, “What have you cured? I have cured so many diseases like the horrific and persistent x, y, and z diseases. What have you treated?”

“Well,” said the elder practitioner, “I admit I have not cured any of those fancy diseases you speak of. You see, my patients don’t get sick.”

Oh, snap!

A good medical practitioner helps you to not get sick so that they don’t make their living off of curing disease after disease in their patients. Similarly, I believe an excellent coach helps you learn the skills to be able to implement on your own and over time, so you “need” them less and less.

Let me be clear about something here: personally, I always have a coach. I like having a coach. I work well with coaches and it’s a huge reason why I am as successful as I am. However, I need my coaches less and less as I learn how to do things on my own from them.

I have learned how to discover what I need to do to succeed, and I choose to have coaches to help make it easier. But I do not need them to move forward because I have learned what it takes to do it myself. My coaches taught me well – and so should yours.

Similarly, you can choose to work with a coach over time year after year – but know that you should also be growing over time, learning new skills and seeing real change.

This goes for friends and partners too – do they encourage you to grow, or do they want you to feel small so they don’t feel threatened?

5) Who are their teachers? Before every traditional Buddhist teaching I have attended, there is a large portion of time – an uncomfortable portion of time, if I have to say so myself – where you are fidgeting for the “real teaching” to start…but it is stalled while the monk or nun teaching goes on and on about where the teaching came from, ultimately ending back at the Buddha himself.

You see, in traditions that have been around for thousands of years, they know that where the teaching came from is just as important as the teaching itself.

You don’t want to invest precious time and energy (and these days, money) into following a spiritual teaching that someone pulled out of their ass. Same goes for coaching. It’s one reason I am not totally opposed to coaches being required to be Certified (FYI most out there aren’t).

I do believe you can be a really talented coach and not be certified. I also believe it’s a lot harder to be a crappy coach if you are certified than if you’re not.

Who did your coach study with? Who did they learn from? We often practice how we were trained, so make sure your coach got into the trenches with some real masters of the craft so they can share their precious nuggets of wisdom with you!

Who are your friends’ mentors and guides?

6) Do you relate to their story? A coach who has walked your path – or at least the path you want to walk – will be a better coach for you than one who hasn’t. Simple as that.

If you want to learn to create a life of unconventional travel and adventure, you won’t work as well with a coach who perhaps travels, but chooses to “adventure” only in the fancy hotels and spas in the countries that they visit.

If you’re trying to lose weight after a baby, you won’t work as well with a weight loss coach who has never struggled with weight to begin with.

If you want to work on your fear of being alone and can’t stand the idea of being single, you won’t work as well with a coach that has always been in a super cozy relationship than with a coach who has had a fear of becoming a spinster after a divorce at 37 years old.

A friend that has passions and ambitions like you (not identical goals, but with the same mojo and inspiration) will help you feel understood and seen – and will help uplift you. If they don’t relate to your big dreams at all, they will likely weigh you down and dampen your light.

____

So there you have it, amiga! 6 points that I think would serve you well to consider before choosing to work intensively with a coach. Or choose a friend. Or let a lover move into your house.

If you get anything from this message, please remember this:

You are worth every bit of discrimination that you can muster when choosing who to let into your life.

And if you’re ever not sure, please, sister: listen to your gut.  At least pause.

***

Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.

7 signs you’re at risk of living a boring life – and how to prevent boredom now

I grew up as an only child – and even though I grew up with 9 boys (my “cousins”) that taught me how to share and how to play tough, and who made me always play Princess Leia when I really wanted to play Darth Vader (no one else wanted to play a girl), there were many, many times when I was bored.

Bored out of my fu*king mind.

So bored, in fact, that I would cover my face with my pillow and cry.

I remember vowing one night that I would do my absolute best to not ever be bored again.

But then it still kept creeping up on me! Some moments that pop into mind are: when I moved to the San Francisco for graduate school and found myself going from living out of my Volvo and sleeping under the stars to sitting more than ever inside concrete buildings; after I had my baby and being freakin’ exhausted seemed like a good enough excuse to talk myself out of anything; when I got my first full-time job as a midwife, and my vacation time went from months off each year to a few weeks…

I found some similarities in all these instances and wanted to share them with you.

I tell you – it creeps up on you and you don’t wan to be caught sleeping when it does! Here are some tips to help you bypass boredom so you don’t get side-swiped by it like I did:

7 SIGNS YOU’RE AT RISK OF LIVING A BORING LIFE

1) It takes you a really long time to get out of bed – because there’s no really good reason for you to hop out and carpe the dang diem anyway!

2) Watching TV or movies is the #1 way you spend your free time. This could mean that you are busy watching other people’s interesting lives instead of getting out there and living your own. Exception: the occasional guilty pleasure series marathons with friends or lovers 😉

3) You are jealous. A lot. Jealousy is a sign of desire. It’s not a “bad” feeling or a sign that you are some kind of corrupted person. It means you want something. When you’re living a kickass life, you are jealous way less often. This is because you either compare yourself to others way less, or you are living a life you really, really like. When you’re not living a live you love, you get jealous of other people who are – or who at least seem like it.

4) You spy on people via Facebook or other social media – and rarely post. This is almost like spending too much time watching TV/movies. You were put on this gorgeous planet to experience it and DIVE IN!

You were put here to feel wind on your skin and the dizzying drop of your insides when you swoop down on a swing or rollercoaster (yes I still LOVE swings!), to dip into the chilly waters of an alpine lake, to have epic orgasms and accidentally step into cow poop while wandering market streets in India, to wake up with the moonlight shining brightly on your face, to laugh deep deep belly laughs with your friends.

Not to scroll down a screen watching other people do it.

5) You have crappy sleep. A day well-lived is one where you collapse into bed tired and content. You’ve exercised, you’ve gotten done what you wanted to get done, and you feel a satisfaction that a life well-lived gives you. And you sleep deeply because dang, a life like that needs it!

6) You don’t feel sexy. Sexy is more than something you feel in your body. In fact, that is the smallest part of sexy. Feeling sexy is mostly about how you perceive yourself. And you know yourself best, sistah. You can’t lie to yourself about if you’re living your best life. You know the truth. When you are doing cool shit, you hold your head high, you’re not afraid to talk to people because you want to tell them what you’ve been up to, and you strut your shizzle. Living an exciting life is absolutely the best ingredient for sexy.

7) You don’t have any energy and may be sporting the Boredom Belly. If you’re like me, when you’re bored, you eat emotionally, and this is usually food that isn’t the best for maximizing your Thrive. It’s usually stuff like carbs or sugars or heavy, poor-quality fats or salts. These all sap your energy and you end up pooped as a result. You may even have the Boredom Belly, as I like to call it – belly fat is associated with stress and high-carb eating, among other things also associated with a boring life.

Can you recognize yourself in any of these? No worries, amiga!

boredomI’VE GOT SOME IDEAS FOR YOU TO TURN THAT TRAIN AROUND … AND HOW TO PREVENT BOREDOM NOW

:: Do a cleanse – this will give you something to focus on other than other people’s Facebook profiles, and will up your energy factor so you can more easily get out there and start having some amazing experiences! It’s a great way to kickstart your mind and body

:: Unplug – When you don’t have the distraction of watching other people’s lives, and when you also suddenly have more hours in the day to do cool shit, there is way more possibility to bring excitement back into your life.

:: Try something new every day. When you break habits – even things as simple as eating something different for lunch, driving a different way to work, reading a new magazine – your brain is primed for new experiences and is more likely to be comfortable with change. Which means you’ll more easily step out of your boring patterns, and be way more likely to do some new cool shizzle

:: Plan an adventure. This doesn’t have to be a trip with your family to a politically unstable country with a fuel crisis and food shortage like the trip I’m about to take with by hubby and baby tomorrow. It could really be as simple as going out to a nearby lake at night, and sitting at it’s edge watching the stars and moon reflected on the surface; or going to visit a part of town you’ve never been to: ever had a Korean spa experience in your local Korea Town?

Ever smelled the spices and sundries or stared at the dried bodies of various reptiles in the apothecaries of China Town? Take an intro Capoiera class, or ride your bike around town and simply get lost.

:: Above all – discover what excites you. The antidote to boredom is excitement, and you need to know what lights your fire and fans your flames. It’s your duty in life.

Those are just a few ideas. And guess what? My Urban Wellness Club has even more awesome ideas that you can receive throughout the year to make sure your life is never, ever boring. You’ll also have me and a tribe of amazing women to keep you inspired and accountable throughout the year – because we all know how easily we can fall off the wagon and into a boring funk. Will I see you there? I dare you. Grab Your Boredom Insurance Here.

In the meantime, I dare you to do one of the things I mentioned above to keep yourself from getting bored. Which did you choose? Or better yet, what’s one of the tricks YOU use to keep from getting bored? Do more of that!

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If you want to join a tribe of people that will help you navigate this wild and precious life, come check out Freedom School – for rebels like you. It’s not just personal growth for rebels. It’s Jedi training for the new world.

Are you screwing yourself by trying to be too awesome? Maximizers vs Satisficers

maximizingAs a part of the Freedom Junkie tribe, you probably suffer occasionally from FOMO.

Aka: Fear of Missing Out.



ME TOO.

In fact, there’s a scientific term for us FOMO-ers – called “Maximizers.”

Maximizers try to milk the very best drop out of everything. They want the best flight itinerary, the absolutely most awesome choice of toothpaste, the best deal on the car they just bought (and they will price compare LONG after the option to return the car has passed)… you get the gist.

At first glance, you might be thinking: Ummm…. Maximizers are pretty f**cking awesome!



So, what’s the problem?

Maximizers suck at being happy with what they ALREADY have.

And it takes them forevs to make a decision (because they want to make sure they aren’t jumping the gun and missing the “best” decision).

While planning fun trips and scoring the-best-in-the-world cake pan, Maximizers are constantly riddled with guilt & regret over past choices.



Maybe they just took the most amazing trip EVER… but the Maximizer follows the gripping account of their latest adventure with: “But if we had only waited 2 weeks to go, the weather would have been perfect!”

How did they even know what the weather was like after they left??? They know.

Because they wonder if it could have been even better and looked that shit up.

They sought out proof.

Part of the issue these days is Maximizers are up against more options than ever.

Can people feel worse off as the options they face increase? The present studies in the social sciences suggest that Maximizers are particularly prone to this.

(BTW…Are you feeling a little uncomfortable recognizing yourself in this description? Yeah. Me too.)

So what’s the opposite of a Maximizer? A Slacker?

Au contraire! They are called Satisficers. Not “Settlers,” mind you. Satisficers.

Gretchen Rubin, a Positive Psychology researcher, states:

“Satisficers are those who make a decision or take action once their criteria are met. That doesn’t mean they’ll settle for mediocrity; their criteria can be very high; but as soon as they find the car, the hotel, or the pasta sauce that has the qualities they want, they’re satisfied.”

Satisficers don’t settle for second best. Instead, they:

1) get clear about exactly what they want and what would feel good
2) when they achieve that, they stop “wanting” and feel content

So WTF is wrong with that?

Nothing!

Maximizers apparently don’t have a standard other than having the best experience…in hindsight. They don’t know what will make them happy, so they just keep going for the best and better and better and mo’ bettah. They will rarely feel satisfied, because they are not clear about what they want. Or how they’ll know when they’ve arrived at a place where they have permission to feel…satisfied.

(This is why Clarity is so important in all the work I do with my clients!)

Not convinced that being a Maximizer is all that bad? Here are the things that Maximizers suffer from far more than those who are Satisficers:

•    less happiness (for realz!)
•    lower levels of optimism
•    lower self-esteem
•    decreased life satisfaction
•    more depression
•    increased perfectionism
•    higher levels of regret
•    less satisfied with consumer decisions
•    more likely to engage in – and be adversely affected by – social comparison
•    more associated with poor adaptation and self-blame
Now I don’t know about you, but after reading that list, Satisficing sounds pretty sweet.

So how can we get more clear about what we need to be Satisfied…and hence a Satisfier?

Top 5 Tips to Feel Satisfied (Finally!) (Bonus suggestion: for a year‘s worth of tips, join the Urban Wellness Club here)

1. Know what you want, what you crave, what you desire. Knowing this in detail – so detailed that you can feel it ripple up your spine – will help you manifest it, and surrender once it has arrived.

2. Ask yourself, “Is it worth X to me?” Screw what other people think something is worth. I learned this when mastering the skill of bargaining in Asia. It exhausted me…until I found that I could give myself permission to pay what I thought something was worth, instead of comparing what other awesome deal someone else got – or might get. Pay it happily if you think it’s worth it – after just the right amount of due diligence.

When you buy something, and later someone brings up it was less somewhere else or that they paid less, remind yourself, “I don’t care. It was worth what I paid to ME.” Celebrate it!

3. Remember that you can be a Satisficer in one arena but a Maximizer in others – choose wisely! This can screw us up when we are Maximizers in this like relationships but are cool being Satisficers with burritos. Strive for Satisficing in the really core areas of your life, which will encourage you to get clear about what is most important to you – where it counts.

4. Set yourself up for less Decision Overload. Have routines (routines make the decisions for you during that part of the day since its just what you do!); go to smaller shops and stores with fewer options

5. Learn to “need” less. In other words, Simplify. When I was working and traveling in Asia, I loved how I went to the corner shop and asked, “Do you have toothpaste?” and they said, “Yes!” And plopped down one tube of toothpaste onto the wooden shelf in front of me. No choices. That was the toothpaste. I was thrilled. Way easier then “tartar control” “whitening” “flouride or non-flouride” “paste or gel” “baking soda or not?”

Want more help living a life feeling ridiculously indulgent and satisfied instead of craving something you can’t even describe? I’ve got a whole YEAR’S worth of juiciness for you at the Urban Wellness Club, and general registration is open (think: inspiration to live into your desires and make them real NOW – not “some day.”) Throughout the year I help women like you crystal clear on what they want… what deeply satisfies them… and then do what it takes to get it. Learn more by clicking here…

Ahhhh…. bliss <3

If that sounds orgasmic, I assure you – it totally is.

Today, I dare you to not regret a decision you make – when you catch yourself ruminating about how you could have done it “better” or if you could have found it for $10 less somewhere else, let it go. Share with me below what you did!

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Ready to dive deeper into this? Check out Freedom School and see what everyone’s obsessed about. It’s not just group coaching. It’s a mindset revolution that you won’t want to miss.